You.

You held me,

You kissed me,

You fucked me,

You loved me.

You tore me,

You scared me,

You lied to me,

You hurt me.

You left me,

You barred me,

You forgot me,

I still loved you.

Nothing.

One year passed,

You said sorry,

I have peace now,

Thank YOU.

Only Human.

I'm scared. I wish I wasn't, but I am.

I don't want to be hurt anymore, I don't want to feel that thing we call heartache, I don't want to be let down. I don't want right now. I want now, tomorrow and whatever future I have, we have. 

I need that. Companionship, trust and of course love. Why is it so hard? I can give it all I've got. Can you? I know I shouldn't ask, I'm a communicator, it's what I do. I'm honest.

I have been hurt so many times, we all have. I've had my trust, faith and hope broken more times than I ever thought possible. Why? Why tell someone you love them and then hurt them? Is it fear? Selfishness or just plain cold hearted? I guess we will never truly know.

Please don't hurt me. Don't hurt anyone for that matter, including yourself. 

After all, we are only human..

Eyes Wide Shut.

Every ones hands are wide open,
Waiting to take from me what they can.

My heart is yearning for more,
The feeling of love and who I really am.

My eyes were sewn shut,
Blinded by what I thought was love.

It was nothing more than I allowed it to be,
Awakened stiffly by a friendly, emotional nudge.

The phase of new has finally begun,
A lesson learned, from a story that has been well read.

I no longer stride with eyes wide shut,
Clarity and strength have released me from this once clouded head.

There are times and then there is time.

Time flies.

There are times and then there is time. Profound? I think not, more an obvious observation of the movement of life and everything that surrounds us.

Nearly everything we do is governed by some sort of time frame, arriving and departing from work, appointments, music, films, books, food, waiting, sex, periods of gestation and ultimately our very own existence. Depending on how you depart this world and what you may or may not believe in, you more than likely will be remembered by dates arrived and departed, quantifying just how much time you actually spent here.

Time allows us to create things, to dream, to plan, schedule and search, but it is also what reminds us of our mortality and those dreams and plans that need to be achieved before there is no more sand passing from one end of the proverbial hour glass the other. We have enough time. I'm out of time. What time is it? Where did the time go? Statements and questions I would hear every day in my working life. Every little thing we do seems like a race against the clock, a chance to try and beat something that we can't see, feel or touch, yet our lives depend on it, literally.

Love and relationships require time, then again they can all to often consume time, time that will never be returned. These lost moments we so often refer to the "lessons of life." What rubbish. It's completely and utterly lost time that will never be recovered. Bitter? No, realistic. The only lesson that is truly learnt in these moments is to ensure that our clocks are set to "never again".

Death is the one frontier that no one has conquered or been able to quantify where time is concerned. Is there really an eternal after life? What would one do with all that time? One thing that I do know for sure is that the never ending search for whatever it may be you are searching for, will continue as long as that very curious luxury we know as time, prevails. As a matter of fact, I never really thought of it until today, but time truly is the most precious thing any of us have.

(Don't be) Out of time.

Summertime Sadness.

Everything always looks better in neon.

Lana sings about it so beautifully and today, well I am having a little of it. Summertime sadness.

It may seem strange to those in the Northern hemisphere that someone who has only really ever known summer to be hot and muggy and surrounded by beaches is somewhat sad. Things like eggnog are replaced with a cold beer and the only fire that I have ever sat around at this time of the year, is a BBQ, and that can hardly be called a fire. I digress.

Many times over the last couple of months I have thought about packing it all in and calling it a day. That it was, and is too hard and the prospect of another month of uncertainties of all manner, is just not how I envisaged living my life. Yet, here I still am. I have said it before and I'll say it again, I never truly understood what the phrase "the struggle is real" meant, until I moved to Brazil a year ago.

That "struggle" is something that I seem to share with around 200 million or so people, so I am in good company. Those people for the better part, seem to have a never ending capacity to see the positives in everyday life, something that I truly admire, respect and love. In reality though, being in a foreign country and with little to no support network that you can truly rely on, can sometimes make it difficult to see those "positives". But... when in Rome...

I guess that although I am not such a big believer in "New years resolutions" (Why wait for something when you can start now), the end of a year and beginning of another can bring with them a myriad of reflections on what, where, when, how and why, both past and for the future. Reflection is good, not to dwell, but for the most part, I think it's good.

The Summertime sadness part is really just a state of season (Wintertime sadness just doesn't have the same ring) and I guess a state of mind, now that I have written out loud and reflected. Being happy is so easy for many, but happiness is something entirely different to me. It goes deeper than the smiled mask that so many feel they need to maintain, happiness cuts to the core, it's what makes you love what you do and do what you love. It's pure, real and always honest.

Summertime sadness? I'll leave it entirely up to Lana, she seems to do it so much better.

Live. Love. Learn. Laugh.

You think you know it all. You don't.

The past that has haunted you for so long seemed like it was going to be a somewhat "friendly ghost" that would just never leave. But one day it does.

The trust you so openly and honestly placed in those past loves was used, abused and thrown away like it never mattered. But deep down inside you know it did matter.

The ideals on what and who is right for you is challenged, constantly. You must remain open to something new, someone different, someone real and honest. You deserve this.

The past is just that, past. It is the present and the future where your dreams and hopes lie, dreams that are not impossible should you seize them. At the end of the day it is entirely up to you. But you know that too.

It always was and it always will be your life, love and laughter.  So live it, love it, learn from it and never ever stop laughing at it, because its completely and utterly YOURS.

Yep, YOURS.

Morals, yours or mine?

I was having a discussion with a friend yesterday that led me to some very interesting revelations about life, myself and the company I have sometimes kept.

The topic was infidelity and whether or not to continue with her boyfriend. I explained that I think that every situation is different and if both people are willing to try and work it out, then power to you both! She asked me what if I stumbled across this situation? I have done and every time I have tried to resolve the issue and the other party has either been indecisive or in my recent of relationships, denying it till the end and then refusing to communicate with me. Either way, it was fucked and I really didn't enjoy any of it. AT ALL.

I then thought about the prospects of open relationships and posed this question to her to which I received a sharp "No way. I'm to jealous." Again, something that I also couldn't really do, not because I am overly jealous but more because I am male, the need to mark or assert my territory and all that cave manesque crap that seems to be ingrained into our DNA.

Then the doozy was thrown my way. "My friends knew about his cheating but told me they didn't want to hurt my feelings." Hmmm, again something that I have also faced and on more than one occasion. Its this last statement that has really had me in a dilemma with my own personal situation of late, maintain "friendships" or let them go. Sadly, I am opting for the latter and I will explain why.

I take full responsibility for my actions, my relationships and the words that come out of my mouth. I do not take responsibility for someone else's infidelity when that is not within the boundaries of what we have both agreed to for our relationship. In saying this, if you bear witness to your friends partner cheating on you, no matter what the level of intimacy is, don't you think you have an obligation to at least attempt to tell that person what is going on? Other than the moral code, yours and mine, there is a very real threat of things like diseases and personal safety which could seriously harm the person cheating and god forbid, that friend who was none the wiser to these actions, who never asked for any of this and now potentially faces some very serious risks.

I loathe the bullshit excuses too that "I was drunk" or "Pills make me do it, I can't control myself", I have been more intoxicated than I really care to admit in my time of partying, and not once have I ever forgot where I put my dick or whose tongue I had in my mouth. I also never suffered from what I call "selective relationship amnesia". If you are not 15 years old and drunk for the first time in your life, then your excuses like the above examples are lame, insulting and ultimately pathetic.

I'm not sure if my answer helped my friend, but it sure as hell clarified a few things for me, the main one being the realisation that a real friend is very hard to come by, cliched, but so,so true. Yet another time in my life where my Oma's words of wisdom pop into my head and seem to make all the more sense now, "You are the company you keep."

Time to tidy that "company" up.

Real love.

Real love is free.

Its ageless, timeless and bound by absolutely nothing.

Real love is honest.

It can see through the haze of lies, feel the beat of your heart even when it beats no more.

Real love is genderless.

There is no male, female, gay, straight or bi, its just love.

Real love passes no judgement.

It is colourless, religion free and understood in every single language.

Real love can conquer anything.

The harshest of days, fiercest of diseases, war and famine, real love still exists.

Real love is invincible.

Nothing can stop real love. Absolutely nothing.

Real love.

It just is.

Do I have to clean my... mind?

I am not a negative person, well that's what my positive affirmation book tells me and I try to read it everyday, with little to no success. On a more serious note though, there have been many things in my life of late that have unfortunately left a somewhat foul taste in my mouth, the foul taste of negativity.

Trying to remove these so called "tastes" has proven to be a rather difficult task or tasks, and I am again finding myself in search of anything that will get my positive vibes back up and running again. I mean ANYTHING.

After scrolling and trolling through every self help word available to man via google and an endless array of quotes, I stumbled across a picture that I had heard about many years ago by an artist that goes by the name of Yoko Ono. Yep, that bizarre diminutive Japanese lady that used to be married to a Beatle, and who is also working harder than ever at spreading her desire for peace and love the world over. I know this for a fact, I saw her live in Sydney last year and she really means what she says, "War is over. If you want it."

I digress. Ms.Ono had created this piece titled "cleaning piece" for an art exhibit in Venice. As always, the style was explicitly simple with a very powerful message, a message that I am going to "try" to adopt over the coming months, "Try to say nothing negative about anybody." Easy, right? I mean, I pride myself on not talking (too much) smack about others, but every now and again a situation or situations, usually in the human form, test my ability to not say unkind things about bad or idiotic behaviours. Well now I have three options at trying this experiment, 3 days, 45 days and/or 3 months. I'm going to go all in, 3 months.

As Ms.Ono said recently when asked about this piece, all you can do is try. Trying is the more powerful of all the words on this little piece of paper, without it we will never truly know if we are actually able, able to do anything really. Let me see what happens to my life, I'm sure I am going to be surprised, if not by the outcome, at least for the fact that I "tried" to stick to something for longer than a week.

Trust.

I am so confused at this moment in time. I don't get this place a lot of the times, a lot of people here seem to want to create drama out of nothing and for what reason I really don't know. Maybe boredom? Maybe its cultural, I don't know. Maybe it's just good old fashioned insecurity.

At the best of times, no matter the language, difference in culture or people, it can be hard to make friends, this is a given in 2014. So when two friends messaged me today to say they have deleted me because their partners were jealous of our friendship(s), I was shocked. Actually I am kind of saddened by this. I have not done anything to warrant their insecurities, yet am being punished by the loss of friendship.

I find it strange that many have told me I am "insecure" or that "I need to love myself more" amongst other things, yet for me, allowing a partner to do his or her own thing, to have their own friends, is not something that should warrant distrust, insecurity or even anger. We are not their parents after all, we are their partners, we are supposed to stand by their side, encourage them to flourish and grow, and yes, trust them wholeheartedly. And this is coming from someone that has been cheated on more times than I really care to remember or acknowledge.

I refuse to bow down to this kind of behaviour as it does not make for a healthy relationship in any context and I have come to realise that it is not I that is any more insecure than the next person, but in fact I am much more secure in myself when it comes to relationships, love and life than most. Trust and love are the two greatest gifts I can give anyone of you whom I love, and I do this with open arms and a honest heart.

"To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved."

A(lone)ly.

I never thought I would feel this way. Alone. No, lonely. Contrary to what people may think of me, I actually really do enjoy my own company, just not all the time. Friends to hang with and talk is something that I think I really took for granted back home, especially as I am so far from those who know and love me the most.

This country is an amazing place, really amazing. I'm in Brazil after all, and I don't take that for granted ever. But, yes there is a but, it is also a very difficult place to live. The language, culture(s), day to day living and ability to make new friends. Don't get me wrong, I haven't entirely lost my ability to make friends, but this language thing is really proving to be a major blockade for me. Again, the simplicity of being able to express myself or articulate almost anything is something that I have really taken for granted.

I look Brazilian. I get told this everyday and whilst it is probably the most flattering thing I have ever been told in my whole life, it can also pose some problems when you can't speak the language. I use my usual phrase of "Sorry, I only speak a little Portuguese", which is more often than not met with quizzical expressions and sometimes a blatant "huff". I get nervous and fumble my words. I must end up coming across rude as I hate to not be able to communicate, let alone looking like a fool, but this language, Portuguese, can be ever so hard to learn.

I miss catching the train and bus, really I do. My fears have crossed over into public transportation and it is not only upsetting but also becoming exceptionally costly (think taxi's), especially when you do not have a job. Sigh. I wish it would all just click and I could breeze into a metro station and know and understand where it was I am going. But then that would defeat the purpose of this whole trip right? I came here to challenge myself, leave the past behind and create a new future. I guess I really wasn't expecting things to be so hard. Foolish maybe, unrealistic, a lot.

The inability to commit to a time or prearranged date is also something I am not used to here. When say not used to, I mean Brazilians more often than not see no problem with not keeping to the original plan to meet, sometimes even cancelling on me when I was at the place waiting. This behaviour, although not meant with any ill intent, more so an overly relaxed approach to life, can sometimes lead to that feeling of being alone, unimportant even. People have their lives, loves and families which I totally understand, I guess that's just it, I don't have any of those here. They will come one day, hopefully.

It's Sunday afternoon and I think I will go for a walk. I love walking here, so many people, so much colour and vibrancy every where I turn. People laughing together, holding hands, eating, families discussing things, I guess in my own little way I can live through these people, observe them and be grateful that they have found happiness and love. I guess being alone is not such a bad thing after all. Actually I just realised something, I am not lonely, I am just alone, for the time being anyway.

There is a big difference.

Words.

Words are amazing things. A group of letters that when spoken, written or signed, can have such powerful meanings, both good and bad. Sometimes they are so amazing that we can't let go of them, revisiting them over and over again looking for new and beautiful ways to love each and every one of them. But sadly, the same can be said for the negative. They can cut so deep that we again, keep revisiting them over and over again, holding onto to things that may never have been meant, interpreting things in our own way and even sometimes, ending with fatal consequences.

Of late there have been a few people that say my words are tinged with sadness or despair. I am a writer, I guess that comes with the territory, that thing about sufferance etc. I prefer to not use the word "suffer" as I am not a victim, rather I am a citizen of the world that may see things a little different to you, maybe with a touch more sensitivity to what is going on around me, you, us, the world.

Today I was told by a friend that she could see a boy in me. Someone with so much love, so much compassion for others, but someone that needed to be treated well. Hmmm. Treated well. The journey I have put myself on recently has shown me in so many ways that this treatment must begin with me. Something that I can truly say has commenced. Finally. She also mentioned something that I found fascinating, "To make your deep seed start to come as you really are, not the way the world made you". Intense. Again, its those words, all of them together forming a powerful sentence that just can not be ignored.

Maybe I have been looking at things in a one dimensional way for to long. I always prided myself on not being this way, but sometimes we need to stop and realise that we really have not been seeing things the way they need to be seen, through our eyes and not the rest of the worlds. Words like free spirited, enlightened and heightened are something we associate with a religious connotation, yet in reality, they are all things they we strive for, need or even yearn, no matter what our belief system(s) are.

For some the journey is short, way to short. For others, it can seem like a never ending sea of emotions, struggle and many times, heart ache coupled with the misunderstanding of the words that are given to them. Today is a new day, a day to listen or look at those words that are spoken, written or signed and understand exactly what they mean and the intent that goes with them. To look through your eyes and not what has been conditioned in your head, to listen with your ears and not take on board the gentle whispers of others around you, and should you have the ability, to touch those words with your hands and feel them in only a way that you can. After all, words are just a group of letters bunched together for us to somehow communicate. What we do with those words is entirely up to us.

A life lived or a life lost...

It really is just that.

A while ago, some big changes happened in my life, changes I did not see coming at all. They were processed, cried over and eventually dealt with. This is life.

After the healing had begun, I decided that I was going to live my life by the following motto, "Should I be blessed to live to a wise old age, what will I be able to ask myself on reflection of this life? Did I live the life I wanted? Did I chase my dreams, love the one I love with every ounce of my heart and try to bring as much joy to those around me, friends and strangers alike. Or, will I sit in my chair and wish I had done all of those things, but never found the courage to do them, rather looking at ways and excuses to have prevented myself from being happy?

I know there are some that think I am crazy, and yes I am to a degree, brilliantly crazy in my love for life, people and everything else that flows between. I would not change one thing in my life to date though, can you believe it? That includes the heartache, the joy, the loss, the pain, the laughter and of course the tears, man have there been so many of those.

I have finally come to realise that it is all those things that have allowed me to arrive at this place, a place of new beginnings, a new love, new friends and new challenges. A place that I would not have been ready to receive and understand if not for those very steps I needed to take, good, bad and indifferent.

As for that question I posed to myself above, you already know that I will have many, many stories to tell in my old age. Now, what about you, what path will you choose to take? The choice is completely up to you, but don't deny yourself the right to live, love and laugh, it's just not fair...

#LiveYourLife #LoveWithAllYourHeart #HaveNoFear #OpenYourHeartAndYouWillReceive #Happiness #FelicidadeMeDefine #Truth

Endings & New Beginnings...

The choice is not always yours, but ultimately which direction you will take is up to you...

I just received the news from a friend that she and her husband had called it quits after 17 years, two children and what seemed like a lifetime together. No real explanation given and all done via email. Been there and had that done to me.

It really saddened me, made me ask "why are people so quick to run away from things, especially matters of the heart?". Is it fear of loving someone so much that you inadvertently exit stage left with the notion of "at least I didn't get hurt first" or is just plain laziness, that in 2014 we no longer value the sanctity of marriage, relationships and respect for those around us we say "I love you too". I have a feeling its a little of all of the above.

I guess we have all been where this friend is at the moment at some time in our lives and it sucks, plain and simple. It can feel like someone has slowly cut your heart out and thrown it against the wall, the void is so large that you don't know if it will ever be filled again and if so, with what? Emptiness, sorrow, pity? No. Every wound heals, slowly but surely and although there will always be a scar, this is also a very beautiful and new part of you. It tells of a story that was once had, a great love that is now lost, memories of better days spent with that special person and now, sadly and finally put to rest.

I can not lie friend, there will be dark days, many in fact. Allow yourself the tears, speak your truth always and never ever stop loving yourself, this is the biggest mistake some of us make. You are a woman, mother, friend and daughter. Now, you must simply find you, revel in your strengths and develop your weaknesses, for you owe it to yourself to be eternally happy.

Smile my friend, we all have your back no matter how near or far we are...

Adjusting the compasses until we need just one, ours.

It's those eyes, that smile, I can't get them out of my head, I don't want to, but the thought of not seeing you for months is killing me. It hasn't even been twenty four hours and I feel lost without you.

I'm trying to be strong, I promised myself that I would never allow myself to feel this way again, vulnerable, scared and yet so in love. But I did. For me, it all happened the moment I opened that door, saw you standing there smiling that smile, laughing, eyes beaming. My heart melted, it was love at first sight.

You speak of adjusting our compasses, I can't seem to find my compass through all the tears. I'm not sad, I am just longing to be sitting in your presence, laughing, watching you smile, listening to you, hugging you. I haven't slept at all, I kept rolling over to see if you are there, if this is just a bad dream, that I will see your face. I can't find you. I need more time with you, a week just isn't long enough, yet it also seemed like a lifetime spent together, it was easy, you and me. What I wouldn't give to go back to that very moment I opened that door.

I'm lost. I need to find that compass, to make sure that we find each other again. I remember pinching myself when we were sitting in a cafe, asking you if this was real, you and me. You laughed, smiled and looked into my eyes and said "bobo". I'm pinching myself again, pinching myself to wake up from this dream, the one where we are not together, where I am longing to feel your hand in mine. This is what they call "Saudade" right? I don't like it. I want you next to me.

Happiness defines me, you write this all the time, I agree. Happiness from you now makes up a big part of what defines me, not because I am looking for an excuse to avoid doing the hard work, but because your happiness is genuine, real. It comes from a place deep within that I have never seen before in someone. Felicidade. That's what you bring to me, Felicidade.

Ah, there it is, my compass, it's set to you, ready to meet again, for the time that we will need just one compass, ours. Not long now...

Você é lindo, você é perfeito, você é o Pedro.

Felicidade or Happiness, its your choice.

Life, it's a funny old thing that we are all apart of in some way or another. I would never have imagined the week that was for me, the highs and lows, anticipation, joy, laughter, the formation of new friendships and the sights of a city that was as close to paradise as I think I have ever been. I also wasn't expecting to fall in love.

We are all damaged or scarred in some way or another, no matter how cool we think we are or how sound we are, there is some baggage stored away that only you will be able to rummage through and decide whether or not you are going to keep it or throw it. I inadvertently went through mine without even realising it over this past week and threw the whole damn thing away. As someone special in my life keeps saying "Happiness defines me". It was just that which encouraged me to get rid of the crap. His happiness.

There are a few times in your life, if you are even that lucky, that someone comes along and changes you, changes you for the better, not because he or she has pushed their agenda onto you, rather the essence of that person radiates in all its purest beauty, a force that just has no way but to penetrate the deepest layers of the things that are preventing you from finding, understanding and allowing that happiness to get inside of you. The fear that you once had of being hurt, becomes a distant and almost foreign memory, and finally, you find that happy special place that you have so been longing for.

For most of us, happiness is a choice, a choice that so many people seem to not know how to make, yet speak of their longing for it. Maybe we all need that special someone to waltz on into our lives, shake it up and force us to redefine who we really are. Maybe it has always been there, right in front of us, but our conditioning of what happiness means, an almost selfish ideal in many countries, forces us to abandon and not allow it into our lives. Not me.

Seven days have been and gone, with them a whirlwind of emotions, excitement, memories and love. Yes, love. I was not expecting it and when it arrived it smacked me so hard in the face that I didn't know what to do, so I cried and cried. Today, I had to depart from that love, something that again led me to tears, many tears in fact, but deep down inside of me something tells me that this time it is different. It's real. It's honest. It's easy. It's us.

 Its not the end, its actually the beginning. I realised that we have so much to do together, that our story has only just begun and no matter what, we just have to take one page at a time. Devour every delicious word on that page, take our time to revisit chapters we didn't understand and should the need arise, cross out what we thought we knew and re write what we want, after all, it is our story. So, I choose happiness, with you.

Today.

I numb the pain I have by drowning in my sorrow,
If only there was a way I could change this heart of mine, I would beg, steal or borrow.

I think of you each and everyday,
Though the light I once had in my heart has all but turned to grey.

Your face appears in my dreams each and every night,
Something I struggle with as I never wanted to fight.

I pray for the day that you will finally let me speak,
It's the only hope I have right now, given that things look ever so bleak.

My love for you will never wane,
As sad as this may be, I understand that we will never ever be together again.

One door closes and another opens or so they say,
The time has come for me to start this new life, a new life which begins on this very day.

The mirror has two faces?

2am in New York and I'm still writing...

So here I am. It's nearly 2am on a Thursday morning in Manhattan and I am wide awake contemplating life and how I can solve all of its problems. Then I thought about conversations I have had of late, one in particular on what YOU see when you look into a mirror has really dumb founded me.

I'm a sucker for a beautiful smile and beautiful eyes, I mean who isn't? My heart melts when someones genuine and beautiful smile is given to me, it makes my heart stop and sends me to a place that I could only liken to what we call heaven. Given all this, it really knocked me for a six when someone special in my life told me that they didn't like what they saw when they looked in the mirror.

Sure, I don't like what I see, but I am tall, slightly overweight and kind of goofy. But this person, this person has a smile that could warm the coldest of hearts, eyes that just have that sparkle in them that makes you remember to live and a body that anyone would kill for. Yet, he told me he didn't like what he saw when he looked in the mirror. I don't get it? Does his mirror have two faces? If so, I want to see what he is seeing, surely it can't be what I see, right?

I mean I go out and get told things like "You are cute, but need to lose weight". Sigh. I actually asked one guy, "Do you a) think I am blind and b) that I don't have a mirror in my home?". No response. So when I see or hear amazingly beautiful people like this person (and many others) telling me that they don't like what they see, it really makes me question what have we done in society where so many of us seem to feel that we have fallen below par somewhere, and in some cases, everywhere. Do muscles equate to a fantastic personality? Does a D cup perfect and perky set of breasts equal a heart of gold and a Phd? Sure, there are people, there must be people with these attributes that society seems to hold so dear, that are truly amazing on every level, but what about those people that don't have those superficial qualities that are held with such great esteem? Are they any less of a contributor to our societies and god forbid, less attractive?

So I fell asleep contemplating all these things and then awoke to read the following from the very person I had been talking to about the above just a few hours beforehand. It goes something like this:

Good morning!
Look in the mirror now, what do you see reflected in it?
If it's disappointment, say: Holy shit, this can't be me!
If sorrow, say: son of a bitch Mirror, I do not accept this reflection!
If lack of motivation say: I can do, damn it!
Rebel, kick the bucket, but please change any reflection that is messing up your twinkle in your eye and only accept the view of a reflected image of self-love, you never stop saying: beautiful Mirror!

So there you have it. Maybe all it takes is a good rest, a chat with someone and maybe a new mirror. That, or you just woke up and realised that the reflection that is looking back at you is absolutely and utterly perfect in every single way, perceived and imaginary flaws and all.

Let's all try and work towards to the latter...

If I could have anything...

The looks will mature over time, that's cool, you just have to be the best version of yourself at this very point in time. Nothing wrong with wanting to look good, to love what YOU see in the mirror.

What I want in my life in the future is someone that loves the look of me that he sees NOW, and then learns to love the look that he sees as the seasons change and so do we. To always remember that the real attraction comes from deep within, the ability to make each other smile, laugh, trust and love, love each other until the ends of the earth and back. To celebrate each others imperfections, what ever they may be and maybe, just maybe, turn those imperfections into the very things that set us apart from others.

To hold each others hands as we make the biggest steps in life and to also hold them when we are struggling to keep that very grip. To wake up in the morning and roll over and see someone that makes your heart stop, just for that split second. Reminding you on how truly beautiful life is, being loved, smelling the skin of someone that  only has that familiar smell unique to him, the one you have grown to love and yearn for when you are apart. But most importably, to be able to say to that person, "You are my best friend, my partner, my love".

One day, one day....

Change... for the better.

What is happening to me?

I have so many emotions running through my mind at the moment that I feel like I am drowning in them. I am nervous. I am excited. I am scared, yet I am feeling fearless, like I can conquer the world. I am lonely, yet I know that I am well loved by those that mean something to me. What the hell is going on?

This last year has been the hardest year for me in a very long time. I have faced fears that I never knew even existed, I have tried to retrieve my heart from the dumpster we call "love", not once, but twice, and I have to decided to leave everything that is familiar to me behind and try my hand at a new country, new language and potentially a new life. What a difference just one year can make, huh? Change.

The path of life has been a complex one for most people I think, but I also believe that we try to over complicate and over compensate when it really is not needed. Take for example right now, it's 1am in Sydney and here I am, over complicating something that should be just so easy. After all, I have made the decisions to do these things, so why I am fearful of the changes I have sought out? Is a certain amount of fear healthy? If I wasn't fearful, I guess that would make me arrogant, and some may even say entitled. I am neither of those things.

Conversations that I have had with family, friends and within my own mind, have been many of late, mainly to do with the changes that seem to be surrounding everyone and everything at the moment, a word that so often scares people senseless, change. I have seen the strongest people I know cry for fear of letting someone they love, know just that, that they love them and I have listened to the heartbreak of a friend as she confided in the silent loss of her unborn child. I have watched my own Mother cry for a brother that wants to nothing to do with her or her family, instead wants to be left alone to die in his own unspoken pain. But it was just today that I heard of someone I have grown so fond of over the last few months, tell me that one of his friends was killed in the line of fire, a job that he too shares. I didn't know what to say, my heart ached for him and for this young man's family and friends. I can't begin to even imagine what this change has brought about.

Change is fast, it is real and can happen right before our very eyes with no way of really stopping it. Embracing it is the only thing we can really do, the good and bad, we owe it to ourselves after all. I recently said "without all the pain in life, the changes, the ups and downs, I would never know what real love feels like if I had not gone through this. Almost as if it is a test of strength, a test to see and understand what it all really means." Change is good and welcomed by me with open arms. If I didn't welcome it after all, I would have no way of knowing what lies ahead of me.

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.” 
― Paulo Coelho, The Devil and Miss Prym