Sunday, March 23, 2014
I am so confused at this moment in time. I don't get this place a lot of the times, a lot of people here seem to want to create drama out of nothing and for what reason I really don't know. Maybe boredom? Maybe its cultural, I don't know. Maybe it's just good old fashioned insecurity.
At the best of times, no matter the language, difference in culture or people, it can be hard to make friends, this is a given in 2014. So when two friends messaged me today to say they have deleted me because their partners were jealous of our friendship(s), I was shocked. Actually I am kind of saddened by this. I have not done anything to warrant their insecurities, yet am being punished by the loss of friendship.
I find it strange that many have told me I am "insecure" or that "I need to love myself more" amongst other things, yet for me, allowing a partner to do his or her own thing, to have their own friends, is not something that should warrant distrust, insecurity or even anger. We are not their parents after all, we are their partners, we are supposed to stand by their side, encourage them to flourish and grow, and yes, trust them wholeheartedly. And this is coming from someone that has been cheated on more times than I really care to remember or acknowledge.
I refuse to bow down to this kind of behaviour as it does not make for a healthy relationship in any context and I have come to realise that it is not I that is any more insecure than the next person, but in fact I am much more secure in myself when it comes to relationships, love and life than most. Trust and love are the two greatest gifts I can give anyone of you whom I love, and I do this with open arms and a honest heart.
"To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved."
I never thought I would feel this way. Alone. No, lonely. Contrary to what people may think of me, I actually really do enjoy my own company, just not all the time. Friends to hang with and talk is something that I think I really took for granted back home, especially as I am so far from those who know and love me the most.
This country is an amazing place, really amazing. I'm in Brazil after all, and I don't take that for granted ever. But, yes there is a but, it is also a very difficult place to live. The language, culture(s), day to day living and ability to make new friends. Don't get me wrong, I haven't entirely lost my ability to make friends, but this language thing is really proving to be a major blockade for me. Again, the simplicity of being able to express myself or articulate almost anything is something that I have really taken for granted.
I look Brazilian. I get told this everyday and whilst it is probably the most flattering thing I have ever been told in my whole life, it can also pose some problems when you can't speak the language. I use my usual phrase of "Sorry, I only speak a little Portuguese", which is more often than not met with quizzical expressions and sometimes a blatant "huff". I get nervous and fumble my words. I must end up coming across rude as I hate to not be able to communicate, let alone looking like a fool, but this language, Portuguese, can be ever so hard to learn.
I miss catching the train and bus, really I do. My fears have crossed over into public transportation and it is not only upsetting but also becoming exceptionally costly (think taxi's), especially when you do not have a job. Sigh. I wish it would all just click and I could breeze into a metro station and know and understand where it was I am going. But then that would defeat the purpose of this whole trip right? I came here to challenge myself, leave the past behind and create a new future. I guess I really wasn't expecting things to be so hard. Foolish maybe, unrealistic, a lot.
The inability to commit to a time or prearranged date is also something I am not used to here. When say not used to, I mean Brazilians more often than not see no problem with not keeping to the original plan to meet, sometimes even cancelling on me when I was at the place waiting. This behaviour, although not meant with any ill intent, more so an overly relaxed approach to life, can sometimes lead to that feeling of being alone, unimportant even. People have their lives, loves and families which I totally understand, I guess that's just it, I don't have any of those here. They will come one day, hopefully.
It's Sunday afternoon and I think I will go for a walk. I love walking here, so many people, so much colour and vibrancy every where I turn. People laughing together, holding hands, eating, families discussing things, I guess in my own little way I can live through these people, observe them and be grateful that they have found happiness and love. I guess being alone is not such a bad thing after all. Actually I just realised something, I am not lonely, I am just alone, for the time being anyway.
There is a big difference.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
As palavras são coisas incríveis . Um grupo de letras que quando falado, escrito ou assinado , pode ter significados tão poderosos , boas e más . Às vezes, eles são tão incríveis que não podemos abandoná-las , revisitando -os uma e outra vez à procura de maneiras novas e belas para amar todos e de cada um deles. Mas, infelizmente, o mesmo pode ser dito para o negativo. Eles podem cortar tão profunda que nós mais uma vez, manter revisitando -os uma e outra vez , agarrando-se às coisas que podem nunca ter sido destinado , interpretar as coisas à nossa maneira e até mesmo , às vezes, terminando com conseqüências fatais.
Ultimamente tem havido algumas pessoas que dizem que as minhas palavras são tingidas com tristeza ou desespero. Eu sou um escritor , eu acho que vem com o território, que coisa sobre sofrimento etc eu prefiro não usar a palavra "sofrer" como eu não sou uma vítima , e eu sou um cidadão do mundo que pode ver as coisas um pouco diferente para você, talvez com um toque mais sensibilidade para o que está acontecendo em volta de mim , você, nós, do mundo.
Hoje foi-me dito por um amigo que ela podia ver um menino em mim. Alguém com tanto amor , tanta compaixão pelos outros , mas alguém que precisava ser bem tratados. Hmmm . Bem tratados. A viagem que eu me coloco no recentemente mostrou-me de tantas maneiras que este tratamento deve começar comigo. Algo que eu posso dizer verdadeiramente começou. Finalmente . Ela também mencionou algo que eu achei fascinante, " Para fazer o seu início semente profunda para vir como você realmente é, não do jeito que o mundo fez" . Intense . Mais uma vez, as suas essas palavras , todos eles juntos formando uma frase poderosa que simplesmente não podem ser ignorados.
Talvez eu tenha estado a olhar para as coisas de uma forma dimensional um para a longa . Eu sempre me orgulhei de não ser assim, mas às vezes é preciso parar e perceber que nós realmente não tenho visto coisas do jeito que precisa ser visto, através de nossos olhos e não o resto dos mundos. Palavras como espírito livre , esclarecida e elevada são algo que nós associamos com uma conotação religiosa , mas na realidade, eles são todas as coisas que nós nos esforçamos para , precisa ou mesmo anseiam , não importa o que o nosso sistema (s) crença é.
Para alguns a viagem é curta, maneira de curta duração. Para outros, pode parecer um mar sem fim de emoções , luta e muitas vezes, dor no coração , juntamente com o mal-entendido as palavras que lhes são dadas . Hoje é um novo dia, um dia para ouvir ou olhar para aquelas palavras que são faladas , escritas ou assinadas e entender exatamente o que eles querem dizer ea intenção que se passa com eles. Para olhar através de seus olhos e não o que foi condicionado em sua cabeça, a ouvir com os ouvidos e não levar em conta os murmúrios suaves de outros ao seu redor , e se você tiver a capacidade , para tocar essas palavras com as mãos e senti-los em apenas uma maneira que você pode. Afinal , as palavras são apenas um grupo de letras agrupado para nos comunicar de alguma forma . O que fazemos com essas palavras é inteiramente até nós.
Words are amazing things. A group of letters that when spoken, written or signed, can have such powerful meanings, both good and bad. Sometimes they are so amazing that we can't let go of them, revisiting them over and over again looking for new and beautiful ways to love each and every one of them. But sadly, the same can be said for the negative. They can cut so deep that we again, keep revisiting them over and over again, holding onto to things that may never have been meant, interpreting things in our own way and even sometimes, ending with fatal consequences.
Of late there have been a few people that say my words are tinged with sadness or despair. I am a writer, I guess that comes with the territory, that thing about sufferance etc. I prefer to not use the word "suffer" as I am not a victim, rather I am a citizen of the world that may see things a little different to you, maybe with a touch more sensitivity to what is going on around me, you, us, the world.
Today I was told by a friend that she could see a boy in me. Someone with so much love, so much compassion for others, but someone that needed to be treated well. Hmmm. Treated well. The journey I have put myself on recently has shown me in so many ways that this treatment must begin with me. Something that I can truly say has commenced. Finally. She also mentioned something that I found fascinating, "To make your deep seed start to come as you really are, not the way the world made you". Intense. Again, its those words, all of them together forming a powerful sentence that just can not be ignored.
Maybe I have been looking at things in a one dimensional way for to long. I always prided myself on not being this way, but sometimes we need to stop and realise that we really have not been seeing things the way they need to be seen, through our eyes and not the rest of the worlds. Words like free spirited, enlightened and heightened are something we associate with a religious connotation, yet in reality, they are all things they we strive for, need or even yearn, no matter what our belief system(s) are.
For some the journey is short, way to short. For others, it can seem like a never ending sea of emotions, struggle and many times, heart ache coupled with the misunderstanding of the words that are given to them. Today is a new day, a day to listen or look at those words that are spoken, written or signed and understand exactly what they mean and the intent that goes with them. To look through your eyes and not what has been conditioned in your head, to listen with your ears and not take on board the gentle whispers of others around you, and should you have the ability, to touch those words with your hands and feel them in only a way that you can. After all, words are just a group of letters bunched together for us to somehow communicate. What we do with those words is entirely up to us.