Trust Yourself.

Always.

Its really hard to understand each other sometimes, especially when different cultures are involved. I have learnt so much over these last couple of years, none more so than the time I have spent in Brazil.

I have trusted, I have loved and many times I have lost, lost my heart, lost my friendships and yes, lost my love. I wish there was something that I could have done to change these things as the loss of someone that you gave your heart and friendship to is one of the hardest losses we face in life.

Emotions run wild and whilst I don't believe in regret, I do believe in self evaluation, reflection, the ability to say "If I had my time again, maybe I would have done things differently.." I am man enough to say yes, I would have done things differently. I would have been less needy. I would have said no. I would have loved myself more. I would have said goodbye earlier.

But I didn't. That's ok too, life is about learning, right? About the ability to stand in front of the mirror and promise yourself that those mistakes will never be repeated. Never. I believed in love, I really believed in it. Man, I flew across the world to be with the one I loved, I thought he loved me too, he didn't, he thought he did, but I know he didn't. I'm not angry, I am sad though, to think that these relationships we cherish so much, we work so hard for, we love almost as much as family, can disappear in a split second. Everything is forgotten, love becomes disdain, fond memories are now more painful than anything else. Yet through it all that person or those people are still so missed.

We are human, all of us. Our experiences are different and yet so shared, common even. We laugh, we cry, we fight, we make love and we all yearn for that special someone to enter our lives and change it all. We trivialise the things that were once so important us, photos are destroyed and our hearts are broken. Why?

Fear. Love. Solitude. Sex. Insecurity. Emotions. You. Me. Us.

Although the winds change the seasons, our lips no longer connect and words and laughter no longer share our moments together, you are all in my heart and my memories.

Always.

The Year That Was, 2014.

Buh bye 2014...

To sum this year up in a few words would be absolutely impossible and do the experiences, both good and bad, no justice whatsoever. So I'm going to go right back to when my year began, December 26th, 2013. The day I boarded the plane in Sydney, bound for Las Vegas, first stop Korea.

This year was always going to be big. From the minute I decided I was going to pack my things up and have a year or so of study and life abroad (in Brazil), I knew experiences where going to be plenty. Just what those experiences would be or entail, well, none of us ever truly know how good or bad they are going to be. I got both.

Everything was going pretty smoothly, I arrived in Seoul, Korea, and spent two nights there exploring my immediate surroundings as I was alone and it was far to cold to venture out any further than what I felt comfortable with in such a short amount of time. I saw quite a bit and was able to indulge myself in one of my favourite cuisines (all things Korean) for two solid days. Heaven.

From Korea I was bound for my baby brothers wedding in Las Vegas. I like to party and so does he, so this was going to be nothing short of one week of wedded partying bliss. Joined by family and friends from all corners of the globe for his special day, I think that Las Vegas in 2013/2014 will go down as one of the happiest times of my life, definitely of this year.  I celebrated a birthday, New years and of course my brothers wedding in Las Vegas, not to mention seeing artists like Celine Dion, Boys II Men and Robin Thicke all perform whilst I was there. I needed some rest so next stop was with the parents and relatives to New York.

New York might just be my favourite city in the world. I decided to spend a month there and really explore the place, something that a career doesn't always allow for, time. I took my parents to see a broadway musical, Motown - The Musical and we shared many sights together including a trip to Washington. The hardest part of this trip was my last day with my Mum in New York and seeing the tears stream down her face as we parted. We both knew that it was going to be quite some time again before we would be together laughing, squabbling and enjoying each others company.

From the freezing cold I was off to Brasil, where I switched things up in Rio for a week. Porto Velho in Brasil's north was next, followed by my most recent and somewhat final destination of nearly a year or so now, São Paulo. This city has been nothing short of amazing for me, the people I have met, the University I studied at (FAAP) and the trials and tribulations I faced, each and everyone of those things has taught me invaluable lessons that I never dreamt I would be able to learn.

I would say love to be able to say that 2014 has been amazing and only this, but in all honesty, I am well and truly happy to put this year behind me. The lessons have been learnt, the love lost and gained, and a myriad of other things in between that have opened my eyes. I am grateful for the time I have been given here and intend to use whatever time I have left to its full potential.

Here is to a new year ahead where tolerance is a not just a word, but an action. Where people the world over truly start to mend the pains of the past and look to a future that is brighter and devoid of these "lines" that we seem so incessant on creating. I don't have children (yet), but many of my friends do and when I see their faces, in every glorious shade, I realise that all I truly want now is a world where each and everyone of those faces, no matter what their shade is, the gender, or who they choose to love, is treated with the same amount of respect and afforded the same opportunities as everyone else. The time has come for change and we all need to get onboard.

It's 2015 people. Look where we are and take that in.



Happy New Year!

Live. Love. Learn. Laugh.

You think you know it all. You don't.

The past that has haunted you for so long seemed like it was going to be a somewhat "friendly ghost" that would just never leave. But one day it does.

The trust you so openly and honestly placed in those past loves was used, abused and thrown away like it never mattered. But deep down inside you know it did matter.

The ideals on what and who is right for you is challenged, constantly. You must remain open to something new, someone different, someone real and honest. You deserve this.

The past is just that, past. It is the present and the future where your dreams and hopes lie, dreams that are not impossible should you seize them. At the end of the day it is entirely up to you. But you know that too.

It always was and it always will be your life, love and laughter.  So live it, love it, learn from it and never ever stop laughing at it, because its completely and utterly YOURS.

Yep, YOURS.

Scar(s).

A scar. What is a scar? From a wound in fighting, an operation or a broken heart.

Everyone speaks of the healing process and that like all things, the wound will eventually heal and you will be left this so called "scar". A marking of something that once was, whether it be good or bad. A badge of honour for some.

As with any healing process, you need to know how to care for this wound, to converse about the best possible way for it to heal. A doctor explains this in great detail with a physical wound, but with matters of the heart, well, you either get it or you don't. More often than not, you don't.

I have loved but a few in my life, true loves that is. I have been burnt by love too. Strangely, my heart is still warm and open to the idea that one day I will be truly loved. A friend questioned me on this other day and I responded with "I have loved with all my heart and many times, I have had that very heart ripped from my chest. But if I had not had these experiences, how will I be able to decipher the good from the bad?"

In order to understand what true and honest love is, we unfortunately need to experience this pain of love lost, a heart broken or someone just walking out of your life with no explanation. A scar will eventually form and from time to time you will look back and remember just what it is that "true love" means to you, and appreciate it when it (true love) eventually presents itself to you.

Don't stop loving and find forgiveness in your heart, not everyone is perfect, but everyone does deserve forgiveness and sometimes its this forgiveness that will also assist them in their healing process too. We all have wounds.

Love, four simple letters that can make or break a heart.

A life lived or a life lost...

It really is just that.

A while ago, some big changes happened in my life, changes I did not see coming at all. They were processed, cried over and eventually dealt with. This is life.

After the healing had begun, I decided that I was going to live my life by the following motto, "Should I be blessed to live to a wise old age, what will I be able to ask myself on reflection of this life? Did I live the life I wanted? Did I chase my dreams, love the one I love with every ounce of my heart and try to bring as much joy to those around me, friends and strangers alike. Or, will I sit in my chair and wish I had done all of those things, but never found the courage to do them, rather looking at ways and excuses to have prevented myself from being happy?

I know there are some that think I am crazy, and yes I am to a degree, brilliantly crazy in my love for life, people and everything else that flows between. I would not change one thing in my life to date though, can you believe it? That includes the heartache, the joy, the loss, the pain, the laughter and of course the tears, man have there been so many of those.

I have finally come to realise that it is all those things that have allowed me to arrive at this place, a place of new beginnings, a new love, new friends and new challenges. A place that I would not have been ready to receive and understand if not for those very steps I needed to take, good, bad and indifferent.

As for that question I posed to myself above, you already know that I will have many, many stories to tell in my old age. Now, what about you, what path will you choose to take? The choice is completely up to you, but don't deny yourself the right to live, love and laugh, it's just not fair...

#LiveYourLife #LoveWithAllYourHeart #HaveNoFear #OpenYourHeartAndYouWillReceive #Happiness #FelicidadeMeDefine #Truth

Endings & New Beginnings...

The choice is not always yours, but ultimately which direction you will take is up to you...

I just received the news from a friend that she and her husband had called it quits after 17 years, two children and what seemed like a lifetime together. No real explanation given and all done via email. Been there and had that done to me.

It really saddened me, made me ask "why are people so quick to run away from things, especially matters of the heart?". Is it fear of loving someone so much that you inadvertently exit stage left with the notion of "at least I didn't get hurt first" or is just plain laziness, that in 2014 we no longer value the sanctity of marriage, relationships and respect for those around us we say "I love you too". I have a feeling its a little of all of the above.

I guess we have all been where this friend is at the moment at some time in our lives and it sucks, plain and simple. It can feel like someone has slowly cut your heart out and thrown it against the wall, the void is so large that you don't know if it will ever be filled again and if so, with what? Emptiness, sorrow, pity? No. Every wound heals, slowly but surely and although there will always be a scar, this is also a very beautiful and new part of you. It tells of a story that was once had, a great love that is now lost, memories of better days spent with that special person and now, sadly and finally put to rest.

I can not lie friend, there will be dark days, many in fact. Allow yourself the tears, speak your truth always and never ever stop loving yourself, this is the biggest mistake some of us make. You are a woman, mother, friend and daughter. Now, you must simply find you, revel in your strengths and develop your weaknesses, for you owe it to yourself to be eternally happy.

Smile my friend, we all have your back no matter how near or far we are...

Love.

"Love is not perfect, but it can be the most beautiful thing if both people are completely equal and honest with each other."

Life.

Sometimes I sit outside staring at my Koi swimming in their pond and wonder how it must feel for them, swimming around all day long, usually in the same direction and not doing anything other than searching for food. Is it true that they have a 3 second memory, if so, why is that they seem to remember me every time my face leers over their home. Familiarity can be such a comforting feeling.

Life is funny like that, all of its complexities and unanswered questions, yet so beautiful on so many levels. It is those unanswered questions that also excite me, challenge me and of late, sometimes sadden me. I could never have imagined that my life would take so many turns this year, turns that have tested me in all my entirety. Health issues that although are not life threatening, have made me realise how important it is to take care of my “temple”, not just for the aesthetics (this used “model” has never had a healthy take on appearance) but for mental and physical clarity. And love, boy has love taken a turn in a new direction of late.

I am a lover, really, I am. I am not perfect in anyway what so ever, but I love with every vessel of my heart and to be told that you can not love anymore is well, for choice of a better phrase, heart breaking. Sure, I love my Family and friends, but it is the love of a partner that makes me wake up knowing how safe I feel to be in that persons presence, their arms and their heart. When it ends and not necessarily the way you wanted, it cuts. Deep. In some ways it feels like someone has ripped that organ out and is waving it just above your head, so close to your reach, yet so far and only time will slowly see it disappear into nothing more than a love lost. Lucky for us humans, this kind of broken heart does repair itself, in time, but the scar will always be there. Always.

Is it wrong to be passionate? I have always questioned this as so many people around me have criticised my passion, used it as a negative or portrayed it as one of my weaknesses.  I know inside that it is my passion that will allow someone to come into my life again who wants it in all its complexity and it is this very passion that will see me succeed with my love of music, in all its varied formats. Why should anyone be limited to just one thing? Why can’t you try everything and do as much as humanly possible, especially if it makes you happy? I guess out of all the challenging moments, you realise who will be there and what you truly want out of life no matter how passionate you are.

Nearly four weeks ago I was scared, scared of where my life would take me and who would be there with me. Actually, do you want to know what scared me the most? Being alone when I was ill, who would care for me? Strange that out of everything, that is what scared me the most. Well, as mother nature would have it, she threw me a few extra curve balls and I get it now, all she was trying to say to me was “you can do it”. 

I remember something that my Oma & Opa used to tell me as a child, “the day you stop learning is the day you stop living”. They passed away at 84 and 93 respectively and were still learning right up until the very end. Inspirational. 

Life. I still have so much to learn.