Tuesday, November 19, 2013
What is happening to me?
I have so many emotions running through my mind at the moment that I feel like I am drowning in them. I am nervous. I am excited. I am scared, yet I am feeling fearless, like I can conquer the world. I am lonely, yet I know that I am well loved by those that mean something to me. What the hell is going on?
This last year has been the hardest year for me in a very long time. I have faced fears that I never knew even existed, I have tried to retrieve my heart from the dumpster we call "love", not once, but twice, and I have to decided to leave everything that is familiar to me behind and try my hand at a new country, new language and potentially a new life. What a difference just one year can make, huh? Change.
The path of life has been a complex one for most people I think, but I also believe that we try to over complicate and over compensate when it really is not needed. Take for example right now, it's 1am in Sydney and here I am, over complicating something that should be just so easy. After all, I have made the decisions to do these things, so why I am fearful of the changes I have sought out? Is a certain amount of fear healthy? If I wasn't fearful, I guess that would make me arrogant, and some may even say entitled. I am neither of those things.
Conversations that I have had with family, friends and within my own mind, have been many of late, mainly to do with the changes that seem to be surrounding everyone and everything at the moment, a word that so often scares people senseless, change. I have seen the strongest people I know cry for fear of letting someone they love, know just that, that they love them and I have listened to the heartbreak of a friend as she confided in the silent loss of her unborn child. I have watched my own Mother cry for a brother that wants to nothing to do with her or her family, instead wants to be left alone to die in his own unspoken pain. But it was just today that I heard of someone I have grown so fond of over the last few months, tell me that one of his friends was killed in the line of fire, a job that he too shares. I didn't know what to say, my heart ached for him and for this young man's family and friends. I can't begin to even imagine what this change has brought about.
Change is fast, it is real and can happen right before our very eyes with no way of really stopping it. Embracing it is the only thing we can really do, the good and bad, we owe it to ourselves after all. I recently said "without all the pain in life, the changes, the ups and downs, I would never know what real love feels like if I had not gone through this. Almost as if it is a test of strength, a test to see and understand what it all really means." Change is good and welcomed by me with open arms. If I didn't welcome it after all, I would have no way of knowing what lies ahead of me.
“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.”
― Paulo Coelho, The Devil and Miss Prym
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
It’s funny, you know. The fact that I get so worried when I don’t hear from you for a day, when in reality it was only a few months ago that I never heard from you at all, for no other reason than the reality that our paths hadn't crossed yet. How quickly things change, in particular the passages of meeting for the first time, to a new and uncertain friendship, and now a longing to be in the presence of you for as much time as I can or as long as I am allowed. The desire to just “know you” gets stronger and stronger with every sunset I witness as yet another day draws to a close, and then a mere few hours later I'm one step closer with every new sunrise that sees my eyes open with joy and gratitude for the day that lies ahead of me, knowing that on the other side of the world you have me in your thoughts.
I hear friends and people in movies saying “you have changed me for the better”, a statement that I have never truly understood or really felt the need to tell someone. Sure, I have learnt many lessons from family, friends and lovers over the years, but could I say they have changed me? I guess through them I have learnt things that have challenged my thoughts and even allowed me to do things better, but I am not entirely sure I have been “changed”. You on the other hand, you have opened my eyes to something, something bigger than I could have ever imagined. You are a person with no masks, no agendas and a heart that appears to be as pure as the driven snow that sits atop the highest mountain.
Blessed is something I hear you say so often, that and your connection with your spirituality, your respect to God and your family, all these things remind me that we are a part of a much bigger picture, a picture that recognizes not only you and I, but billions of people around the world. The only other person that I know of who would refer to blessings, was my Grandfather, a man who, like you, had a great love and connection with God, his family, friends and the wider community. His kindness and love were unparalleled to anyone I had ever met, that was until you appeared in my life.
If I was to be asked what I wished for the most in the future, I would answer that I wish everyone in the world was able to share this feeling that has been placed in my heart, a feeling that only you were able to do, the feeling of serenity and happiness, security and peace. Whether it be subconsciously or consciously, you have made me smile from the very depths of my heart all the way to the broad smile that adorns my face every day.
“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.”
― Robert A. Heinlein
― Robert A. Heinlein
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Friday, November 8, 2013
Sometimes I find myself just staring at your pictures, scanning each picture for something new every time I go back to them. Looking for that different mark I didn’t spot last time, that slight change to your smile I never noticed or a new shade of colour in your eyes that makes my heart stop.
Today I started looking at them again, one of them, one where you are glancing over your shoulder, your eyes a piercing green, a little smirk on your face with your soft curls surrounding your face, completely stopped me dead in my tracks. I got lost in the moment, trying to imagine the very point at which this picture was taken and how someone so beautiful, can be so natural at the same time with everything wonderful about you being captured in that split second. A moment in time captured, I guess.
The stresses of my day are softened these days, softened with the ability I have to turn to pictures that allow me to dream, to get lost in a moment in time that belongs to you, but may also belong to us in the future. Pictures that allow me a glimpse into your life, past and present, to have watched you grow through the years, even though we have never met. The modern day has its many benefits and luxuries, this being one of them.
I love capturing moments in time, I love secretly holding my camera or phone and capturing my family and friends speak about life, love and all it’s up and downs, many times with them being none the wiser to my constant snapping, with the outcome being beauty captured in its most natural form. I want to capture you. I want to take your picture when you don’t know it or least expect it, to keep it in a special place that when we are not together and I am feeling alone or lost, I can pull it out and get lost in all its beauty. To feel secure that not just I, but we captured a moment in time together, one that will never ever be replicated again.
The future is bright...