Friday, May 31, 2013
I don't understand how someone can just wipe their life clean of any memories that were shared with someone, someone you said you loved. People hurt, for sure, I feel this everyday at the moment, but to just remove any shred of wonderful times shared... why?
Have I been so awful that seeing me angers or pains you? Did I do something to you that makes you want to forget my very existence? What? I just wish people talked more and not ran away at the slightest hiccup or bit of fear. Not everyone will treat you bad, not everyone has a hidden agenda and some people will love you unconditionally.
One day you will wake up and see that this was real. That I would never hurt you and yes, I have flaws like everyone else, but you learn to love those flaws just as I would yours.
Loving yourself does not mean not allowing others to love you or be loved, it means thinking of number one but also remembering that a life shared with someone special can make things so much better, that there is someone by your side who will always have your back no matter what. That when you get to be old you can hopefully look back on a wonderful life, a wonderful life shared.
I hope that our paths will cross again one day. I have been so fortunate to have known such a lovely person who showed me a beautiful country full of wonderful memories, with beautiful friends and family. It just breaks my heart that things ended so abruptly and that I don't even get the chance to talk with you, to make sure you are ok, for you to know that I still care and will always care about you.
Maybe one of these days you will find me again, see me for who I truly am and who knows? But this is a path you need to walk and even though you don't see me, I will always be by your side...
Friday, May 17, 2013
I really wasn't expecting this, you know, the love thing. Well, not so soon after I had been dumped.
I had been in a relationship for nearly ten years, I mean who would think they would even want to look at another person let alone think about falling in love again. There I go again with that bloody word again, that word that everyone seems to get their knickers in a knot over, love. That's right, I said it. Love. Well I did and now I seem to be lost in the damn thing. I need to point out that I have NEVER been the "lovey dovey" type either. Really.
It all began via a picture. No really, it did. Mind you the picture was of a massive blister on my toe from a night out dancing, I think it was after new years eve. I'm not sure. Either way, the picture was NOT my best shot, kind of disgusting actually, but it attracted the attention of a lovely man. That's right, it all started over a blister on Instagram! How very modern romance of me.
The chats via the tiny box at the bottom of a picture quickly turned into chats via Face book and then into video chats. Before long, I found myself longing to get home from work and open my laptop to see if "he" was online. He always was. It was beautiful. As weird as that sounds, we always had something to chat over, pick a topic and we could discuss it. I would force myself to stay awake just so I could hear his voice. Then, I would do it all over again before work. Intense? Yeah, it was.
I found myself thinking about this man all day long. What was he doing now? Who was he hanging with? What is his country like? What is HE like? It never really entered my mind to jump on a plane and visit him. Well, it kind of did, but that would just be crazy, right?
I did it. Jumped on that plane.
I was so nervous as the plane touched down. So fucking nervous. But something inside me knew that this was the craziest and most ridiculous thing I had ever done, yet I never felt more right about what I was doing. Weird, huh?
A few weeks were spent laughing, eating, seeing, listening and walking all over one of the most beautiful cities I had ever been too. I had grown so fond of this man, so much so that I found myself falling madly in love. I guess I fell in love with him before I even got there, but being in front of his face most days for some three weeks, just confirmed what I had felt for some time now.
Before we knew it, the time had to come to part ways. I found myself crying beyond belief, my heart feeling like it had been ripped out of my chest and I am guessing that he was feeling the same way too. Now, having been back home for a few weeks, I find myself again longing for this man that I have grown so fond of.
I know that I am that guy that says "I love you" and "I miss you" and yes, it comes 100% from the deepest part of my heart. I know that some people find it hard to hear this based on their own personal experiences and ability to let someone "in". But you know what? As much as I try and change who I am, I can't and I don't want to. It is this very trait about myself, the fabric of who I am, that I see is lacking in so many people who walk this planet. I guess you do have to be mindful of what the other person is feeling and take that into account, but at the end of the day it comes down to a pretty simple thing, the fact that I LOVE YOU.
I promise I will not say it everyday, hell, I won't even say it every month, because yes you are right, you should be able to feel it. But when I do decide to say it again in the future, I hope that you receive it with an open heart. I never thought that I would find myself in this position again, but I have. One day I hope that I see your face again and you feel the same way as you did when I walked out of customs all those weeks ago.
I wake up everyday with the memory of the first thing you said to me when you saw me at the airport: "You are so fucking beautiful". No one has ever said this to me.
Thank you, you have changed my life for the better...