It's been a while.

"It's been a while", a phrase that has kept on popping up over the last few weeks. A phrase that I guess can go either way, positive or negative. I have felt both of late.

Yesterday marked what would have been my first partner's 49th birthday, something that he sadly was not afforded due to Cancer and a life taken way to soon, a story shared by many around the world. Lying on my bed, severely hungover from the night before antics, I found myself looking up above at the stark white ceiling of my room and uttering the words "It's been a while", ten years this August in fact. It was this remembrance of what seems like another life time now, that got me thinking just how many times I have used this phrase of late.

A message from an old lover who disappeared out of my life and was never to be seen or heard from for a year, decided to respond to one of my many messages I had sent him. A response that was honest, over due and finally in front of my eyes to read. It brought a smile to my face, a tear or two to my eyes and gave me some sort of peace in my heart. But all the time I was reading it and to be honest, for some weeks now after receiving it, I have found myself again uttering those very words: "It's been a while".

Then there's family, the core of my very existence and the people that have shaped me, supported me, loved me and always keep it real with me. My mother, whom I adore in every sense of the word, went in for a rather simple operation a couple of weeks ago and ended up nearly losing her life. No matter the age or health of someone, the possibility and actuality that death was near or has finally arrived, will never ever be a fact that can be dealt with in a rational manner. "It's been a while", in fact far too long pounded my head for well over a week after this incident.

New people coming in and out of my life are a common occurrence in a grand metropolis like São Paulo, Brazilians from other states and people from around the world all leave their mark on you and your experiences on the daily. Many a conversation is had and time and time again I keep hearing in various forms and languages, "do things for yourself and not others. Love yourself first." Words that I am so happy to share with others and yet strangely don't really listen to or even adhere to when I am the one in need of them. Maybe it's time I started listening to these words more, I can definitely say "It's been a while."

The Year That Was, 2014.

Buh bye 2014...

To sum this year up in a few words would be absolutely impossible and do the experiences, both good and bad, no justice whatsoever. So I'm going to go right back to when my year began, December 26th, 2013. The day I boarded the plane in Sydney, bound for Las Vegas, first stop Korea.

This year was always going to be big. From the minute I decided I was going to pack my things up and have a year or so of study and life abroad (in Brazil), I knew experiences where going to be plenty. Just what those experiences would be or entail, well, none of us ever truly know how good or bad they are going to be. I got both.

Everything was going pretty smoothly, I arrived in Seoul, Korea, and spent two nights there exploring my immediate surroundings as I was alone and it was far to cold to venture out any further than what I felt comfortable with in such a short amount of time. I saw quite a bit and was able to indulge myself in one of my favourite cuisines (all things Korean) for two solid days. Heaven.

From Korea I was bound for my baby brothers wedding in Las Vegas. I like to party and so does he, so this was going to be nothing short of one week of wedded partying bliss. Joined by family and friends from all corners of the globe for his special day, I think that Las Vegas in 2013/2014 will go down as one of the happiest times of my life, definitely of this year.  I celebrated a birthday, New years and of course my brothers wedding in Las Vegas, not to mention seeing artists like Celine Dion, Boys II Men and Robin Thicke all perform whilst I was there. I needed some rest so next stop was with the parents and relatives to New York.

New York might just be my favourite city in the world. I decided to spend a month there and really explore the place, something that a career doesn't always allow for, time. I took my parents to see a broadway musical, Motown - The Musical and we shared many sights together including a trip to Washington. The hardest part of this trip was my last day with my Mum in New York and seeing the tears stream down her face as we parted. We both knew that it was going to be quite some time again before we would be together laughing, squabbling and enjoying each others company.

From the freezing cold I was off to Brasil, where I switched things up in Rio for a week. Porto Velho in Brasil's north was next, followed by my most recent and somewhat final destination of nearly a year or so now, São Paulo. This city has been nothing short of amazing for me, the people I have met, the University I studied at (FAAP) and the trials and tribulations I faced, each and everyone of those things has taught me invaluable lessons that I never dreamt I would be able to learn.

I would say love to be able to say that 2014 has been amazing and only this, but in all honesty, I am well and truly happy to put this year behind me. The lessons have been learnt, the love lost and gained, and a myriad of other things in between that have opened my eyes. I am grateful for the time I have been given here and intend to use whatever time I have left to its full potential.

Here is to a new year ahead where tolerance is a not just a word, but an action. Where people the world over truly start to mend the pains of the past and look to a future that is brighter and devoid of these "lines" that we seem so incessant on creating. I don't have children (yet), but many of my friends do and when I see their faces, in every glorious shade, I realise that all I truly want now is a world where each and everyone of those faces, no matter what their shade is, the gender, or who they choose to love, is treated with the same amount of respect and afforded the same opportunities as everyone else. The time has come for change and we all need to get onboard.

It's 2015 people. Look where we are and take that in.



Happy New Year!

Do I have to clean my... mind?

I am not a negative person, well that's what my positive affirmation book tells me and I try to read it everyday, with little to no success. On a more serious note though, there have been many things in my life of late that have unfortunately left a somewhat foul taste in my mouth, the foul taste of negativity.

Trying to remove these so called "tastes" has proven to be a rather difficult task or tasks, and I am again finding myself in search of anything that will get my positive vibes back up and running again. I mean ANYTHING.

After scrolling and trolling through every self help word available to man via google and an endless array of quotes, I stumbled across a picture that I had heard about many years ago by an artist that goes by the name of Yoko Ono. Yep, that bizarre diminutive Japanese lady that used to be married to a Beatle, and who is also working harder than ever at spreading her desire for peace and love the world over. I know this for a fact, I saw her live in Sydney last year and she really means what she says, "War is over. If you want it."

I digress. Ms.Ono had created this piece titled "cleaning piece" for an art exhibit in Venice. As always, the style was explicitly simple with a very powerful message, a message that I am going to "try" to adopt over the coming months, "Try to say nothing negative about anybody." Easy, right? I mean, I pride myself on not talking (too much) smack about others, but every now and again a situation or situations, usually in the human form, test my ability to not say unkind things about bad or idiotic behaviours. Well now I have three options at trying this experiment, 3 days, 45 days and/or 3 months. I'm going to go all in, 3 months.

As Ms.Ono said recently when asked about this piece, all you can do is try. Trying is the more powerful of all the words on this little piece of paper, without it we will never truly know if we are actually able, able to do anything really. Let me see what happens to my life, I'm sure I am going to be surprised, if not by the outcome, at least for the fact that I "tried" to stick to something for longer than a week.

Oh No. Not you again!

Fuck. Again!?

Just when you think you have nothing left to give, that everything you had emotionally was used up on previous loves, someone comes along to challenge everything you ever knew. Someone who doesn't fit the bill of anything you have ever known or imagined you would be with.

Yet through all the uncertainty and societal do's and don'ts where matters of the heart are concerned, you just know that this one, this person, will be in your life no matter what the future holds. That this person shares the same values as you, honesty, loyalty, integrity and truly gets what the words friendship and love really mean.

That everything you thought you knew, was wrong and you need to readjust your thoughts and processes on life, love and relationships. There are no excuses with this person, no reasons to not be open, no lies, no bullshit stories and an openness that is well beyond his years. This persons words have value, meaning and absolutely no hidden agenda.

I'm more scarred from the last few loves than I care to admit and in particular the last two long term ones. There were so many lies and injustices that I am scared to give my most fragile of gifts, my heart, to anyone again. But this always happens right? You think you have it ALL worked out, that you have found the love of your life and for some reason or reasons it ends, sometimes ok and sometimes bad, very bad. You swear you will NEVER EVER open your heart to anyone again, and there in the distance comes some little angry, but ever so kind, human being, marching to the beat of their own drum, born with many lifetimes behind them and a certainty of what it is they want. A soul well beyond his or her years. Where the hell did you come from and why did you choose me?

FUCK.

Love. Just go with it.

Trust.

I am so confused at this moment in time. I don't get this place a lot of the times, a lot of people here seem to want to create drama out of nothing and for what reason I really don't know. Maybe boredom? Maybe its cultural, I don't know. Maybe it's just good old fashioned insecurity.

At the best of times, no matter the language, difference in culture or people, it can be hard to make friends, this is a given in 2014. So when two friends messaged me today to say they have deleted me because their partners were jealous of our friendship(s), I was shocked. Actually I am kind of saddened by this. I have not done anything to warrant their insecurities, yet am being punished by the loss of friendship.

I find it strange that many have told me I am "insecure" or that "I need to love myself more" amongst other things, yet for me, allowing a partner to do his or her own thing, to have their own friends, is not something that should warrant distrust, insecurity or even anger. We are not their parents after all, we are their partners, we are supposed to stand by their side, encourage them to flourish and grow, and yes, trust them wholeheartedly. And this is coming from someone that has been cheated on more times than I really care to remember or acknowledge.

I refuse to bow down to this kind of behaviour as it does not make for a healthy relationship in any context and I have come to realise that it is not I that is any more insecure than the next person, but in fact I am much more secure in myself when it comes to relationships, love and life than most. Trust and love are the two greatest gifts I can give anyone of you whom I love, and I do this with open arms and a honest heart.

"To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved."

A(lone)ly.

I never thought I would feel this way. Alone. No, lonely. Contrary to what people may think of me, I actually really do enjoy my own company, just not all the time. Friends to hang with and talk is something that I think I really took for granted back home, especially as I am so far from those who know and love me the most.

This country is an amazing place, really amazing. I'm in Brazil after all, and I don't take that for granted ever. But, yes there is a but, it is also a very difficult place to live. The language, culture(s), day to day living and ability to make new friends. Don't get me wrong, I haven't entirely lost my ability to make friends, but this language thing is really proving to be a major blockade for me. Again, the simplicity of being able to express myself or articulate almost anything is something that I have really taken for granted.

I look Brazilian. I get told this everyday and whilst it is probably the most flattering thing I have ever been told in my whole life, it can also pose some problems when you can't speak the language. I use my usual phrase of "Sorry, I only speak a little Portuguese", which is more often than not met with quizzical expressions and sometimes a blatant "huff". I get nervous and fumble my words. I must end up coming across rude as I hate to not be able to communicate, let alone looking like a fool, but this language, Portuguese, can be ever so hard to learn.

I miss catching the train and bus, really I do. My fears have crossed over into public transportation and it is not only upsetting but also becoming exceptionally costly (think taxi's), especially when you do not have a job. Sigh. I wish it would all just click and I could breeze into a metro station and know and understand where it was I am going. But then that would defeat the purpose of this whole trip right? I came here to challenge myself, leave the past behind and create a new future. I guess I really wasn't expecting things to be so hard. Foolish maybe, unrealistic, a lot.

The inability to commit to a time or prearranged date is also something I am not used to here. When say not used to, I mean Brazilians more often than not see no problem with not keeping to the original plan to meet, sometimes even cancelling on me when I was at the place waiting. This behaviour, although not meant with any ill intent, more so an overly relaxed approach to life, can sometimes lead to that feeling of being alone, unimportant even. People have their lives, loves and families which I totally understand, I guess that's just it, I don't have any of those here. They will come one day, hopefully.

It's Sunday afternoon and I think I will go for a walk. I love walking here, so many people, so much colour and vibrancy every where I turn. People laughing together, holding hands, eating, families discussing things, I guess in my own little way I can live through these people, observe them and be grateful that they have found happiness and love. I guess being alone is not such a bad thing after all. Actually I just realised something, I am not lonely, I am just alone, for the time being anyway.

There is a big difference.

Palavras.

As palavras são coisas incríveis . Um grupo de letras que quando falado, escrito ou assinado , pode ter significados tão poderosos , boas e más . Às vezes, eles são tão incríveis que não podemos abandoná-las , revisitando -os uma e outra vez à procura de maneiras novas e belas para amar todos e de cada um deles. Mas, infelizmente, o mesmo pode ser dito para o negativo. Eles podem cortar tão profunda que nós mais uma vez, manter revisitando -os uma e outra vez , agarrando-se às coisas que podem nunca ter sido destinado , interpretar as coisas à nossa maneira e até mesmo , às vezes, terminando com conseqüências fatais.

Ultimamente tem havido algumas pessoas que dizem que as minhas palavras são tingidas com tristeza ou desespero. Eu sou um escritor , eu acho que vem com o território, que coisa sobre sofrimento etc eu prefiro não usar a palavra "sofrer" como eu não sou uma vítima , e eu sou um cidadão do mundo que pode ver as coisas um pouco diferente para você, talvez com um toque mais sensibilidade para o que está acontecendo em volta de mim , você, nós, do mundo.

Hoje foi-me dito por um amigo que ela podia ver um menino em mim. Alguém com tanto amor , tanta compaixão pelos outros , mas alguém que precisava ser bem tratados. Hmmm . Bem tratados. A viagem que eu me coloco no recentemente mostrou-me de tantas maneiras que este tratamento deve começar comigo. Algo que eu posso dizer verdadeiramente começou. Finalmente . Ela também mencionou algo que eu achei fascinante, " Para fazer o seu início semente profunda para vir como você realmente é, não do jeito que o mundo fez" . Intense . Mais uma vez, as suas essas palavras , todos eles juntos formando uma frase poderosa que simplesmente não podem ser ignorados.

Talvez eu tenha estado a olhar para as coisas de uma forma dimensional um para a longa . Eu sempre me orgulhei de não ser assim, mas às vezes é preciso parar e perceber que nós realmente não tenho visto coisas do jeito que precisa ser visto, através de nossos olhos e não o resto dos mundos. Palavras como espírito livre , esclarecida e elevada são algo que nós associamos com uma conotação religiosa , mas na realidade, eles são todas as coisas que nós nos esforçamos para , precisa ou mesmo anseiam , não importa o que o nosso sistema (s) crença é.

Para alguns a viagem é curta, maneira de curta duração. Para outros, pode parecer um mar sem fim de emoções , luta e muitas vezes, dor no coração , juntamente com o mal-entendido as palavras que lhes são dadas . Hoje é um novo dia, um dia para ouvir ou olhar para aquelas palavras que são faladas , escritas ou assinadas e entender exatamente o que eles querem dizer ea intenção que se passa com eles. Para olhar através de seus olhos e não o que foi condicionado em sua cabeça, a ouvir com os ouvidos e não levar em conta os murmúrios suaves de outros ao seu redor , e se você tiver a capacidade , para tocar essas palavras com as mãos e senti-los em apenas uma maneira que você pode. Afinal , as palavras são apenas um grupo de letras agrupado para nos comunicar de alguma forma . O que fazemos com essas palavras é inteiramente até nós.

A life lived or a life lost...

It really is just that.

A while ago, some big changes happened in my life, changes I did not see coming at all. They were processed, cried over and eventually dealt with. This is life.

After the healing had begun, I decided that I was going to live my life by the following motto, "Should I be blessed to live to a wise old age, what will I be able to ask myself on reflection of this life? Did I live the life I wanted? Did I chase my dreams, love the one I love with every ounce of my heart and try to bring as much joy to those around me, friends and strangers alike. Or, will I sit in my chair and wish I had done all of those things, but never found the courage to do them, rather looking at ways and excuses to have prevented myself from being happy?

I know there are some that think I am crazy, and yes I am to a degree, brilliantly crazy in my love for life, people and everything else that flows between. I would not change one thing in my life to date though, can you believe it? That includes the heartache, the joy, the loss, the pain, the laughter and of course the tears, man have there been so many of those.

I have finally come to realise that it is all those things that have allowed me to arrive at this place, a place of new beginnings, a new love, new friends and new challenges. A place that I would not have been ready to receive and understand if not for those very steps I needed to take, good, bad and indifferent.

As for that question I posed to myself above, you already know that I will have many, many stories to tell in my old age. Now, what about you, what path will you choose to take? The choice is completely up to you, but don't deny yourself the right to live, love and laugh, it's just not fair...

#LiveYourLife #LoveWithAllYourHeart #HaveNoFear #OpenYourHeartAndYouWillReceive #Happiness #FelicidadeMeDefine #Truth

Don't be THAT guy.

I'm just not THAT guy.

You know, the one who picks a fight with people for no apparent reason, angry, yet not sure as to why, but feeling the need to prove something to all those around him. Testosterone out of control bringing about aggression, inferiority and fear, all eagerly waiting to rear their ugly heads.

I'm just not THAT guy.

The guy that tells you he loves you then cheats at any given chance, all the while searching for any excuse as to why he did it, even blaming you. Telling you that you've changed, you nag to much, you didn't do enough. You, you, you. Nothing you do is right and that he just doesn't love you anymore, at all.

I'm just not THAT guy.

The one that swears at you, abuses you, belittles you and makes you feel so insignificant that you just want to curl up and die. Hits you, and threatens to, and then scares you at every chance just to make sure you are on edge at all times, dominating you, living in fear that at any given moment he will snap and this time, maybe this time it just might be the last straw.

I'm just not THAT guy.

The guy that promises the earth and delivers nothing, time after time, it didn't come through because of someone else, never looking at himself. Being unable to accept that he is flawed and that there is nothing wrong with that, it's normal, it's human, it's all of us.

I'm just not THAT guy.

The guy that won't love you till the ends of the earth, or step in front of a bullet for you or not be afraid to defend you when you need it in your darkest hour. To never push you when things just seem to hard or never congratulate you on the many achievements that will come your way in life. To never hold you, kiss you and touch you every day as if it was the very first time we met. To never smile or laugh or step out of his comfort zone for you, to never challenge his thoughts and ideas because they are yours, and to never love you in the way you want to be loved, honestly, respectfully and truthfully.

Now that right there, I'm well and truly just not THAT guy...

Past, Present or Future?

The future. It provides hope, love and ultimately life.

Everyone has a past, or as people like to so often and cynically refer to it these days as, baggage. Most people are for the better part and somewhat in the present, and the future, well I am not so sure how many people actually look to the future anymore, which kind of scares and saddens me.

I was brought up mostly by my Grandparents who hailed from Europe and had lived, and I mean LIVED through the second world war. There were famines, holocausts, bombings, deaths, rapes, murders, you name it, two of the greatest, kindest and most loving people I know, experienced it all and well before they had even hit thirty years of age. Reality check right there in itself.

I listened to many stories, obviously heavily watered down for a child's ears, but there was always one resounding and underlying theme to each story. The hope for a better and brighter future. Sure, we discuss this all the time in the West, but these were stories of the extreme, where people were being forced into horrific and abnormal situations that tested the very core of what it meant to suffer and yet many times, had more hope and faith in their hearts than most I encounter today, most that seem to be devoid of any real major problems in comparison.

I am a massive believer in living in the now, there really is no other way, it is the present that allows us to create what we want for the future, but also keep a mindful eye on the past as to not repeat those things that did not enhance us or feed our souls in the right way. So then why is it so hard for me to accept others that seem to only live in the now? Like I said, I am here, doing my thing and ready and open to all the experiences and challenges life has to offer, why can't I just leave it at that? I even believe in the mantra "live each day as if it was your last". I will tell you why.

Being hurt by others, especially where matters of the heart are concerned is something that we are all to familiar with at some point(s) in our lives. We for the better part, pick ourselves up, dust off the pain and get on with living in the present, all the while hoping that the future will be better than it ever has been. Right? So then why do so many seem to think that you are to only live in the now and come across as being unable to commit to the future? Again, I have an idea.

I honestly believe that many of us grew up with the ideals of my Grandparents, yet somewhere and unfortunately, someone, really messed with our hearts, heads and ultimately distorting the way we see our futures. The amount of times recently I have heard the following statement "I used to believe in love, but my heart was beyond broken. Now I just believe in the moment, nothing more. Real love doesn't exist". Sad, huh? It also doesn't give much hope to people like me, who although I share the above cheating/lying/deceit histories, still believes in love. I still believe that we must acknowledge and learn from our pasts in order for us to succeed in the present. But we must also look to the future, where our dreams, hopes and aspirations lie, and YES, this can include someone special, someone that only comes along once, maybe twice in a lifetime. Someone that may just redefine that concept yet again, but this time for the better, ensuring you understand that the past is what brings us to the present, but the future is what keeps us going in the here and now.

The future is bright, very bright...

Endings & New Beginnings...

The choice is not always yours, but ultimately which direction you will take is up to you...

I just received the news from a friend that she and her husband had called it quits after 17 years, two children and what seemed like a lifetime together. No real explanation given and all done via email. Been there and had that done to me.

It really saddened me, made me ask "why are people so quick to run away from things, especially matters of the heart?". Is it fear of loving someone so much that you inadvertently exit stage left with the notion of "at least I didn't get hurt first" or is just plain laziness, that in 2014 we no longer value the sanctity of marriage, relationships and respect for those around us we say "I love you too". I have a feeling its a little of all of the above.

I guess we have all been where this friend is at the moment at some time in our lives and it sucks, plain and simple. It can feel like someone has slowly cut your heart out and thrown it against the wall, the void is so large that you don't know if it will ever be filled again and if so, with what? Emptiness, sorrow, pity? No. Every wound heals, slowly but surely and although there will always be a scar, this is also a very beautiful and new part of you. It tells of a story that was once had, a great love that is now lost, memories of better days spent with that special person and now, sadly and finally put to rest.

I can not lie friend, there will be dark days, many in fact. Allow yourself the tears, speak your truth always and never ever stop loving yourself, this is the biggest mistake some of us make. You are a woman, mother, friend and daughter. Now, you must simply find you, revel in your strengths and develop your weaknesses, for you owe it to yourself to be eternally happy.

Smile my friend, we all have your back no matter how near or far we are...

Adjusting the compasses until we need just one, ours.

It's those eyes, that smile, I can't get them out of my head, I don't want to, but the thought of not seeing you for months is killing me. It hasn't even been twenty four hours and I feel lost without you.

I'm trying to be strong, I promised myself that I would never allow myself to feel this way again, vulnerable, scared and yet so in love. But I did. For me, it all happened the moment I opened that door, saw you standing there smiling that smile, laughing, eyes beaming. My heart melted, it was love at first sight.

You speak of adjusting our compasses, I can't seem to find my compass through all the tears. I'm not sad, I am just longing to be sitting in your presence, laughing, watching you smile, listening to you, hugging you. I haven't slept at all, I kept rolling over to see if you are there, if this is just a bad dream, that I will see your face. I can't find you. I need more time with you, a week just isn't long enough, yet it also seemed like a lifetime spent together, it was easy, you and me. What I wouldn't give to go back to that very moment I opened that door.

I'm lost. I need to find that compass, to make sure that we find each other again. I remember pinching myself when we were sitting in a cafe, asking you if this was real, you and me. You laughed, smiled and looked into my eyes and said "bobo". I'm pinching myself again, pinching myself to wake up from this dream, the one where we are not together, where I am longing to feel your hand in mine. This is what they call "Saudade" right? I don't like it. I want you next to me.

Happiness defines me, you write this all the time, I agree. Happiness from you now makes up a big part of what defines me, not because I am looking for an excuse to avoid doing the hard work, but because your happiness is genuine, real. It comes from a place deep within that I have never seen before in someone. Felicidade. That's what you bring to me, Felicidade.

Ah, there it is, my compass, it's set to you, ready to meet again, for the time that we will need just one compass, ours. Not long now...

Você é lindo, você é perfeito, você é o Pedro.

Felicidade or Happiness, its your choice.

Life, it's a funny old thing that we are all apart of in some way or another. I would never have imagined the week that was for me, the highs and lows, anticipation, joy, laughter, the formation of new friendships and the sights of a city that was as close to paradise as I think I have ever been. I also wasn't expecting to fall in love.

We are all damaged or scarred in some way or another, no matter how cool we think we are or how sound we are, there is some baggage stored away that only you will be able to rummage through and decide whether or not you are going to keep it or throw it. I inadvertently went through mine without even realising it over this past week and threw the whole damn thing away. As someone special in my life keeps saying "Happiness defines me". It was just that which encouraged me to get rid of the crap. His happiness.

There are a few times in your life, if you are even that lucky, that someone comes along and changes you, changes you for the better, not because he or she has pushed their agenda onto you, rather the essence of that person radiates in all its purest beauty, a force that just has no way but to penetrate the deepest layers of the things that are preventing you from finding, understanding and allowing that happiness to get inside of you. The fear that you once had of being hurt, becomes a distant and almost foreign memory, and finally, you find that happy special place that you have so been longing for.

For most of us, happiness is a choice, a choice that so many people seem to not know how to make, yet speak of their longing for it. Maybe we all need that special someone to waltz on into our lives, shake it up and force us to redefine who we really are. Maybe it has always been there, right in front of us, but our conditioning of what happiness means, an almost selfish ideal in many countries, forces us to abandon and not allow it into our lives. Not me.

Seven days have been and gone, with them a whirlwind of emotions, excitement, memories and love. Yes, love. I was not expecting it and when it arrived it smacked me so hard in the face that I didn't know what to do, so I cried and cried. Today, I had to depart from that love, something that again led me to tears, many tears in fact, but deep down inside of me something tells me that this time it is different. It's real. It's honest. It's easy. It's us.

 Its not the end, its actually the beginning. I realised that we have so much to do together, that our story has only just begun and no matter what, we just have to take one page at a time. Devour every delicious word on that page, take our time to revisit chapters we didn't understand and should the need arise, cross out what we thought we knew and re write what we want, after all, it is our story. So, I choose happiness, with you.

Today.

I numb the pain I have by drowning in my sorrow,
If only there was a way I could change this heart of mine, I would beg, steal or borrow.

I think of you each and everyday,
Though the light I once had in my heart has all but turned to grey.

Your face appears in my dreams each and every night,
Something I struggle with as I never wanted to fight.

I pray for the day that you will finally let me speak,
It's the only hope I have right now, given that things look ever so bleak.

My love for you will never wane,
As sad as this may be, I understand that we will never ever be together again.

One door closes and another opens or so they say,
The time has come for me to start this new life, a new life which begins on this very day.

The mirror has two faces?

2am in New York and I'm still writing...

So here I am. It's nearly 2am on a Thursday morning in Manhattan and I am wide awake contemplating life and how I can solve all of its problems. Then I thought about conversations I have had of late, one in particular on what YOU see when you look into a mirror has really dumb founded me.

I'm a sucker for a beautiful smile and beautiful eyes, I mean who isn't? My heart melts when someones genuine and beautiful smile is given to me, it makes my heart stop and sends me to a place that I could only liken to what we call heaven. Given all this, it really knocked me for a six when someone special in my life told me that they didn't like what they saw when they looked in the mirror.

Sure, I don't like what I see, but I am tall, slightly overweight and kind of goofy. But this person, this person has a smile that could warm the coldest of hearts, eyes that just have that sparkle in them that makes you remember to live and a body that anyone would kill for. Yet, he told me he didn't like what he saw when he looked in the mirror. I don't get it? Does his mirror have two faces? If so, I want to see what he is seeing, surely it can't be what I see, right?

I mean I go out and get told things like "You are cute, but need to lose weight". Sigh. I actually asked one guy, "Do you a) think I am blind and b) that I don't have a mirror in my home?". No response. So when I see or hear amazingly beautiful people like this person (and many others) telling me that they don't like what they see, it really makes me question what have we done in society where so many of us seem to feel that we have fallen below par somewhere, and in some cases, everywhere. Do muscles equate to a fantastic personality? Does a D cup perfect and perky set of breasts equal a heart of gold and a Phd? Sure, there are people, there must be people with these attributes that society seems to hold so dear, that are truly amazing on every level, but what about those people that don't have those superficial qualities that are held with such great esteem? Are they any less of a contributor to our societies and god forbid, less attractive?

So I fell asleep contemplating all these things and then awoke to read the following from the very person I had been talking to about the above just a few hours beforehand. It goes something like this:

Good morning!
Look in the mirror now, what do you see reflected in it?
If it's disappointment, say: Holy shit, this can't be me!
If sorrow, say: son of a bitch Mirror, I do not accept this reflection!
If lack of motivation say: I can do, damn it!
Rebel, kick the bucket, but please change any reflection that is messing up your twinkle in your eye and only accept the view of a reflected image of self-love, you never stop saying: beautiful Mirror!

So there you have it. Maybe all it takes is a good rest, a chat with someone and maybe a new mirror. That, or you just woke up and realised that the reflection that is looking back at you is absolutely and utterly perfect in every single way, perceived and imaginary flaws and all.

Let's all try and work towards to the latter...

Time.

The time is flying. Literally.

It feels just like yesterday that I was sitting at home creating a video in celebration of my impending ten year anniversary. That was over a year ago now. I looked at that video the other day, the feelings are different now, not in a bad way, just different. That's time for you I guess.

Now, I find myself hurriedly packing my life away into lifeless boxes, trying to work out what clothes to bring with me, do I go for the larger or smaller sizes? I am trying so hard to conquer these demons that seem to manifest themselves via food. So hard. What do I bring with me? I mean I am coming back, right? I guess again, only time will be able to tell me that and right now she is saying enjoy.

This path that we tread everyday, alone, together, indifferent to the one in front of you and always looking to see who is behind you, is exciting, scary and unknown. I often find myself watching people walking, running, intense, solemn, laughing, talking into their phones as they go about their day, all the while wondering if we share that path, at least for just a minute at some point in our lives. Sometimes, I even get up to walk a few steps behind them, to see if that exact path means anything to me. I guess my experiences will be just that, mine.

It takes strength and courage to get up and move, or so I've been told. I see it as a new chapter, a part of a book that has a loose draught, but I must create the final copy, sometimes re visiting certain pages to change the things I don't like, to correct the mistakes that I overlooked when I was tired or just simply couldn't be bothered. The pages keep turning, some days its a struggle to get through just one and others, well, the pages are filled with excitement, passion and juicy plots that before you know it, the chapter is complete and needs no absolutely no changes.

So if my life is a book, a metaphor for where I have been, what I am doing and where I am going, I am just going to take each page as it comes. To read each word with vigour, to devour the salacious plots that may happen, to cry when the sad parts arrive and to always allow myself to fall in love and be completely swept up in all my story has to offer. After all, that's all we really have, some fantastic stories to hopefully look back on, that only time will be able to tell us.