You.

You held me,

You kissed me,

You fucked me,

You loved me.

You tore me,

You scared me,

You lied to me,

You hurt me.

You left me,

You barred me,

You forgot me,

I still loved you.

Nothing.

One year passed,

You said sorry,

I have peace now,

Thank YOU.

Marriage Equality has arrived - In the US.

Lets hope it lasts.

I am sorry, I need a hot minute to absorb this. Ok, I need more than a hot minute, I need a hot hour.

Just now via my darling friend Sharla and the never ending stream of tweets from tweeters like Same.Same, BET, People Magazine and GQ, yes, even GQ is onboard with this, I now am to believe that marriage is something that will be afforded to the LGBT community. Is this shit for real?

Let me explain why I am having a hard time believing this will stick. I am happy, happier than most, as my dream has always been to get married to the one I love, the rest of world told me that the one I loved needed to have a vagina, I preferred the penis option. I digress. I had heard from the get go how wrong being gay was, that is was disgusting, perverted and more often than not likened to the worst kind of being I could have ever imagined being. As you can imagine, coming was going to be super easy with all this behind me. NOT.

Like the majority of my gay, lesbian and transgendered brothers and sisters, I came out and not to the roaring crowds full of appreciation that you may see at a Pride parade around the world, more a solemn "Are you sure?" and "OK, if that's what you want", coupled with silence and long periods at the beginning of this "coming out process" of not really talking to my family. Some of it was them not understanding me and a whole lot of it was me feeling that I had somehow brought shame upon my family, that I had let them down and ultimately, let myself down. Luckily that shit passed and things are a lot better, not perfect, but better.

I was saying to my friend Sharla that she needed to remember something, that she was speaking to a gay guy who is nearly 40 years old, who, and let's be brutally honest here, has very rarely seen or heard positive things about the community that I am meant to belong too, except from those close to me, like said (and wonderful at that) friend. I have grown up listening to people preaching from every corner of the  globe how disgusting I am meant to be, perverted, diseased and living "that" disgusting lifestyle is a choice. How I do not deserve the right of the law and very often, how these "people", my people, should be stopped with their "agenda", even eradicated from society and the earth we all share. Yes, even in 2015 this still exists, you just needle to google gay to see what comes up, or even better, ask one of your gay/lesbian/transgendered friends on their experiences in life, you'll be surprised and more often than not, deeply saddened. Violence, murder and suicide are still all to common amongst the LGBT community and hopefully this changing of laws will allow peoples fears and misconceptions to slowly dissipate.

So, whilst I am over the moon, ecstatic even, that my brothers and sisters in the US will now be seen as equals in the eyes of the law, I need a minute to process that I too may be seen as YOUR equal in the eyes of the law one day. That this may in fact be my reality, now, tomorrow and in my future. That eventually it will NOT be referred to as "Gay marriage" but rather, simply "marriage". That as a global society we will start to look at love as truly that, LOVE. That we will not associate the negative with being gay and that as humans, consenting adults, we all have the right to share a life with someone that we love, no matter what their gender, colour or religion may be. Just love.

It's taken me just over 30 minutes to write this and yes, it has finally sunk in.

What a day - June 26th, 2015.

For more information on Marriage Equality:

http://www.marriageequality.org

Trust Yourself.

Always.

Its really hard to understand each other sometimes, especially when different cultures are involved. I have learnt so much over these last couple of years, none more so than the time I have spent in Brazil.

I have trusted, I have loved and many times I have lost, lost my heart, lost my friendships and yes, lost my love. I wish there was something that I could have done to change these things as the loss of someone that you gave your heart and friendship to is one of the hardest losses we face in life.

Emotions run wild and whilst I don't believe in regret, I do believe in self evaluation, reflection, the ability to say "If I had my time again, maybe I would have done things differently.." I am man enough to say yes, I would have done things differently. I would have been less needy. I would have said no. I would have loved myself more. I would have said goodbye earlier.

But I didn't. That's ok too, life is about learning, right? About the ability to stand in front of the mirror and promise yourself that those mistakes will never be repeated. Never. I believed in love, I really believed in it. Man, I flew across the world to be with the one I loved, I thought he loved me too, he didn't, he thought he did, but I know he didn't. I'm not angry, I am sad though, to think that these relationships we cherish so much, we work so hard for, we love almost as much as family, can disappear in a split second. Everything is forgotten, love becomes disdain, fond memories are now more painful than anything else. Yet through it all that person or those people are still so missed.

We are human, all of us. Our experiences are different and yet so shared, common even. We laugh, we cry, we fight, we make love and we all yearn for that special someone to enter our lives and change it all. We trivialise the things that were once so important us, photos are destroyed and our hearts are broken. Why?

Fear. Love. Solitude. Sex. Insecurity. Emotions. You. Me. Us.

Although the winds change the seasons, our lips no longer connect and words and laughter no longer share our moments together, you are all in my heart and my memories.

Always.

Judgement - it's not so black & white.

A lot of people ask me why I associate myself so much with black music, culture, and of course my "Queens", especially as the exterior I was given is so pale. A question that is sometimes hurled at me with disdain and an all to often questioned beyond belief.

It's a hard thing to articulate in just a few words, especially if you have never been the subject of people constantly trying to bring you down, separate you, hate you, in some cases eradicate you and all to often, dominate you. I am not saying that the race debate and the homosexuality debate go hand in hand 100%, but for me, there is some solidarity in the struggles we have faced and sadly, continue to face.

This was brought into question with me the other day when I spoke with a gay man here who was severely beaten in an all to often occurrence in Brazil, "Gay hate crimes". When he went to the police, he was laughed at and told "he was lucky to be alive" and "to get out of the station". On further investigation of the laws in Brazil, there appears to be NO law(s) that protect the rights of gay, lesbian and transgendered people here. The subject of gay hate crimes is not isolated and I am pretty sure most if not all gay people will have experienced this at some point in their lives, me included. I have been in many situations in "tolerant" São Paulo, where I have witnessed effeminate gay men being called names on trains, many times other passengers laughing along at the mockery of these people. Not one person in the myriad of incidences I have witnessed here has stood up to those people. Before you even think it, YES I DID. 

I am questioned as to why I look to role models like Oprah Winfrey, Maya Angelou, Nelson Mandela, Nina Simone etc. It's simple. These people lived with hate, A LOT of hate, suppression, violence, injustices and constant degradation of something they had no control over, the beautiful colours of their skins, their culture, and ultimately, themselves. Now, there will be some that are opposed to comparisons that I have dared to draw here, of course, they will be people that have never walked a day in my shoes, this I can guarantee. I am not saying and NEVER would say that I know what it is like to walk in the shoes of some of my role models I have mentioned above, even my friends that I so dearly cherish, because we all have a different journey. A journey that if you think about it, really does lead us to the same destination in the end, no matter what you do or don't believe in, who you love or even the colour of your skin.

Loving someone of the same gender is NOT a choice, you don't wake up one day and say "Hmmmm... Guys or girls today?" and anyone who thinks that really needs to try and live life as a gay person and get back to me. The sacrifices we face on the daily whether it be via acceptance from family, friends etc or even the danger that is all to apparent, is something I would not wish on my worst enemy. Don't even bring the cultural or religious argument into this either, the death penalty still exists for homosexuals in 10 countries and the "act" is illegal in a staggering 77 countries. I am not apart of a lifestyle choice, I am not doing this for attention, I am not perverted and I most certainly AM A CHILD OF GOD (Whatever or whomever he or she may be) and THIS UNIVERSE. 

My point is, at the end of the day we are all just the same, it's only our experiences that ultimately give us some difference and even those are what bring people together, and of course our own inabilities to view others as our equals. I see colour as just that, something beautiful and different, no matter whether it be white, brown, black, golden or red. The same goes for love. It's something we are all entitled to, right? Love? Isn't that what is preached to us via our religious mentors, our family life, the TVs and movies we watch, the music we listen too, don't we all just want to be loved?

I met some ladies the other night that truly inspired me to write this, to think deep about this subject and go beyond all the stereotypical associations I have become accustomed to, to get real with me and you know what I found? L.O.V.E. Yep, pure, plain and simple, love.

Be kind to each other friends, stand strong in what you believe in and always make your words and actions count. 

Always.

Marriage Equality. Why is yours better than mine?

As if this wasn't/isn't reason enough!

I wrote this piece two and a half years ago. I remember friends telling me at the time "Don't worry, this is all going to change within the next year. Yep, give it a year Matt and this will all be apart of history."

Nothing has changed and its now two and a half years...


I have never been one to sit on the fence, don’t ask me why this is, I have just always had an opinion. This is not to say that my opinion is always right, I mean after all, an opinion is just that.

It was my Oma who always told me to “never sit on the fence. No good has ever come from someone sitting on the fence, because at some point the fence will crumble." It was words like this that gave me a strong sense of ones opinion(s) and their importance in life. Very wise and very true words that I carry with me today.

In recent times many “traditional” opinions have been challenged and subsequently changed, whether by law, religiously, ways of thinking or plainly in peoples hearts. Think of the women’s suffrage movement, the civil rights movement and even the way people treat their beloved pets. All things that have gone through drastic change and more importantly, education and a mind set over haul. It brings me to a massive issue that is sweeping the world at the moment, marriage equality.

Now I am not going to harp on about the inequalities that these archaic and unfounded laws pose for gay people and their right to live their life the way they see fit, but I will say that I am hugely disappointed at groups like the Christian lobby and their unrelenting smear campaign against the gay community. I mean what ever happened to “Love thy neighbor” ? I thought that a truly religious person is not meant to judge? Maybe I am wrong. Then again, who am I to judge?

You see, gay people pose NO threat to society in any way what so ever. We (yes, I am one of those very people) do not start wars, we do not form gangs and terrorise people, and I am sure the crime rate amongst gay people would not be surprisingly low. What we do is, pay our taxes (like you and the rest of the country), we love like you do, we hurt like you do, we love our country like you do, we love our friends and family like you do and yes, some of us even have faith like you do. It is time that people stopped fearing us and treated us with the same rights that the rest of the country has, the same rights that we go to vote at the polls with like you and the same rights that protect the country we live in, just like you. I guess you could say, we really are just like YOU.

Please look past the rubbish that is being thrown around at the moment and find it in your heart to see that we too, have a right to love the one we love and should we so desire, marry that special person. I truly believe that my beautiful country, the country that has welcomed people from ALL over the world, will recognise Marriage Equality. Isn’t that what Australia is all about, equality for ALL of its citizens?

#Marriageequality for all!

The exception to whose rule?

I thought I had it all, I thought that I was the exception to the "rule". You know the rule, the one that forbids gay men from staying together for longer than a year and if you do, your relationship then needs to turn into an "open" one. Who made that rule, I am not entirely sure and I guess that I did break the rule in many ways, but maintaining it for eternity seemed a very real and likely possibility. That was until recently.

I grew up with very religious grandparents who had very strong ideas on what a relationship should entail. A man and a woman court (I LOVE that word, so ye olde), fall in love, get married, have children and stay together until the day they should both leave this world. A beautiful ideal and for their generation, a very real and attainable ideal. For my generation, my parents and everyone born after my generation, this kind of notion doesn't seem to exist too much anymore, or so I've heard.

Don't get me wrong, my Grandparents were quite liberal in all their religious views (Jewish and Catholic, Catholic dominated though) and my Oma even went so far as to speak of Gay marriage way back before it was fashionable to support it. However, when I came out to my family, the one thing they wanted for me the most was to have a long lasting relationship with ONE person. Easy peasy. Man, was I in for a shock when it came to relationships and what my expectations of a relationship were to be met with by those that were meant to mean the most to me, my partner(s).

I dated a slew of guys when I moved to Sydney that just wanted one thing, sex. I was the naive and innocent guy from the country town known as Adelaide, (over a million population mind you, one hell of a country town) the guy that evidently had no idea about the hustle and bustle of Sydney and all its harshness and reality on how life was to be lived. The guy as one person so kindly put it, had "outdated, archaic and ridiculous views on gay relationships". I was supposed to be grateful that someone just wanted to fuck me and that I shouldn't expect anything more. I tried it and sure, it was fun as sex usually is, but it wasn't what I wanted and more often than not, left me with a massive void. 

Finally, I met someone who, although I did not fall for instantly, showed me so much love and kindness that it blew my mind. Almost as if it jolted me back to earth and awakened something that I had been suppressing for years, my long lost values. He was so caring and obviously yearning for the same thing I was, love. It wasn't long before we shacked up together, got a cat and plainly put, "set up shop" as a duo. Years passed and so did the many highs and lows, the good times and not so good times and then the one thing that I never thought would happen, happened. Death.

I was young when he passed, 29 years old to be precise. I was discussing his death with a new friend the other day, not as morbid as you may think, more remembering the way people treated his illness. Being gay and ill meant that he had HIV according to all his friends, some of mine and the usual pitying passerby. Actually, he had Leukaemia, but no one cared about what he really had, it was just assumed that we must have had an open relationship being gay and someone "slipped up". Couldn't have been further from the truth, we were in many ways the exception to that rule.

I never thought that I would ever meet another person as kind and generous as him, but as fate would have it, I did. A mutual friend introduced me to this new found handsome intellect and from the moment I met him, I was smitten. I was nervous though, I never prided myself on being "brainy" and knowing he was, made me so anxious on how he would receive me when he realised I was a crazy, emotional loon that loved hard. All my ridiculous insecurities were to put to rest and some 9.5 years later, I look back on the longest relationship I have had and can honestly say that I have had the best time of my life. I have been loved and have loved with all my heart.

There were lows, boy were there lows, none lower than what was to erupt a few weeks ago, but the highs were the greatest of highs and are something that I feel very fortunate to have shared and experienced. Relationships are complex things and more often than not, things that people would rather quit than work on, no matter what form they come in, sexual, friends, marriage, family, they all require great amounts of listening, loving and learning. I guess when I look back and read what I have written, it just reinforces to me that I am the exception to the rule, my rule, whatever that may be. I will continue to write my rules, learn from others rules and adapt them where necessary.

The future is bright. Very bright.