Sunday, December 22, 2013

If I could have anything...



The looks will mature over time, that's cool, you just have to be the best version of yourself at this very point in time. Nothing wrong with wanting to look good, to love what YOU see in the mirror.

What I want in my life in the future is someone that loves the look of me that he sees NOW, and then learns to love the look that he sees as the seasons change and so do we. To always remember that the real attraction comes from deep within, the ability to make each other smile, laugh, trust and love, love each other until the ends of the earth and back. To celebrate each others imperfections, what ever they may be and maybe, just maybe, turn those imperfections into the very things that set us apart from others.

To hold each others hands as we make the biggest steps in life and to also hold them when we are struggling to keep that very grip. To wake up in the morning and roll over and see someone that makes your heart stop, just for that split second. Reminding you on how truly beautiful life is, being loved, smelling the skin of someone that  only has that familiar smell unique to him, the one you have grown to love and yearn for when you are apart. But most importably, to be able to say to that person, "You are my best friend, my partner, my love".

One day, one day....

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Dreams. I really hope these ones DON'T come true...

I'm pretty sure Patti had this hair on before things started to get real.

Ok, so I had two really strange dreams last night, the first had me jumping out of my sleep and the second racing to the bathroom.

The first one involved me, Patti LaBelle and her recent move to Australia. She found me via my blog (as they do) and said she needed to be hooked up with a place to stay, a hair salon and some soulful people to hang with. Things were going great until we went out one night and when she requested that the DJ play "Lady Marmalade", well, lets just say she was shut down and told to find some singles club for that "old music". The next part of the dream was where I jumped out of my sleep, she got angry, real angry and took her wig off. That's when I woke up. I couldn't bare to see her in a hair net.

The second one was where I was at a function of some kind and some older Jewish dentist (yes, I go into great detail even in my dreams) loved my smile and wanted to give me a free check up. Conveniently, his practice was only a lift ride down and he felt the party was boring, so what better thing to do to try and break things up? Give some random an oral once over.

After my visit to the Jewish dentist (not sure why he was Jewish to be honest, maybe I have the guilt's for not doing anything for Chanukah this year and it ended on my Oma's birthday. Coincidence much?) We headed back to the party, where as per usual I was drinking and dancing up a storm. Half way through a very detailed dip in "Proud Mary" a tooth came flying out. I found it and put it in my pocket and resumed with the routine. Always the consummate professional here, especially where Tina Turner is concerned. Before the night was out, I had lost three more with the final one being a moler with a mini x-ray inside it. The Dentist told me that I had some weird "tooth falling out disease", yes that was the term he used. Needless to say, I jumped out of my sleep to check my teeth. All good.

Even when I am sleeping I am over thinking... Weird, weird man I am.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Love.



"Love is not perfect, but it can be the most beautiful thing if both people are completely equal and honest with each other."

Monday, December 16, 2013

Time.


The time is flying. Literally.

It feels just like yesterday that I was sitting at home creating a video in celebration of my impending ten year anniversary. That was over a year ago now. I looked at that video the other day, the feelings are different now, not in a bad way, just different. That's time for you I guess.

Now, I find myself hurriedly packing my life away into lifeless boxes, trying to work out what clothes to bring with me, do I go for the larger or smaller sizes? I am trying so hard to conquer these demons that seem to manifest themselves via food. So hard. What do I bring with me? I mean I am coming back, right? I guess again, only time will be able to tell me that and right now she is saying enjoy.

This path that we tread everyday, alone, together, indifferent to the one in front of you and always looking to see who is behind you, is exciting, scary and unknown. I often find myself watching people walking, running, intense, solemn, laughing, talking into their phones as they go about their day, all the while wondering if we share that path, at least for just a minute at some point in our lives. Sometimes, I even get up to walk a few steps behind them, to see if that exact path means anything to me. I guess my experiences will be just that, mine.

It takes strength and courage to get up and move, or so I've been told. I see it as a new chapter, a part of a book that has a loose draught, but I must create the final copy, sometimes re visiting certain pages to change the things I don't like, to correct the mistakes that I overlooked when I was tired or just simply couldn't be bothered. The pages keep turning, some days its a struggle to get through just one and others, well, the pages are filled with excitement, passion and juicy plots that before you know it, the chapter is complete and needs no absolutely no changes.

So if my life is a book, a metaphor for where I have been, what I am doing and where I am going, I am just going to take each page as it comes. To read each word with vigour, to devour the salacious plots that may happen, to cry when the sad parts arrive and to always allow myself to fall in love and be completely swept up in all my story has to offer. After all, that's all we really have, some fantastic stories to hopefully look back on, that only time will be able to tell us.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Change... for the better.


What is happening to me?

I have so many emotions running through my mind at the moment that I feel like I am drowning in them. I am nervous. I am excited. I am scared, yet I am feeling fearless, like I can conquer the world. I am lonely, yet I know that I am well loved by those that mean something to me. What the hell is going on?

This last year has been the hardest year for me in a very long time. I have faced fears that I never knew even existed, I have tried to retrieve my heart from the dumpster we call "love", not once, but twice, and I have to decided to leave everything that is familiar to me behind and try my hand at a new country, new language and potentially a new life. What a difference just one year can make, huh? Change.

The path of life has been a complex one for most people I think, but I also believe that we try to over complicate and over compensate when it really is not needed. Take for example right now, it's 1am in Sydney and here I am, over complicating something that should be just so easy. After all, I have made the decisions to do these things, so why I am fearful of the changes I have sought out? Is a certain amount of fear healthy? If I wasn't fearful, I guess that would make me arrogant, and some may even say entitled. I am neither of those things.

Conversations that I have had with family, friends and within my own mind, have been many of late, mainly to do with the changes that seem to be surrounding everyone and everything at the moment, a word that so often scares people senseless, change. I have seen the strongest people I know cry for fear of letting someone they love, know just that, that they love them and I have listened to the heartbreak of a friend as she confided in the silent loss of her unborn child. I have watched my own Mother cry for a brother that wants to nothing to do with her or her family, instead wants to be left alone to die in his own unspoken pain. But it was just today that I heard of someone I have grown so fond of over the last few months, tell me that one of his friends was killed in the line of fire, a job that he too shares. I didn't know what to say, my heart ached for him and for this young man's family and friends. I can't begin to even imagine what this change has brought about.

Change is fast, it is real and can happen right before our very eyes with no way of really stopping it. Embracing it is the only thing we can really do, the good and bad, we owe it to ourselves after all. I recently said "without all the pain in life, the changes, the ups and downs, I would never know what real love feels like if I had not gone through this. Almost as if it is a test of strength, a test to see and understand what it all really means." Change is good and welcomed by me with open arms. If I didn't welcome it after all, I would have no way of knowing what lies ahead of me.

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.” 
― Paulo CoelhoThe Devil and Miss Prym

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Blessed.



It’s funny, you know. The fact that I get so worried when I don’t hear from you for a day, when in reality it was only a few months ago that I never heard from you at all, for no other reason than the reality that our paths hadn't crossed yet. How quickly things change, in particular the passages of meeting for the first time, to a new and uncertain friendship, and now a longing to be in the presence of you for as much time as I can or as long as I am allowed. The desire to just “know you” gets stronger and stronger with every sunset I witness as yet another day draws to a close, and then a mere few hours later I'm one step closer with every new sunrise that sees my eyes open with joy and gratitude for the day that lies ahead of me, knowing that on the other side of the world you have me in your thoughts.

I hear friends and people in movies saying “you have changed me for the better”, a statement that I have never truly understood or really felt the need to tell someone. Sure, I have learnt many lessons from family, friends and lovers over the years, but could I say they have changed me? I guess through them I have learnt things that have challenged my thoughts and even allowed me to do things better, but I am not entirely sure I have been “changed”. You on the other hand, you have opened my eyes to something, something bigger than I could have ever imagined. You are a person with no masks, no agendas and a heart that appears to be as pure as the driven snow that sits atop the highest mountain.

Blessed is something I hear you say so often, that and your connection with your spirituality, your respect to God and your family, all these things remind me that we are a part of a much bigger picture, a picture that recognizes not only you and I, but billions of people around the world. The only other person that I know of who would refer to blessings, was my Grandfather, a man who, like you, had a great love and connection with God, his family, friends and the wider community. His kindness and love were unparalleled to anyone I had ever met, that was until you appeared in my life.

If I was to be asked what I wished for the most in the future, I would answer that I wish everyone in the world was able to share this feeling that has been placed in my heart, a feeling that only you were able to do, the feeling of serenity and happiness, security and peace. Whether it be subconsciously or consciously, you have made me smile from the very depths of my heart all the way to the broad smile that adorns my face every day.

“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.”
Robert A. Heinlein


Sunday, November 10, 2013

Fear(s).



I Fear,

A life without love.

Running out of time.

Incompetence.

Poor health.

Weight.

Passion.

Loneliness.

Money.

Success.

Laziness.

Myself.


Friday, November 8, 2013

A thousand words in one picture.



Sometimes I find myself just staring at your pictures, scanning each picture for something new every time I go back to them. Looking for that different mark I didn’t spot last time, that slight change to your smile I never noticed or a new shade of colour in your eyes that makes my heart stop.

Today I started looking at them again, one of them, one where you are glancing over your shoulder, your eyes a piercing green, a little smirk on your face with your soft curls surrounding your face, completely stopped me dead in my tracks. I got lost in the moment, trying to imagine the very point at which this picture was taken and how someone so beautiful, can be so natural at the same time with everything wonderful about you being captured in that split second. A moment in time captured, I guess.
The stresses of my day are softened these days, softened with the ability I have to turn to pictures that allow me to dream, to get lost in a moment in time that belongs to you, but may also belong to us in the future. Pictures that allow me a glimpse into your life, past and present, to have watched you grow through the years, even though we have never met. The modern day has its many benefits and luxuries, this being one of them.
I love capturing moments in time, I love secretly holding my camera or phone and capturing my family and friends speak about life, love and all it’s up and downs, many times with them being none the wiser to my constant snapping, with the outcome being beauty captured in its most natural form. I want to capture you. I want to take your picture when you don’t know it or least expect it, to keep it in a special place that when we are not together and I am feeling alone or lost, I can pull it out and get lost in all its beauty. To feel secure that not just I, but we captured a moment in time together, one that will never ever be replicated again.
The future is bright...

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Heart. Broken.

Only YOU can fix it.
I came across this little piece I wrote over a year ago after the breakdown of my relationship. I wanted to post it as an ode to how therapeutic writing can be and that like all things, time heals all wounds...
There really is nothing that one can say to you when someone tells you that they don’t love you anymore. Nothing.
You sit there shifting from tears and blubbering mess to questioning yourself with what “you” did wrong. All the while being told “it’s not you, it’s me”, by the person that you love. The very person that you have trusted with the most vulnerable of things, your heart. You tell those that you love and trust and they constantly remind you of a relationship they had that ended in a “similar” way, letting you know that “it does get better”. Meh. What gets better is what I would like to know? The hurt? The broken heart or the fact that your trust has been broken in the most awful of ways. I would like to know the answer. Please.
I guess that there is no answer. If there was, no one would be upset, deceitful, lie or ever hurt again. What a world that would be, honesty and love with no hurt. I wish I lived in that place right now. I have only experienced pain like this once before in my life and that was the morning I found my previous partner dead, hung over the toilet. I think in the last 24 hours I have cried so much that I have burst little blood vessels all around my eyes. Great, as if I am not already feeling ├╝ber confident at the moment with everything else, I now look like I have contracted some jungle virus!
I feel sick, really sick. I have a headache and my eyes are stinging, the kind of stinging that you get from swimming in salt water without goggles. I know that the physical aspects will all subside in time, they always do. Humans are good like that. It’s the heart that is broken. The heart, the memories and the love that I don’t think I will ever be able to get over. I did it once, it took a while but I had no choice but to “get over it”, he died. This is a bit different. I am not loved “like that” anymore. I don’t have a choice this time.
My friends, what do I tell them? My family, his family, his friends, what the hell do I say? We all make mistakes, we all do things that we regret, or maybe we don’t regret. Who knows? I think it’s easier for the other person, they have already decided on what they will do, whether it is in their mind or by their actions, or in some cases, both. What the hell do I say?
I am lost, more lost than I have ever been in my life and scared, boy am I scared. I am trying to work out what is scaring me so much and I just can’t find the answer. Maybe I have been to dependant, I never used to be. Maybe it is the fear of being out there, alone, facing things without my best friend by my side, my best friend who has picked me up when I have fallen, picked me up so many times over the last nine and a half years that I just don’t know what I will do without him. Oh shit, here come those fucking tears again! Damn they sting. I know I don’t have a say in this, that is one of the hardest things for me, I just don’t have a say this time.
It’s good to write or talk things out, isn’t it? He is such a good person and I have been so lucky to have had him in my life. The luckiest person in this world actually. It’s kind of selfish of me to think that only I should experience this, maybe that old adage really is true:
If you love something, Set it free… If it comes back, it’s yours, If it doesn’t, it was never truly yours to begin with….

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

I wonder...




I wonder,

Will you find me when I am lost?

I wonder,

Will you still love me when I am old and time has weathered my face and body?

I wonder,

Will you stand by me when I am at my lowest point, and applaud me when I am at my highest?

I wonder,

Will you always walk by my side and never in my shadow?

I wonder,

Will you educate me when I am complacent and ignorant?

I wonder,

Will you laugh at me when I am silly, and always with me when we are happy?

I wonder,

Will you kiss me as I take my last breath, the way you did when we had our first?

I wonder,

Will you let me hold you when you need it the most?

I wonder,

Will you let me love you, when even you think you don't need it?

I wonder,

Will you let me read this to you when we are old, to remember a life shared?

I wonder,

If you feel the same...


Saturday, October 12, 2013

A house is not always your home...



Something strange just happened to me. Something that I have not felt in over a decade.

I walked through the front of "my" house and stopped. I heard the door slam behind me. I felt almost frozen like, as if time had just halted. I looked around the room in front of me, a surge of memories came flooding back, pounding my brain with all their intensity. I gulped for air as the feeling was causing me some sort of anxiety. I closed my eyes, I knew this would all be over if I just closed my eyes and calmed down. "Relax Matthew" I keep saying out loud, like some sort of Buddhist mantra.

My breaths slowed down, I gently opened my eyes. The room was exactly the same as when I had closed them, but I was not. I had realised something through that brief moment of craziness. This was no longer my home. Sure, most of the things, the ornaments and nick knacks belong to me, but the place, the memories, they were no longer mine.

I sat down. It has been just over a year since we broke up, how the time flies. I knew we would not get back together, the damage was done. But for some strange reason a part of me, a rather big part of me thought that things would always be the same. You know, we would always have each other to fall back on, grow old together, like friends, friends that used to be so in love. But it can't. Something has changed and drastically. I am different now, this does not feel like me, my home, my castle. I feel like I am a guest, a guest that maybe over staying his visit somewhat. I need to move on.

Our house, the one that we used to share is now just a distant memory. The journey to find my new home and create new memories begins now...

Me.

Just, me.

Many have told me that I need to be...

Cooler.
Hotter.
Younger.
Older.
Tougher.
Softer.
Passionate.
Sexier.
Slimmer.
Musclier.
Smarter.
Funnier.
Quieter.
Focused.
Relaxed.
Happier.
Sadder.

Luckily for them, I know just what I need to be...

Me.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Alone.

Sunrise over Shellharbour, 2009.

It's late, I can't sleep so what do I do? Look at photos of memories, both near and far. Not the best thing to do when some of those memories caused pain, or maybe it is. Sometimes it is those painful memories that remind us of what we have to be grateful for and not to ever make those same mistakes again.

I start with the pictures of a country I flew to on a last minute whim earlier this year. A trip that saw me being led by my heart over my head, something everyone told me to be mindful of. I wasn't mindful, nor did I really listen, rather I fell in head first to a romantic notion of some kind of tropical love affair. It was heavenly.

Don't get me wrong, I would do it all again in a heart beat, but I would go in slightly more guarded of my most valuable and vulnerable asset, my heart. I would never blame anyone or anything for this crazy notion of love other than myself, but people are not always what they seem. Or again, maybe they are but we just get so blinded by everything that we fail to see what is really standing in front of us. In my case, I failed miserably.

Many months later and I have made a number of new acquaintances from this very country, some amazing and some, well lets just say we no longer speak. I also find myself yet again discussing love, music and life with these people that I have never met, a concept that seems strange when we live on opposite sides of the world. I guess that is the power of technology and social media, the ability to connect.

One such person melts any icey barriers that I have managed to erect around my heart, in the hope that it will never be hurt again. He writes with passion and compassion, love and laughter, and the depth of his words and sentences jump at me from my screen to engulf me, leaving me yearning for the next paragraph. I am hooked. The adrenalin that rushes through my veins when I see him online is unlike anything I have felt for a long time.

But I stop myself. How many times can your heart take the pain of it potentially being broken again? Once? twice? or maybe it just never truly heals. I remember what I had written down on a piece of paper after my first partner passed away, "without the suffering and pain, I would never be able to understand the true meaning or feeling of what love is". Rather masochistic I know, but also very truthful.

The crossroads have arrived. I am staring them down head on and ready to charge. Which path do I take? Will it be the right one? What happens if I fuck up? Again? As I verbalise this out loud, a gentle answer sweeps through my head. "Follow your heart". Why? It has caused me nothing but pain in the past, but then I remember what I had written down all those years ago. Maybe now is my time, maybe I have culled all the suffering and pain away, maybe I am ready to receive and understand just what love is all about. Maybe the love is not about me and another, maybe it is about just me, learning to love me first. Finding out what makes me happy, what will bring about my smile again, a smile like my emerald eyed friend with whom when ever I see it, I lose myself in its beauty.

What I do know though, is at this time I am alone and I am cool with that. It has been a long time, but I am slowly making my way back to me...

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Selfie Love or Selfie Loathe?

Selfies, everyone's doing them - even the dead.

So, I have been pondering the great question of the last year, "How many selfies is too much?".

I have been prone to a selfie or ten at intermittent times over the last year or so and find myself now looking at other peoples profiles on Instagram, Facebook and Tumblr wondering when it does become to much and what are the reasons we feel the need to catch every moment that you are lying down on a bed face up, looking like Jocelyn Wildenstein, pulling a face with your tongue out or trying to re enact a scene from some soft core porn magazine, again on your bed or the loungeroom floor, which ever is cleaner at the time of the "Shoot".

Is it insecurity? Maybe it is genuine self love and the need to share these images with all two thousand + followers (80% of whom appear to be spam with names like Brandi Cox and Fila Meup - actual followers of mine, I kid you not), or maybe it is something far more simple, boredom.

With the recent addition of 15 second videos to Instagram, I have been besieged with videos of people smiling like zombies for the entire 15 seconds, asking questions like "who was your favourite character on Roseanne ?" (or any any other show that finished pre 2000) and my personal favourite, people working out in the gym - AKA "Healthies". Like I don't already feel like shit for not remembering who my favourite character was on Roseanne or not having gone to the gym for months, now I have to face this in 2D!

For me, the selfie has died. I am no longer going to post random images of myself trying to entice people with my food shots, nor am I going to take pics of me having "just woken up". I will leave this sort of thing up to my 20 something counterparts, the ones who seem to live behind their computer and in front of the camera's lens. It's going to be Ol school for me from now, meeting people in the flesh, working out how I can get out of this "uncomfortable date" or maybe, just maybe, actually enjoying the face to face contact us "pre social media" kids were so fond of a few years back. 

Yep, I LIKE this one - Pun completely intended.

Friday, September 20, 2013

The road is long...

The future is bright.

I can see the bitumen road, but I am on a dirt track, lots of stones that don't allow me to walk properly, my feet keep ever so slightly twisting. It's annoying and difficult to run on, but with patience, I will reach the road and continue my journey...

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

That four letter word...

If only it was as easy as hitting the "love" key.

Love. I often wonder what it is that has the majority of the human race on a never ending search for this four letter word that seems so elusive and for many, so unattainable. Well, elusive in the beginning, then after a few years of love, most seem to be running away from the very thing they had been chasing for so long. Strange, huh?

I have found myself yet again, at a crossroads as to what and how I feel about love. I mean I couldn't have asked for better role models than my Grandparents, married for some forty years, but then on the flip side, it went pear shaped with my own parents, whom I think lasted maybe five years all up. Got to give it a good Aussie go I say! Or not.

Sure, people break up all the time, that is the easy part I have come to realise, but actually getting someone to commit is the hard part. Who am I kidding, getting someone to do something other than fucking your brains out, or something that requires you to both leave the confines of your bedroom together, now that is the hard task these days. Boo, fucking hoo I hear you say about getting "some", well sometimes, just every now and again, it would be nice to have a conversation clothed and devoid of things like, "Deeper", "Harder" or "Slap it!". I digress.

So why then, am I confronted with a group of single (gay and straight), amazing friends that seem to be forever single or have trouble staying with someone longer than a hot new york minute? I will tell you why, fear. That's right, another dirty four lettered f word, F.E.A.R.

All I ever hear from people dating is what they want, someone real, someone who will make them laugh, a good lover, someone independent, someone financial, well hung, tight as a clam out of water, oh my god!! Shut the fuck up, please! What they REALLY need is someone to give them a god damn reality check. The minute you are "real" or "honest", many, if not most people run for the hills screaming. Seriously.

This love revelation has lead me to believe that a) there are not that many fish in the sea (cause if there were, I would be the stream and all those Salmon would be swimming against the tide to be in me - no pun intended) and b) learning to love yourself is the best revenge you can give yourself. That, and the fact that there is only so much "crazy" a relatively sane person should have to deal with in their life. Lord knows I have more than had my fair share of crazy and I am done with my community service for the mentally unstable boyfriend seeker(s) that seem to be so prevalent these days.

I found a quote that sums up exactly how I feel about love these days and what it should always mean, "Our first and last love is.... self love. Always." And I thought loving someone else was the easy part, how wrong I was...

Friday, May 31, 2013

Deleted.


I must have been born in the wrong era.

I don't understand how someone can just wipe their life clean of any memories that were shared with someone, someone you said you loved. People hurt, for sure, I feel this everyday at the moment, but to just remove any shred of wonderful times shared... why?

Have I been so awful that seeing me angers or pains you? Did I do something to you that makes you want to forget my very existence? What? I just wish people talked more and not ran away at the slightest hiccup or bit of fear. Not everyone will treat you bad, not everyone has a hidden agenda and some people will love you unconditionally.

One day you will wake up and see that this was real. That I would never hurt you and yes, I have flaws like everyone else, but you learn to love those flaws just as I would yours.

Loving yourself does not mean not allowing others to love you or be loved, it means thinking of number one but also remembering that a life shared with someone special can make things so much better, that there is someone by your side who will always have your back no matter what. That when you get to be old you can hopefully look back on a wonderful life, a wonderful life shared.

I hope that our paths will cross again one day. I have been so fortunate to have known such a lovely person who showed me a beautiful country full of wonderful memories, with beautiful friends and family. It just breaks my heart that things ended so abruptly and that I don't even get the chance to talk with you, to make sure you are ok, for you to know that I still care and will always care about you.

 Maybe one of these days you will find me again, see me for who I truly am and who knows? But this is a path you need to walk and even though you don't see me, I will always be by your side...

Friday, May 17, 2013

In Love & Lost.



I really wasn't expecting this, you know, the love thing. Well, not so soon after I had been dumped.

I had been in a relationship for nearly ten years, I mean who would think they would even want to look at another person let alone think about falling in love again. There I go again with that bloody word again, that word that everyone seems to get their knickers in a knot over, love. That's right, I said it. Love. Well I did and now I seem to be lost in the damn thing. I need to point out that I have NEVER been the "lovey dovey" type either. Really.

It all began via a picture. No really, it did. Mind you the picture was of a massive blister on my toe from a night out dancing, I think it was after new years eve. I'm not sure. Either way, the picture was NOT my best shot, kind of disgusting actually, but it attracted the attention of a lovely man. That's right, it all started over a blister on Instagram! How very modern romance of me.

The chats via the tiny box at the bottom of a picture quickly turned into chats via Face book and then into video chats. Before long, I found myself longing to get home from work and open my laptop to see if "he" was online. He always was. It was beautiful. As weird as that sounds, we always had something to chat over, pick a topic and we could discuss it. I would force myself to stay awake just so I could hear his voice. Then, I would do it all over again before work. Intense? Yeah, it was.

I found myself thinking about this man all day long. What was he doing now? Who was he hanging with? What is his country like? What is HE like? It never really entered my mind to jump on a plane and visit him. Well, it kind of did, but that would just be crazy, right?

I did it. Jumped on that plane.

I was so nervous as the plane touched down. So fucking nervous. But something inside me knew that this was the craziest and most ridiculous thing I had ever done, yet I never felt more right about what I was doing. Weird, huh?

A few weeks were spent laughing, eating, seeing, listening and walking all over one of the most beautiful cities I had ever been too. I had grown so fond of this man, so much so that I found myself falling madly in love. I guess I fell in love with him before I even got there, but being in front of his face most days for some three weeks, just confirmed what I had felt for some time now.

Before we knew it, the time had to come to part ways. I found myself crying beyond belief, my heart feeling like it had been ripped out of my chest and I am guessing that he was feeling the same way too. Now, having been back home for a few weeks, I find myself again longing for this man that I have grown so fond of.

I know that I am that guy that says "I love you" and "I miss you" and yes, it comes 100% from the deepest part of my heart. I know that some people find it hard to hear this based on their own personal experiences and ability to let someone "in". But you know what? As much as I try and change who I am, I can't and I don't want to. It is this very trait about myself, the fabric of who I am, that I see is lacking in so many people who walk this planet. I guess you do have to be mindful of what the other person is feeling and take that into account, but at the end of the day it comes down to a pretty simple thing, the fact that I LOVE YOU.

I promise I will not say it everyday, hell, I won't even say it every month, because yes you are right, you should be able to feel it. But when I do decide to say it again in the future, I hope that you receive it with an open heart. I never thought that I would find myself in this position again, but I have. One day I hope that I see your face again and you feel the same way as you did when I walked out of customs all those weeks ago.

I wake up everyday with the memory of the first thing you said to me when you saw me at the airport: "You are so fucking beautiful". No one has ever said this to me.

Thank you, you have changed my life for the better...