It's been a while.

"It's been a while", a phrase that has kept on popping up over the last few weeks. A phrase that I guess can go either way, positive or negative. I have felt both of late.

Yesterday marked what would have been my first partner's 49th birthday, something that he sadly was not afforded due to Cancer and a life taken way to soon, a story shared by many around the world. Lying on my bed, severely hungover from the night before antics, I found myself looking up above at the stark white ceiling of my room and uttering the words "It's been a while", ten years this August in fact. It was this remembrance of what seems like another life time now, that got me thinking just how many times I have used this phrase of late.

A message from an old lover who disappeared out of my life and was never to be seen or heard from for a year, decided to respond to one of my many messages I had sent him. A response that was honest, over due and finally in front of my eyes to read. It brought a smile to my face, a tear or two to my eyes and gave me some sort of peace in my heart. But all the time I was reading it and to be honest, for some weeks now after receiving it, I have found myself again uttering those very words: "It's been a while".

Then there's family, the core of my very existence and the people that have shaped me, supported me, loved me and always keep it real with me. My mother, whom I adore in every sense of the word, went in for a rather simple operation a couple of weeks ago and ended up nearly losing her life. No matter the age or health of someone, the possibility and actuality that death was near or has finally arrived, will never ever be a fact that can be dealt with in a rational manner. "It's been a while", in fact far too long pounded my head for well over a week after this incident.

New people coming in and out of my life are a common occurrence in a grand metropolis like São Paulo, Brazilians from other states and people from around the world all leave their mark on you and your experiences on the daily. Many a conversation is had and time and time again I keep hearing in various forms and languages, "do things for yourself and not others. Love yourself first." Words that I am so happy to share with others and yet strangely don't really listen to or even adhere to when I am the one in need of them. Maybe it's time I started listening to these words more, I can definitely say "It's been a while."

Judgement - it's not so black & white.

A lot of people ask me why I associate myself so much with black music, culture, and of course my "Queens", especially as the exterior I was given is so pale. A question that is sometimes hurled at me with disdain and an all to often questioned beyond belief.

It's a hard thing to articulate in just a few words, especially if you have never been the subject of people constantly trying to bring you down, separate you, hate you, in some cases eradicate you and all to often, dominate you. I am not saying that the race debate and the homosexuality debate go hand in hand 100%, but for me, there is some solidarity in the struggles we have faced and sadly, continue to face.

This was brought into question with me the other day when I spoke with a gay man here who was severely beaten in an all to often occurrence in Brazil, "Gay hate crimes". When he went to the police, he was laughed at and told "he was lucky to be alive" and "to get out of the station". On further investigation of the laws in Brazil, there appears to be NO law(s) that protect the rights of gay, lesbian and transgendered people here. The subject of gay hate crimes is not isolated and I am pretty sure most if not all gay people will have experienced this at some point in their lives, me included. I have been in many situations in "tolerant" São Paulo, where I have witnessed effeminate gay men being called names on trains, many times other passengers laughing along at the mockery of these people. Not one person in the myriad of incidences I have witnessed here has stood up to those people. Before you even think it, YES I DID. 

I am questioned as to why I look to role models like Oprah Winfrey, Maya Angelou, Nelson Mandela, Nina Simone etc. It's simple. These people lived with hate, A LOT of hate, suppression, violence, injustices and constant degradation of something they had no control over, the beautiful colours of their skins, their culture, and ultimately, themselves. Now, there will be some that are opposed to comparisons that I have dared to draw here, of course, they will be people that have never walked a day in my shoes, this I can guarantee. I am not saying and NEVER would say that I know what it is like to walk in the shoes of some of my role models I have mentioned above, even my friends that I so dearly cherish, because we all have a different journey. A journey that if you think about it, really does lead us to the same destination in the end, no matter what you do or don't believe in, who you love or even the colour of your skin.

Loving someone of the same gender is NOT a choice, you don't wake up one day and say "Hmmmm... Guys or girls today?" and anyone who thinks that really needs to try and live life as a gay person and get back to me. The sacrifices we face on the daily whether it be via acceptance from family, friends etc or even the danger that is all to apparent, is something I would not wish on my worst enemy. Don't even bring the cultural or religious argument into this either, the death penalty still exists for homosexuals in 10 countries and the "act" is illegal in a staggering 77 countries. I am not apart of a lifestyle choice, I am not doing this for attention, I am not perverted and I most certainly AM A CHILD OF GOD (Whatever or whomever he or she may be) and THIS UNIVERSE. 

My point is, at the end of the day we are all just the same, it's only our experiences that ultimately give us some difference and even those are what bring people together, and of course our own inabilities to view others as our equals. I see colour as just that, something beautiful and different, no matter whether it be white, brown, black, golden or red. The same goes for love. It's something we are all entitled to, right? Love? Isn't that what is preached to us via our religious mentors, our family life, the TVs and movies we watch, the music we listen too, don't we all just want to be loved?

I met some ladies the other night that truly inspired me to write this, to think deep about this subject and go beyond all the stereotypical associations I have become accustomed to, to get real with me and you know what I found? L.O.V.E. Yep, pure, plain and simple, love.

Be kind to each other friends, stand strong in what you believe in and always make your words and actions count. 

Always.

That word.

That word is so strong. It can be so hurtful and so,so comforting. It incites the strongest of fears in many and in times of frustration, doubt and need, it can be the strongest word we will ever use.

It is said in joy. It is said with disdain. But one thing is for sure, no matter how it is said you will never forget they way you felt and for this, it will always, always remain the same.

When describing those four letters and what it means to you, many speak with tones of high, many with echoes of sadness in their speech, and then there are those that have never known just exactly what this word truly means.

However it is said, those four letters will change your life whether you accept this or not, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worst. One thing is for sure though, without them the world would be a very different place, good, bad, indifferent or undecided, those letters shape us all.

Love.

The goodbye.

Exit, this way --->

Urrrggghhh. I hate this feeling, you know the one, the unrelenting, imminent approach of what seemingly feels like it will never truly arrive, the "goodbye". Why can't we just be clear and concise, almost with a stiff upper lip if you like. "Thank you very much, I have had a wonderful time, but I really must go." It'd be so much easier and very polite. I know why. Because we are human and humans have those crazy little (and sometimes SUPER big) things called emotions. Cue Mariah and "Emotions."

The fact that I have been pacing my room, all 2 meters of it, for the better part of the day is not only annoying but a preventative from me doing pretty much anything (that, or I have found the pen ultimate excuse - you decide). Urrrrggghhh. Again. Sometimes I wonder if people really are cut out for the modern day relationship ideal that we all seem to crave and want to be apart of. Why? It seems to not only be a never ending slew of failures for me, but something that is starting to appear to be more elusive than, well, love.

I guess that age is a defining decision with relationships as you get older. Not the physical numbers themselves, but rather the experiences that those years have or haven't afforded you, something that is totally and utterly out of your control, it just is. But hey, that's cool too, we all have a path or paths to follow and each and every one's story is unique and brings us to the place(s) that we are meant to be at or in at exactly the right time, no matter that they be negative or positive experiences, the key word to remember here is "experience". It makes us wiser, emotionally richer, aware and hopefully more understanding couples with lots and lots of compassion. I said "hopefully".

The loss of someone that you love, whether it be physically from this world or just physically from your  day to day life, hurts, it hurts like a nail being rammed repeatedly into your heart. But we need to go through it. We need to feel that sense of loss and take time to reflect on what it is that was lost, a relationship, a friend, a lover, love. Next time it'll be better, it'll be different, I'll be different, that's what everyone says, me included. The fact is, we should have been different when it mattered, now it's too late.

How does that saying about hindsight go?

"Hindsight is gained through experience." Says it all really.

Only Human.

I'm scared. I wish I wasn't, but I am.

I don't want to be hurt anymore, I don't want to feel that thing we call heartache, I don't want to be let down. I don't want right now. I want now, tomorrow and whatever future I have, we have. 

I need that. Companionship, trust and of course love. Why is it so hard? I can give it all I've got. Can you? I know I shouldn't ask, I'm a communicator, it's what I do. I'm honest.

I have been hurt so many times, we all have. I've had my trust, faith and hope broken more times than I ever thought possible. Why? Why tell someone you love them and then hurt them? Is it fear? Selfishness or just plain cold hearted? I guess we will never truly know.

Please don't hurt me. Don't hurt anyone for that matter, including yourself. 

After all, we are only human..

There are times and then there is time.

Time flies.

There are times and then there is time. Profound? I think not, more an obvious observation of the movement of life and everything that surrounds us.

Nearly everything we do is governed by some sort of time frame, arriving and departing from work, appointments, music, films, books, food, waiting, sex, periods of gestation and ultimately our very own existence. Depending on how you depart this world and what you may or may not believe in, you more than likely will be remembered by dates arrived and departed, quantifying just how much time you actually spent here.

Time allows us to create things, to dream, to plan, schedule and search, but it is also what reminds us of our mortality and those dreams and plans that need to be achieved before there is no more sand passing from one end of the proverbial hour glass the other. We have enough time. I'm out of time. What time is it? Where did the time go? Statements and questions I would hear every day in my working life. Every little thing we do seems like a race against the clock, a chance to try and beat something that we can't see, feel or touch, yet our lives depend on it, literally.

Love and relationships require time, then again they can all to often consume time, time that will never be returned. These lost moments we so often refer to the "lessons of life." What rubbish. It's completely and utterly lost time that will never be recovered. Bitter? No, realistic. The only lesson that is truly learnt in these moments is to ensure that our clocks are set to "never again".

Death is the one frontier that no one has conquered or been able to quantify where time is concerned. Is there really an eternal after life? What would one do with all that time? One thing that I do know for sure is that the never ending search for whatever it may be you are searching for, will continue as long as that very curious luxury we know as time, prevails. As a matter of fact, I never really thought of it until today, but time truly is the most precious thing any of us have.

(Don't be) Out of time.

I Can't Imagine A Day...

I can't imagine a day, in fact everyday that I am alive, that I wouldn't love you, even if the time should come that you should stop loving me.

I accept the many changes that life and love have in place for me, but the gift of you has far exceeded sex, romance and all the other cliches, the gift of you is pure, honest and available, a rarity in this world.

An Angel not confined by the gates of heaven, whose boundaries are the universe and beyond, you picked me to cherish and love. Just me.

Thank you.

Morals, yours or mine?

I was having a discussion with a friend yesterday that led me to some very interesting revelations about life, myself and the company I have sometimes kept.

The topic was infidelity and whether or not to continue with her boyfriend. I explained that I think that every situation is different and if both people are willing to try and work it out, then power to you both! She asked me what if I stumbled across this situation? I have done and every time I have tried to resolve the issue and the other party has either been indecisive or in my recent of relationships, denying it till the end and then refusing to communicate with me. Either way, it was fucked and I really didn't enjoy any of it. AT ALL.

I then thought about the prospects of open relationships and posed this question to her to which I received a sharp "No way. I'm to jealous." Again, something that I also couldn't really do, not because I am overly jealous but more because I am male, the need to mark or assert my territory and all that cave manesque crap that seems to be ingrained into our DNA.

Then the doozy was thrown my way. "My friends knew about his cheating but told me they didn't want to hurt my feelings." Hmmm, again something that I have also faced and on more than one occasion. Its this last statement that has really had me in a dilemma with my own personal situation of late, maintain "friendships" or let them go. Sadly, I am opting for the latter and I will explain why.

I take full responsibility for my actions, my relationships and the words that come out of my mouth. I do not take responsibility for someone else's infidelity when that is not within the boundaries of what we have both agreed to for our relationship. In saying this, if you bear witness to your friends partner cheating on you, no matter what the level of intimacy is, don't you think you have an obligation to at least attempt to tell that person what is going on? Other than the moral code, yours and mine, there is a very real threat of things like diseases and personal safety which could seriously harm the person cheating and god forbid, that friend who was none the wiser to these actions, who never asked for any of this and now potentially faces some very serious risks.

I loathe the bullshit excuses too that "I was drunk" or "Pills make me do it, I can't control myself", I have been more intoxicated than I really care to admit in my time of partying, and not once have I ever forgot where I put my dick or whose tongue I had in my mouth. I also never suffered from what I call "selective relationship amnesia". If you are not 15 years old and drunk for the first time in your life, then your excuses like the above examples are lame, insulting and ultimately pathetic.

I'm not sure if my answer helped my friend, but it sure as hell clarified a few things for me, the main one being the realisation that a real friend is very hard to come by, cliched, but so,so true. Yet another time in my life where my Oma's words of wisdom pop into my head and seem to make all the more sense now, "You are the company you keep."

Time to tidy that "company" up.

Oh No. Not you again!

Fuck. Again!?

Just when you think you have nothing left to give, that everything you had emotionally was used up on previous loves, someone comes along to challenge everything you ever knew. Someone who doesn't fit the bill of anything you have ever known or imagined you would be with.

Yet through all the uncertainty and societal do's and don'ts where matters of the heart are concerned, you just know that this one, this person, will be in your life no matter what the future holds. That this person shares the same values as you, honesty, loyalty, integrity and truly gets what the words friendship and love really mean.

That everything you thought you knew, was wrong and you need to readjust your thoughts and processes on life, love and relationships. There are no excuses with this person, no reasons to not be open, no lies, no bullshit stories and an openness that is well beyond his years. This persons words have value, meaning and absolutely no hidden agenda.

I'm more scarred from the last few loves than I care to admit and in particular the last two long term ones. There were so many lies and injustices that I am scared to give my most fragile of gifts, my heart, to anyone again. But this always happens right? You think you have it ALL worked out, that you have found the love of your life and for some reason or reasons it ends, sometimes ok and sometimes bad, very bad. You swear you will NEVER EVER open your heart to anyone again, and there in the distance comes some little angry, but ever so kind, human being, marching to the beat of their own drum, born with many lifetimes behind them and a certainty of what it is they want. A soul well beyond his or her years. Where the hell did you come from and why did you choose me?

FUCK.

Love. Just go with it.

Scar(s).

A scar. What is a scar? From a wound in fighting, an operation or a broken heart.

Everyone speaks of the healing process and that like all things, the wound will eventually heal and you will be left this so called "scar". A marking of something that once was, whether it be good or bad. A badge of honour for some.

As with any healing process, you need to know how to care for this wound, to converse about the best possible way for it to heal. A doctor explains this in great detail with a physical wound, but with matters of the heart, well, you either get it or you don't. More often than not, you don't.

I have loved but a few in my life, true loves that is. I have been burnt by love too. Strangely, my heart is still warm and open to the idea that one day I will be truly loved. A friend questioned me on this other day and I responded with "I have loved with all my heart and many times, I have had that very heart ripped from my chest. But if I had not had these experiences, how will I be able to decipher the good from the bad?"

In order to understand what true and honest love is, we unfortunately need to experience this pain of love lost, a heart broken or someone just walking out of your life with no explanation. A scar will eventually form and from time to time you will look back and remember just what it is that "true love" means to you, and appreciate it when it (true love) eventually presents itself to you.

Don't stop loving and find forgiveness in your heart, not everyone is perfect, but everyone does deserve forgiveness and sometimes its this forgiveness that will also assist them in their healing process too. We all have wounds.

Love, four simple letters that can make or break a heart.

Lie(s).

1. "A lie is an intentionally false statement to a person or group made by another person or group who knows it is not the whole truth. Lies can be told for various reasons and with various amounts of success."

   
   

   What an interesting way to describe something that we all have done at least once in our lives, and depending on how good we are at it, with varying degrees of success. Or as Wikipedia so interestingly describes it above "with various amounts of success".

   
   

   I myself detest lying and see little to no use for it at all. That, and the fact that I am as transparent as a piece of cellophane when it comes to spewing out anything other than the truth, no matter what the situation and/or how painful it may be to hear and receive. I guess I got that from my Oma, her truths knew NO boundaries and when I say NO boundaries, I mean she was limitless when it came to being "honest". 

   
   

   Luckily for me, I have been able to (or so I think) fine tune my ability to tell the truth into a way that gets the point across with out being rude, aggressive or offensive. But this piece is about lies and those who tell them, where the line is drawn for what is an "acceptable lie", and if in fact there is such a thing as an "acceptable lie". I mean we have all told that little white lie to a friend when they have asked us for our honest opinion on things like clothing choices, makeup and god forbid, weight. "You look amazing, I swear you have lost weight". Don't lie, you know you have said that on more than one occasion when it wasn't the truth.

   
   

   What about when lies start going into deep and murky emotional waters. Lying about being out with people when you were some else completely different, or how much you have spent on the credit card this month (bit pointless given that that there is thing called a statement, yet we still stupidly do it.) or the King of them all, that lie about fidelity and what constitutes infidelity. Uh-huh, a deafening silence in the room has arrived.

   
   

   I am pretty sure that at some point in this life we are all going to be on the receiving end of lies about love, fidelity and general relationship foes, but there will also be some of you that will be the perpetrators of these lies. The ones that cause pain, heartache, anguish, despair and in some horrific cases, death. As dramatic as it may seem, I read an article the other day of a woman who had her heart broken by a love of twenty years and willed herself into dying, she just gave up. Sad, but true.

   
   

   The amount of times I have been on the receiving end of these types of lies is limitless and has spanned my entire dating life. Hell, it probably began as a child with certain family members, I guess those lies caused all of the above too. Yes, they did. Yet, it is the lies I have been fed as an adult that has hurt me the most. As a child you are innocent, naive and prone to accepting and believing everything, it's understandable that lies are easily fed to children. But as an adult, you are generally sceptical, guarded and unsure of what the truth is, proof is needed and when your guard is finally down, that's when the liar resumes his or her prime position for attack, and in most cases, it is your heart that is the target.

   
   

   
   

   I wish I could say that it gets easier and make some PSA about lies, but it doesn't get easier. Each time it hurts as if it was the first time that someone broke your trust. Each time you question yourself on what you could have done better, how you could make yourself better, and each time you will find yourself at some point just breaking down and crying and asking yourself where, why and how it all went wrong. If you weren't the one telling the lies then its simple, it's not you in any capacity that created this. I have come to realise that it is the other person or persons complete and utter insecurity with themselves that creates this manifestation from fear that we know as lies. The truth.

   
   

   So, to come back to what is an "acceptable lie", I guess that is a question that only you will be able to answer. If you have been on the receiving end of serious lies, then I am guessing nothing is acceptable. If the truth is something you read about on a Facebook post or see in an Instagram picture, then I am guessing you are pretty much the subject of this entire feed.

   
   

   "The truth may hurt for a little while, but a lie hurts forever."

   
   

   
   

   
   

Past, Present or Future?

The future. It provides hope, love and ultimately life.

Everyone has a past, or as people like to so often and cynically refer to it these days as, baggage. Most people are for the better part and somewhat in the present, and the future, well I am not so sure how many people actually look to the future anymore, which kind of scares and saddens me.

I was brought up mostly by my Grandparents who hailed from Europe and had lived, and I mean LIVED through the second world war. There were famines, holocausts, bombings, deaths, rapes, murders, you name it, two of the greatest, kindest and most loving people I know, experienced it all and well before they had even hit thirty years of age. Reality check right there in itself.

I listened to many stories, obviously heavily watered down for a child's ears, but there was always one resounding and underlying theme to each story. The hope for a better and brighter future. Sure, we discuss this all the time in the West, but these were stories of the extreme, where people were being forced into horrific and abnormal situations that tested the very core of what it meant to suffer and yet many times, had more hope and faith in their hearts than most I encounter today, most that seem to be devoid of any real major problems in comparison.

I am a massive believer in living in the now, there really is no other way, it is the present that allows us to create what we want for the future, but also keep a mindful eye on the past as to not repeat those things that did not enhance us or feed our souls in the right way. So then why is it so hard for me to accept others that seem to only live in the now? Like I said, I am here, doing my thing and ready and open to all the experiences and challenges life has to offer, why can't I just leave it at that? I even believe in the mantra "live each day as if it was your last". I will tell you why.

Being hurt by others, especially where matters of the heart are concerned is something that we are all to familiar with at some point(s) in our lives. We for the better part, pick ourselves up, dust off the pain and get on with living in the present, all the while hoping that the future will be better than it ever has been. Right? So then why do so many seem to think that you are to only live in the now and come across as being unable to commit to the future? Again, I have an idea.

I honestly believe that many of us grew up with the ideals of my Grandparents, yet somewhere and unfortunately, someone, really messed with our hearts, heads and ultimately distorting the way we see our futures. The amount of times recently I have heard the following statement "I used to believe in love, but my heart was beyond broken. Now I just believe in the moment, nothing more. Real love doesn't exist". Sad, huh? It also doesn't give much hope to people like me, who although I share the above cheating/lying/deceit histories, still believes in love. I still believe that we must acknowledge and learn from our pasts in order for us to succeed in the present. But we must also look to the future, where our dreams, hopes and aspirations lie, and YES, this can include someone special, someone that only comes along once, maybe twice in a lifetime. Someone that may just redefine that concept yet again, but this time for the better, ensuring you understand that the past is what brings us to the present, but the future is what keeps us going in the here and now.

The future is bright, very bright...

Endings & New Beginnings...

The choice is not always yours, but ultimately which direction you will take is up to you...

I just received the news from a friend that she and her husband had called it quits after 17 years, two children and what seemed like a lifetime together. No real explanation given and all done via email. Been there and had that done to me.

It really saddened me, made me ask "why are people so quick to run away from things, especially matters of the heart?". Is it fear of loving someone so much that you inadvertently exit stage left with the notion of "at least I didn't get hurt first" or is just plain laziness, that in 2014 we no longer value the sanctity of marriage, relationships and respect for those around us we say "I love you too". I have a feeling its a little of all of the above.

I guess we have all been where this friend is at the moment at some time in our lives and it sucks, plain and simple. It can feel like someone has slowly cut your heart out and thrown it against the wall, the void is so large that you don't know if it will ever be filled again and if so, with what? Emptiness, sorrow, pity? No. Every wound heals, slowly but surely and although there will always be a scar, this is also a very beautiful and new part of you. It tells of a story that was once had, a great love that is now lost, memories of better days spent with that special person and now, sadly and finally put to rest.

I can not lie friend, there will be dark days, many in fact. Allow yourself the tears, speak your truth always and never ever stop loving yourself, this is the biggest mistake some of us make. You are a woman, mother, friend and daughter. Now, you must simply find you, revel in your strengths and develop your weaknesses, for you owe it to yourself to be eternally happy.

Smile my friend, we all have your back no matter how near or far we are...

Today.

I numb the pain I have by drowning in my sorrow,
If only there was a way I could change this heart of mine, I would beg, steal or borrow.

I think of you each and everyday,
Though the light I once had in my heart has all but turned to grey.

Your face appears in my dreams each and every night,
Something I struggle with as I never wanted to fight.

I pray for the day that you will finally let me speak,
It's the only hope I have right now, given that things look ever so bleak.

My love for you will never wane,
As sad as this may be, I understand that we will never ever be together again.

One door closes and another opens or so they say,
The time has come for me to start this new life, a new life which begins on this very day.

Heart. Broken.

Only YOU can fix it.

I came across this little piece I wrote over a year ago after the breakdown of my relationship. I wanted to post it as an ode to how therapeutic writing can be and that like all things, time heals all wounds...

There really is nothing that one can say to you when someone tells you that they don’t love you anymore. Nothing.

You sit there shifting from tears and blubbering mess to questioning yourself with what “you” did wrong. All the while being told “it’s not you, it’s me”, by the person that you love. The very person that you have trusted with the most vulnerable of things, your heart. You tell those that you love and trust and they constantly remind you of a relationship they had that ended in a “similar” way, letting you know that “it does get better”. Meh. What gets better is what I would like to know? The hurt? The broken heart or the fact that your trust has been broken in the most awful of ways. I would like to know the answer. Please.

I guess that there is no answer. If there was, no one would be upset, deceitful, lie or ever hurt again. What a world that would be, honesty and love with no hurt. I wish I lived in that place right now. I have only experienced pain like this once before in my life and that was the morning I found my previous partner dead, hung over the toilet. I think in the last 24 hours I have cried so much that I have burst little blood vessels all around my eyes. Great, as if I am not already feeling über confident at the moment with everything else, I now look like I have contracted some jungle virus!

I feel sick, really sick. I have a headache and my eyes are stinging, the kind of stinging that you get from swimming in salt water without goggles. I know that the physical aspects will all subside in time, they always do. Humans are good like that. It’s the heart that is broken. The heart, the memories and the love that I don’t think I will ever be able to get over. I did it once, it took a while but I had no choice but to “get over it”, he died. This is a bit different. I am not loved “like that” anymore. I don’t have a choice this time.

My friends, what do I tell them? My family, his family, his friends, what the hell do I say? We all make mistakes, we all do things that we regret, or maybe we don’t regret. Who knows? I think it’s easier for the other person, they have already decided on what they will do, whether it is in their mind or by their actions, or in some cases, both. What the hell do I say?

I am lost, more lost than I have ever been in my life and scared, boy am I scared. I am trying to work out what is scaring me so much and I just can’t find the answer. Maybe I have been to dependant, I never used to be. Maybe it is the fear of being out there, alone, facing things without my best friend by my side, my best friend who has picked me up when I have fallen, picked me up so many times over the last nine and a half years that I just don’t know what I will do without him. Oh shit, here come those fucking tears again! Damn they sting. I know I don’t have a say in this, that is one of the hardest things for me, I just don’t have a say this time.

It’s good to write or talk things out, isn’t it? He is such a good person and I have been so lucky to have had him in my life. The luckiest person in this world actually. It’s kind of selfish of me to think that only I should experience this, maybe that old adage really is true:

If you love something, Set it free… If it comes back, it’s yours, If it doesn’t, it was never truly yours to begin with….

That four letter word...

If only it was as easy as hitting the "love" key.

Love. I often wonder what it is that has the majority of the human race on a never ending search for this four letter word that seems so elusive and for many, so unattainable. Well, elusive in the beginning, then after a few years of love, most seem to be running away from the very thing they had been chasing for so long. Strange, huh?

I have found myself yet again, at a crossroads as to what and how I feel about love. I mean I couldn't have asked for better role models than my Grandparents, married for some forty years, but then on the flip side, it went pear shaped with my own parents, whom I think lasted maybe five years all up. Got to give it a good Aussie go I say! Or not.

Sure, people break up all the time, that is the easy part I have come to realise, but actually getting someone to commit is the hard part. Who am I kidding, getting someone to do something other than fucking your brains out, or something that requires you to both leave the confines of your bedroom together, now that is the hard task these days. Boo, fucking hoo I hear you say about getting "some", well sometimes, just every now and again, it would be nice to have a conversation clothed and devoid of things like, "Deeper", "Harder" or "Slap it!". I digress.

So why then, am I confronted with a group of single (gay and straight), amazing friends that seem to be forever single or have trouble staying with someone longer than a hot new york minute? I will tell you why, fear. That's right, another dirty four lettered f word, F.E.A.R.

All I ever hear from people dating is what they want, someone real, someone who will make them laugh, a good lover, someone independent, someone financial, well hung, tight as a clam out of water, oh my god!! Shut the fuck up, please! What they REALLY need is someone to give them a god damn reality check. The minute you are "real" or "honest", many, if not most people run for the hills screaming. Seriously.

This love revelation has lead me to believe that a) there are not that many fish in the sea (cause if there were, I would be the stream and all those Salmon would be swimming against the tide to be in me - no pun intended) and b) learning to love yourself is the best revenge you can give yourself. That, and the fact that there is only so much "crazy" a relatively sane person should have to deal with in their life. Lord knows I have more than had my fair share of crazy and I am done with my community service for the mentally unstable boyfriend seeker(s) that seem to be so prevalent these days.

I found a quote that sums up exactly how I feel about love these days and what it should always mean, "Our first and last love is.... self love. Always." And I thought loving someone else was the easy part, how wrong I was...

Mr.Clumsy.

I am not sure where the term jaded originated from, yet when it's used I know exactly what is meant by it. As a matter of fact, it was only just recently that I heard this term used when describing sentiments towards dating. The same sentiments that seem to be echoed by many after a disastrous break up, more often than not when one party has cheated and/or there is no turning back.

I don't understand the jaded concept, which given my own personal situation of late, seems to be almost, well, weird. I guess I am an optimist where matters of the heart are concerned, that, or I am just plain stupid. I think I will go with the first option. Having been out of the singles scene for nearly 10 years has left me with little sensibility where matters of the heart are concerned. To be honest, pretty much nil sensibility. Kind of embarrassing actually.

So what does one do when they like someone? I mean if you like someone, doesn't that mean that you want to get to know them, and if the answer is yes, then doesn't that usually involve some sort of communication? Evidently you need to go slow, real slow. Well, slow if you have just ended a relationship recently, or so I have heard. Makes sense, sort of.

So here I am, 5 weeks later after being dumped and I find myself in this predicament. I am a communicator yet seem to not be listening to what is given to me, it's that damn heart of mine overriding every reasonable bit of common sense I so pride myself on having. Sitting at the dinner table with a friend this evening, I find myself constantly looking at my phone to see whether my mundane text has been answered yet. Mundane because I am looking for any excuse to send a text. Things like "How was your day?" or "I am not really crazy", what the hell am I writing!!?? Then there is the constant apologies for sending the bloody texts that really don't make for good or interesting conversation with someone new. Well, not in my books anyway. What has come over me?! It's like a Strawberry Shortcake doll has possessed my body and all I can do is watch on in disbelief as I slowly scratch and sniff my dignity away.

After being laughed at by my friend tonight as I sat there constantly looking at my phone, wishing I could just erase every idiotic thought that I felt was so needed to be put into a text format, I realised that this stupidity is what also makes me human, real. Sure, it must be annoying to receive them, even though annoyance is what I never wanted, but words like truthful, clumsy, silly, heartfelt and honest spring to mind. Actually in reality it's just me, plain old Matthew.

Can I redeem myself from this disastrous start to a new friendship? I hope so, but only time will tell. One thing is for sure, there will be no more texting until I am given the green light. Come to think of it, I might just lay off the texting altogether for a while, I know my fingers will truly appreciate the break. As will someone else's eyes.

Let's see what happens...

The exception to whose rule?

I thought I had it all, I thought that I was the exception to the "rule". You know the rule, the one that forbids gay men from staying together for longer than a year and if you do, your relationship then needs to turn into an "open" one. Who made that rule, I am not entirely sure and I guess that I did break the rule in many ways, but maintaining it for eternity seemed a very real and likely possibility. That was until recently.

I grew up with very religious grandparents who had very strong ideas on what a relationship should entail. A man and a woman court (I LOVE that word, so ye olde), fall in love, get married, have children and stay together until the day they should both leave this world. A beautiful ideal and for their generation, a very real and attainable ideal. For my generation, my parents and everyone born after my generation, this kind of notion doesn't seem to exist too much anymore, or so I've heard.

Don't get me wrong, my Grandparents were quite liberal in all their religious views (Jewish and Catholic, Catholic dominated though) and my Oma even went so far as to speak of Gay marriage way back before it was fashionable to support it. However, when I came out to my family, the one thing they wanted for me the most was to have a long lasting relationship with ONE person. Easy peasy. Man, was I in for a shock when it came to relationships and what my expectations of a relationship were to be met with by those that were meant to mean the most to me, my partner(s).

I dated a slew of guys when I moved to Sydney that just wanted one thing, sex. I was the naive and innocent guy from the country town known as Adelaide, (over a million population mind you, one hell of a country town) the guy that evidently had no idea about the hustle and bustle of Sydney and all its harshness and reality on how life was to be lived. The guy as one person so kindly put it, had "outdated, archaic and ridiculous views on gay relationships". I was supposed to be grateful that someone just wanted to fuck me and that I shouldn't expect anything more. I tried it and sure, it was fun as sex usually is, but it wasn't what I wanted and more often than not, left me with a massive void. 

Finally, I met someone who, although I did not fall for instantly, showed me so much love and kindness that it blew my mind. Almost as if it jolted me back to earth and awakened something that I had been suppressing for years, my long lost values. He was so caring and obviously yearning for the same thing I was, love. It wasn't long before we shacked up together, got a cat and plainly put, "set up shop" as a duo. Years passed and so did the many highs and lows, the good times and not so good times and then the one thing that I never thought would happen, happened. Death.

I was young when he passed, 29 years old to be precise. I was discussing his death with a new friend the other day, not as morbid as you may think, more remembering the way people treated his illness. Being gay and ill meant that he had HIV according to all his friends, some of mine and the usual pitying passerby. Actually, he had Leukaemia, but no one cared about what he really had, it was just assumed that we must have had an open relationship being gay and someone "slipped up". Couldn't have been further from the truth, we were in many ways the exception to that rule.

I never thought that I would ever meet another person as kind and generous as him, but as fate would have it, I did. A mutual friend introduced me to this new found handsome intellect and from the moment I met him, I was smitten. I was nervous though, I never prided myself on being "brainy" and knowing he was, made me so anxious on how he would receive me when he realised I was a crazy, emotional loon that loved hard. All my ridiculous insecurities were to put to rest and some 9.5 years later, I look back on the longest relationship I have had and can honestly say that I have had the best time of my life. I have been loved and have loved with all my heart.

There were lows, boy were there lows, none lower than what was to erupt a few weeks ago, but the highs were the greatest of highs and are something that I feel very fortunate to have shared and experienced. Relationships are complex things and more often than not, things that people would rather quit than work on, no matter what form they come in, sexual, friends, marriage, family, they all require great amounts of listening, loving and learning. I guess when I look back and read what I have written, it just reinforces to me that I am the exception to the rule, my rule, whatever that may be. I will continue to write my rules, learn from others rules and adapt them where necessary.

The future is bright. Very bright.