Trust Yourself.

Always.

Its really hard to understand each other sometimes, especially when different cultures are involved. I have learnt so much over these last couple of years, none more so than the time I have spent in Brazil.

I have trusted, I have loved and many times I have lost, lost my heart, lost my friendships and yes, lost my love. I wish there was something that I could have done to change these things as the loss of someone that you gave your heart and friendship to is one of the hardest losses we face in life.

Emotions run wild and whilst I don't believe in regret, I do believe in self evaluation, reflection, the ability to say "If I had my time again, maybe I would have done things differently.." I am man enough to say yes, I would have done things differently. I would have been less needy. I would have said no. I would have loved myself more. I would have said goodbye earlier.

But I didn't. That's ok too, life is about learning, right? About the ability to stand in front of the mirror and promise yourself that those mistakes will never be repeated. Never. I believed in love, I really believed in it. Man, I flew across the world to be with the one I loved, I thought he loved me too, he didn't, he thought he did, but I know he didn't. I'm not angry, I am sad though, to think that these relationships we cherish so much, we work so hard for, we love almost as much as family, can disappear in a split second. Everything is forgotten, love becomes disdain, fond memories are now more painful than anything else. Yet through it all that person or those people are still so missed.

We are human, all of us. Our experiences are different and yet so shared, common even. We laugh, we cry, we fight, we make love and we all yearn for that special someone to enter our lives and change it all. We trivialise the things that were once so important us, photos are destroyed and our hearts are broken. Why?

Fear. Love. Solitude. Sex. Insecurity. Emotions. You. Me. Us.

Although the winds change the seasons, our lips no longer connect and words and laughter no longer share our moments together, you are all in my heart and my memories.

Always.

The goodbye.

Exit, this way --->

Urrrggghhh. I hate this feeling, you know the one, the unrelenting, imminent approach of what seemingly feels like it will never truly arrive, the "goodbye". Why can't we just be clear and concise, almost with a stiff upper lip if you like. "Thank you very much, I have had a wonderful time, but I really must go." It'd be so much easier and very polite. I know why. Because we are human and humans have those crazy little (and sometimes SUPER big) things called emotions. Cue Mariah and "Emotions."

The fact that I have been pacing my room, all 2 meters of it, for the better part of the day is not only annoying but a preventative from me doing pretty much anything (that, or I have found the pen ultimate excuse - you decide). Urrrrggghhh. Again. Sometimes I wonder if people really are cut out for the modern day relationship ideal that we all seem to crave and want to be apart of. Why? It seems to not only be a never ending slew of failures for me, but something that is starting to appear to be more elusive than, well, love.

I guess that age is a defining decision with relationships as you get older. Not the physical numbers themselves, but rather the experiences that those years have or haven't afforded you, something that is totally and utterly out of your control, it just is. But hey, that's cool too, we all have a path or paths to follow and each and every one's story is unique and brings us to the place(s) that we are meant to be at or in at exactly the right time, no matter that they be negative or positive experiences, the key word to remember here is "experience". It makes us wiser, emotionally richer, aware and hopefully more understanding couples with lots and lots of compassion. I said "hopefully".

The loss of someone that you love, whether it be physically from this world or just physically from your  day to day life, hurts, it hurts like a nail being rammed repeatedly into your heart. But we need to go through it. We need to feel that sense of loss and take time to reflect on what it is that was lost, a relationship, a friend, a lover, love. Next time it'll be better, it'll be different, I'll be different, that's what everyone says, me included. The fact is, we should have been different when it mattered, now it's too late.

How does that saying about hindsight go?

"Hindsight is gained through experience." Says it all really.

Scar(s).

A scar. What is a scar? From a wound in fighting, an operation or a broken heart.

Everyone speaks of the healing process and that like all things, the wound will eventually heal and you will be left this so called "scar". A marking of something that once was, whether it be good or bad. A badge of honour for some.

As with any healing process, you need to know how to care for this wound, to converse about the best possible way for it to heal. A doctor explains this in great detail with a physical wound, but with matters of the heart, well, you either get it or you don't. More often than not, you don't.

I have loved but a few in my life, true loves that is. I have been burnt by love too. Strangely, my heart is still warm and open to the idea that one day I will be truly loved. A friend questioned me on this other day and I responded with "I have loved with all my heart and many times, I have had that very heart ripped from my chest. But if I had not had these experiences, how will I be able to decipher the good from the bad?"

In order to understand what true and honest love is, we unfortunately need to experience this pain of love lost, a heart broken or someone just walking out of your life with no explanation. A scar will eventually form and from time to time you will look back and remember just what it is that "true love" means to you, and appreciate it when it (true love) eventually presents itself to you.

Don't stop loving and find forgiveness in your heart, not everyone is perfect, but everyone does deserve forgiveness and sometimes its this forgiveness that will also assist them in their healing process too. We all have wounds.

Love, four simple letters that can make or break a heart.

A life lived or a life lost...

It really is just that.

A while ago, some big changes happened in my life, changes I did not see coming at all. They were processed, cried over and eventually dealt with. This is life.

After the healing had begun, I decided that I was going to live my life by the following motto, "Should I be blessed to live to a wise old age, what will I be able to ask myself on reflection of this life? Did I live the life I wanted? Did I chase my dreams, love the one I love with every ounce of my heart and try to bring as much joy to those around me, friends and strangers alike. Or, will I sit in my chair and wish I had done all of those things, but never found the courage to do them, rather looking at ways and excuses to have prevented myself from being happy?

I know there are some that think I am crazy, and yes I am to a degree, brilliantly crazy in my love for life, people and everything else that flows between. I would not change one thing in my life to date though, can you believe it? That includes the heartache, the joy, the loss, the pain, the laughter and of course the tears, man have there been so many of those.

I have finally come to realise that it is all those things that have allowed me to arrive at this place, a place of new beginnings, a new love, new friends and new challenges. A place that I would not have been ready to receive and understand if not for those very steps I needed to take, good, bad and indifferent.

As for that question I posed to myself above, you already know that I will have many, many stories to tell in my old age. Now, what about you, what path will you choose to take? The choice is completely up to you, but don't deny yourself the right to live, love and laugh, it's just not fair...

#LiveYourLife #LoveWithAllYourHeart #HaveNoFear #OpenYourHeartAndYouWillReceive #Happiness #FelicidadeMeDefine #Truth

Endings & New Beginnings...

The choice is not always yours, but ultimately which direction you will take is up to you...

I just received the news from a friend that she and her husband had called it quits after 17 years, two children and what seemed like a lifetime together. No real explanation given and all done via email. Been there and had that done to me.

It really saddened me, made me ask "why are people so quick to run away from things, especially matters of the heart?". Is it fear of loving someone so much that you inadvertently exit stage left with the notion of "at least I didn't get hurt first" or is just plain laziness, that in 2014 we no longer value the sanctity of marriage, relationships and respect for those around us we say "I love you too". I have a feeling its a little of all of the above.

I guess we have all been where this friend is at the moment at some time in our lives and it sucks, plain and simple. It can feel like someone has slowly cut your heart out and thrown it against the wall, the void is so large that you don't know if it will ever be filled again and if so, with what? Emptiness, sorrow, pity? No. Every wound heals, slowly but surely and although there will always be a scar, this is also a very beautiful and new part of you. It tells of a story that was once had, a great love that is now lost, memories of better days spent with that special person and now, sadly and finally put to rest.

I can not lie friend, there will be dark days, many in fact. Allow yourself the tears, speak your truth always and never ever stop loving yourself, this is the biggest mistake some of us make. You are a woman, mother, friend and daughter. Now, you must simply find you, revel in your strengths and develop your weaknesses, for you owe it to yourself to be eternally happy.

Smile my friend, we all have your back no matter how near or far we are...

Change... for the better.

What is happening to me?

I have so many emotions running through my mind at the moment that I feel like I am drowning in them. I am nervous. I am excited. I am scared, yet I am feeling fearless, like I can conquer the world. I am lonely, yet I know that I am well loved by those that mean something to me. What the hell is going on?

This last year has been the hardest year for me in a very long time. I have faced fears that I never knew even existed, I have tried to retrieve my heart from the dumpster we call "love", not once, but twice, and I have to decided to leave everything that is familiar to me behind and try my hand at a new country, new language and potentially a new life. What a difference just one year can make, huh? Change.

The path of life has been a complex one for most people I think, but I also believe that we try to over complicate and over compensate when it really is not needed. Take for example right now, it's 1am in Sydney and here I am, over complicating something that should be just so easy. After all, I have made the decisions to do these things, so why I am fearful of the changes I have sought out? Is a certain amount of fear healthy? If I wasn't fearful, I guess that would make me arrogant, and some may even say entitled. I am neither of those things.

Conversations that I have had with family, friends and within my own mind, have been many of late, mainly to do with the changes that seem to be surrounding everyone and everything at the moment, a word that so often scares people senseless, change. I have seen the strongest people I know cry for fear of letting someone they love, know just that, that they love them and I have listened to the heartbreak of a friend as she confided in the silent loss of her unborn child. I have watched my own Mother cry for a brother that wants to nothing to do with her or her family, instead wants to be left alone to die in his own unspoken pain. But it was just today that I heard of someone I have grown so fond of over the last few months, tell me that one of his friends was killed in the line of fire, a job that he too shares. I didn't know what to say, my heart ached for him and for this young man's family and friends. I can't begin to even imagine what this change has brought about.

Change is fast, it is real and can happen right before our very eyes with no way of really stopping it. Embracing it is the only thing we can really do, the good and bad, we owe it to ourselves after all. I recently said "without all the pain in life, the changes, the ups and downs, I would never know what real love feels like if I had not gone through this. Almost as if it is a test of strength, a test to see and understand what it all really means." Change is good and welcomed by me with open arms. If I didn't welcome it after all, I would have no way of knowing what lies ahead of me.

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.” 
― Paulo Coelho, The Devil and Miss Prym

Blessed.

It’s funny, you know. The fact that I get so worried when I don’t hear from you for a day, when in reality it was only a few months ago that I never heard from you at all, for no other reason than the reality that our paths hadn't crossed yet. How quickly things change, in particular the passages of meeting for the first time, to a new and uncertain friendship, and now a longing to be in the presence of you for as much time as I can or as long as I am allowed. The desire to just “know you” gets stronger and stronger with every sunset I witness as yet another day draws to a close, and then a mere few hours later I'm one step closer with every new sunrise that sees my eyes open with joy and gratitude for the day that lies ahead of me, knowing that on the other side of the world you have me in your thoughts.

I hear friends and people in movies saying “you have changed me for the better”, a statement that I have never truly understood or really felt the need to tell someone. Sure, I have learnt many lessons from family, friends and lovers over the years, but could I say they have changed me? I guess through them I have learnt things that have challenged my thoughts and even allowed me to do things better, but I am not entirely sure I have been “changed”. You on the other hand, you have opened my eyes to something, something bigger than I could have ever imagined. You are a person with no masks, no agendas and a heart that appears to be as pure as the driven snow that sits atop the highest mountain.

Blessed is something I hear you say so often, that and your connection with your spirituality, your respect to God and your family, all these things remind me that we are a part of a much bigger picture, a picture that recognizes not only you and I, but billions of people around the world. The only other person that I know of who would refer to blessings, was my Grandfather, a man who, like you, had a great love and connection with God, his family, friends and the wider community. His kindness and love were unparalleled to anyone I had ever met, that was until you appeared in my life.

If I was to be asked what I wished for the most in the future, I would answer that I wish everyone in the world was able to share this feeling that has been placed in my heart, a feeling that only you were able to do, the feeling of serenity and happiness, security and peace. Whether it be subconsciously or consciously, you have made me smile from the very depths of my heart all the way to the broad smile that adorns my face every day.

“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.”
― Robert A. Heinlein

A thousand words in one picture.



Sometimes I find myself just staring at your pictures, scanning each picture for something new every time I go back to them. Looking for that different mark I didn’t spot last time, that slight change to your smile I never noticed or a new shade of colour in your eyes that makes my heart stop.

Today I started looking at them again, one of them, one where you are glancing over your shoulder, your eyes a piercing green, a little smirk on your face with your soft curls surrounding your face, completely stopped me dead in my tracks. I got lost in the moment, trying to imagine the very point at which this picture was taken and how someone so beautiful, can be so natural at the same time with everything wonderful about you being captured in that split second. A moment in time captured, I guess.

The stresses of my day are softened these days, softened with the ability I have to turn to pictures that allow me to dream, to get lost in a moment in time that belongs to you, but may also belong to us in the future. Pictures that allow me a glimpse into your life, past and present, to have watched you grow through the years, even though we have never met. The modern day has its many benefits and luxuries, this being one of them.

I love capturing moments in time, I love secretly holding my camera or phone and capturing my family and friends speak about life, love and all it’s up and downs, many times with them being none the wiser to my constant snapping, with the outcome being beauty captured in its most natural form. I want to capture you. I want to take your picture when you don’t know it or least expect it, to keep it in a special place that when we are not together and I am feeling alone or lost, I can pull it out and get lost in all its beauty. To feel secure that not just I, but we captured a moment in time together, one that will never ever be replicated again.

The future is bright...

In Love & Lost.

I really wasn't expecting this, you know, the love thing. Well, not so soon after I had been dumped.

I had been in a relationship for nearly ten years, I mean who would think they would even want to look at another person let alone think about falling in love again. There I go again with that bloody word again, that word that everyone seems to get their knickers in a knot over, love. That's right, I said it. Love. Well I did and now I seem to be lost in the damn thing. I need to point out that I have NEVER been the "lovey dovey" type either. Really.

It all began via a picture. No really, it did. Mind you the picture was of a massive blister on my toe from a night out dancing, I think it was after new years eve. I'm not sure. Either way, the picture was NOT my best shot, kind of disgusting actually, but it attracted the attention of a lovely man. That's right, it all started over a blister on Instagram! How very modern romance of me.

The chats via the tiny box at the bottom of a picture quickly turned into chats via Face book and then into video chats. Before long, I found myself longing to get home from work and open my laptop to see if "he" was online. He always was. It was beautiful. As weird as that sounds, we always had something to chat over, pick a topic and we could discuss it. I would force myself to stay awake just so I could hear his voice. Then, I would do it all over again before work. Intense? Yeah, it was.

I found myself thinking about this man all day long. What was he doing now? Who was he hanging with? What is his country like? What is HE like? It never really entered my mind to jump on a plane and visit him. Well, it kind of did, but that would just be crazy, right?

I did it. Jumped on that plane.

I was so nervous as the plane touched down. So fucking nervous. But something inside me knew that this was the craziest and most ridiculous thing I had ever done, yet I never felt more right about what I was doing. Weird, huh?

A few weeks were spent laughing, eating, seeing, listening and walking all over one of the most beautiful cities I had ever been too. I had grown so fond of this man, so much so that I found myself falling madly in love. I guess I fell in love with him before I even got there, but being in front of his face most days for some three weeks, just confirmed what I had felt for some time now.

Before we knew it, the time had to come to part ways. I found myself crying beyond belief, my heart feeling like it had been ripped out of my chest and I am guessing that he was feeling the same way too. Now, having been back home for a few weeks, I find myself again longing for this man that I have grown so fond of.

I know that I am that guy that says "I love you" and "I miss you" and yes, it comes 100% from the deepest part of my heart. I know that some people find it hard to hear this based on their own personal experiences and ability to let someone "in". But you know what? As much as I try and change who I am, I can't and I don't want to. It is this very trait about myself, the fabric of who I am, that I see is lacking in so many people who walk this planet. I guess you do have to be mindful of what the other person is feeling and take that into account, but at the end of the day it comes down to a pretty simple thing, the fact that I LOVE YOU.

I promise I will not say it everyday, hell, I won't even say it every month, because yes you are right, you should be able to feel it. But when I do decide to say it again in the future, I hope that you receive it with an open heart. I never thought that I would find myself in this position again, but I have. One day I hope that I see your face again and you feel the same way as you did when I walked out of customs all those weeks ago.

I wake up everyday with the memory of the first thing you said to me when you saw me at the airport: "You are so fucking beautiful". No one has ever said this to me.

Thank you, you have changed my life for the better...