It's been a while.

"It's been a while", a phrase that has kept on popping up over the last few weeks. A phrase that I guess can go either way, positive or negative. I have felt both of late.

Yesterday marked what would have been my first partner's 49th birthday, something that he sadly was not afforded due to Cancer and a life taken way to soon, a story shared by many around the world. Lying on my bed, severely hungover from the night before antics, I found myself looking up above at the stark white ceiling of my room and uttering the words "It's been a while", ten years this August in fact. It was this remembrance of what seems like another life time now, that got me thinking just how many times I have used this phrase of late.

A message from an old lover who disappeared out of my life and was never to be seen or heard from for a year, decided to respond to one of my many messages I had sent him. A response that was honest, over due and finally in front of my eyes to read. It brought a smile to my face, a tear or two to my eyes and gave me some sort of peace in my heart. But all the time I was reading it and to be honest, for some weeks now after receiving it, I have found myself again uttering those very words: "It's been a while".

Then there's family, the core of my very existence and the people that have shaped me, supported me, loved me and always keep it real with me. My mother, whom I adore in every sense of the word, went in for a rather simple operation a couple of weeks ago and ended up nearly losing her life. No matter the age or health of someone, the possibility and actuality that death was near or has finally arrived, will never ever be a fact that can be dealt with in a rational manner. "It's been a while", in fact far too long pounded my head for well over a week after this incident.

New people coming in and out of my life are a common occurrence in a grand metropolis like São Paulo, Brazilians from other states and people from around the world all leave their mark on you and your experiences on the daily. Many a conversation is had and time and time again I keep hearing in various forms and languages, "do things for yourself and not others. Love yourself first." Words that I am so happy to share with others and yet strangely don't really listen to or even adhere to when I am the one in need of them. Maybe it's time I started listening to these words more, I can definitely say "It's been a while."

The fine line between loyalty and honesty.

So, what about it then?

I admire loyalty and standing by some one's side when the sky is so dark that the only hope you have is the comfort of those very people beside you, those you believe that truly will protect you in the good times and bad. These are qualities I admire most in others and hope that I too, share these very qualities.

There is however, a fine line between loyalty and honesty. Being able to have the ability to be truthful to those you are standing by, even when you know the truth is not being told by those you are guarding. A difficult situation for most, but one that will present itself at sometime throughout life.

There is a saying that has been circulating through my head over and over the last few days, something that my beautiful Grandmother used to tell me, "You are the company you keep." Very true.

Although the storm may pass and the truth has been gathered up with the wind and blown away like the dark clouds that were once above you, it will return, and when it does, those that stood in the face of truth will all be accountable, not just the instigator of lies, but those who also stood by him or her and chose the path of deceit.

The truth will always set you free.

A(lone)ly.

I never thought I would feel this way. Alone. No, lonely. Contrary to what people may think of me, I actually really do enjoy my own company, just not all the time. Friends to hang with and talk is something that I think I really took for granted back home, especially as I am so far from those who know and love me the most.

This country is an amazing place, really amazing. I'm in Brazil after all, and I don't take that for granted ever. But, yes there is a but, it is also a very difficult place to live. The language, culture(s), day to day living and ability to make new friends. Don't get me wrong, I haven't entirely lost my ability to make friends, but this language thing is really proving to be a major blockade for me. Again, the simplicity of being able to express myself or articulate almost anything is something that I have really taken for granted.

I look Brazilian. I get told this everyday and whilst it is probably the most flattering thing I have ever been told in my whole life, it can also pose some problems when you can't speak the language. I use my usual phrase of "Sorry, I only speak a little Portuguese", which is more often than not met with quizzical expressions and sometimes a blatant "huff". I get nervous and fumble my words. I must end up coming across rude as I hate to not be able to communicate, let alone looking like a fool, but this language, Portuguese, can be ever so hard to learn.

I miss catching the train and bus, really I do. My fears have crossed over into public transportation and it is not only upsetting but also becoming exceptionally costly (think taxi's), especially when you do not have a job. Sigh. I wish it would all just click and I could breeze into a metro station and know and understand where it was I am going. But then that would defeat the purpose of this whole trip right? I came here to challenge myself, leave the past behind and create a new future. I guess I really wasn't expecting things to be so hard. Foolish maybe, unrealistic, a lot.

The inability to commit to a time or prearranged date is also something I am not used to here. When say not used to, I mean Brazilians more often than not see no problem with not keeping to the original plan to meet, sometimes even cancelling on me when I was at the place waiting. This behaviour, although not meant with any ill intent, more so an overly relaxed approach to life, can sometimes lead to that feeling of being alone, unimportant even. People have their lives, loves and families which I totally understand, I guess that's just it, I don't have any of those here. They will come one day, hopefully.

It's Sunday afternoon and I think I will go for a walk. I love walking here, so many people, so much colour and vibrancy every where I turn. People laughing together, holding hands, eating, families discussing things, I guess in my own little way I can live through these people, observe them and be grateful that they have found happiness and love. I guess being alone is not such a bad thing after all. Actually I just realised something, I am not lonely, I am just alone, for the time being anyway.

There is a big difference.

The exception to whose rule?

I thought I had it all, I thought that I was the exception to the "rule". You know the rule, the one that forbids gay men from staying together for longer than a year and if you do, your relationship then needs to turn into an "open" one. Who made that rule, I am not entirely sure and I guess that I did break the rule in many ways, but maintaining it for eternity seemed a very real and likely possibility. That was until recently.

I grew up with very religious grandparents who had very strong ideas on what a relationship should entail. A man and a woman court (I LOVE that word, so ye olde), fall in love, get married, have children and stay together until the day they should both leave this world. A beautiful ideal and for their generation, a very real and attainable ideal. For my generation, my parents and everyone born after my generation, this kind of notion doesn't seem to exist too much anymore, or so I've heard.

Don't get me wrong, my Grandparents were quite liberal in all their religious views (Jewish and Catholic, Catholic dominated though) and my Oma even went so far as to speak of Gay marriage way back before it was fashionable to support it. However, when I came out to my family, the one thing they wanted for me the most was to have a long lasting relationship with ONE person. Easy peasy. Man, was I in for a shock when it came to relationships and what my expectations of a relationship were to be met with by those that were meant to mean the most to me, my partner(s).

I dated a slew of guys when I moved to Sydney that just wanted one thing, sex. I was the naive and innocent guy from the country town known as Adelaide, (over a million population mind you, one hell of a country town) the guy that evidently had no idea about the hustle and bustle of Sydney and all its harshness and reality on how life was to be lived. The guy as one person so kindly put it, had "outdated, archaic and ridiculous views on gay relationships". I was supposed to be grateful that someone just wanted to fuck me and that I shouldn't expect anything more. I tried it and sure, it was fun as sex usually is, but it wasn't what I wanted and more often than not, left me with a massive void. 

Finally, I met someone who, although I did not fall for instantly, showed me so much love and kindness that it blew my mind. Almost as if it jolted me back to earth and awakened something that I had been suppressing for years, my long lost values. He was so caring and obviously yearning for the same thing I was, love. It wasn't long before we shacked up together, got a cat and plainly put, "set up shop" as a duo. Years passed and so did the many highs and lows, the good times and not so good times and then the one thing that I never thought would happen, happened. Death.

I was young when he passed, 29 years old to be precise. I was discussing his death with a new friend the other day, not as morbid as you may think, more remembering the way people treated his illness. Being gay and ill meant that he had HIV according to all his friends, some of mine and the usual pitying passerby. Actually, he had Leukaemia, but no one cared about what he really had, it was just assumed that we must have had an open relationship being gay and someone "slipped up". Couldn't have been further from the truth, we were in many ways the exception to that rule.

I never thought that I would ever meet another person as kind and generous as him, but as fate would have it, I did. A mutual friend introduced me to this new found handsome intellect and from the moment I met him, I was smitten. I was nervous though, I never prided myself on being "brainy" and knowing he was, made me so anxious on how he would receive me when he realised I was a crazy, emotional loon that loved hard. All my ridiculous insecurities were to put to rest and some 9.5 years later, I look back on the longest relationship I have had and can honestly say that I have had the best time of my life. I have been loved and have loved with all my heart.

There were lows, boy were there lows, none lower than what was to erupt a few weeks ago, but the highs were the greatest of highs and are something that I feel very fortunate to have shared and experienced. Relationships are complex things and more often than not, things that people would rather quit than work on, no matter what form they come in, sexual, friends, marriage, family, they all require great amounts of listening, loving and learning. I guess when I look back and read what I have written, it just reinforces to me that I am the exception to the rule, my rule, whatever that may be. I will continue to write my rules, learn from others rules and adapt them where necessary.

The future is bright. Very bright.