Monday, February 17, 2014

A life lived or a life lost...

It really is just that.

A while ago, some big changes happened in my life, changes I did not see coming at all. They were processed, cried over and eventually dealt with. This is life.

After the healing had begun, I decided that I was going to live my life by the following motto, "Should I be blessed to live to a wise old age, what will I be able to ask myself on reflection of this life? Did I live the life I wanted? Did I chase my dreams, love the one I love with every ounce of my heart and try to bring as much joy to those around me, friends and strangers alike. Or, will I sit in my chair and wish I had done all of those things, but never found the courage to do them, rather looking at ways and excuses to have prevented myself from being happy?

I know there are some that think I am crazy, and yes I am to a degree, brilliantly crazy in my love for life, people and everything else that flows between. I would not change one thing in my life to date though, can you believe it? That includes the heartache, the joy, the loss, the pain, the laughter and of course the tears, man have there been so many of those.

I have finally come to realise that it is all those things that have allowed me to arrive at this place, a place of new beginnings, a new love, new friends and new challenges. A place that I would not have been ready to receive and understand if not for those very steps I needed to take, good, bad and indifferent.

As for that question I posed to myself above, you already know that I will have many, many stories to tell in my old age. Now, what about you, what path will you choose to take? The choice is completely up to you, but don't deny yourself the right to live, love and laugh, it's just not fair...

#LiveYourLife #LoveWithAllYourHeart #HaveNoFear #OpenYourHeartAndYouWillReceive #Happiness #FelicidadeMeDefine #Truth

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Don't be THAT guy.

I'm just not THAT guy.

You know, the one who picks a fight with people for no apparent reason, angry, yet not sure as to why, but feeling the need to prove something to all those around him. Testosterone out of control bringing about aggression, inferiority and fear, all eagerly waiting to rear their ugly heads.

I'm just not THAT guy.

The guy that tells you he loves you then cheats at any given chance, all the while searching for any excuse as to why he did it, even blaming you. Telling you that you've changed, you nag to much, you didn't do enough. You, you, you. Nothing you do is right and that he just doesn't love you anymore, at all.

I'm just not THAT guy.

The one that swears at you, abuses you, belittles you and makes you feel so insignificant that you just want to curl up and die. Hits you, and threatens to, and then scares you at every chance just to make sure you are on edge at all times, dominating you, living in fear that at any given moment he will snap and this time, maybe this time it just might be the last straw.

I'm just not THAT guy.

The guy that promises the earth and delivers nothing, time after time, it didn't come through because of someone else, never looking at himself. Being unable to accept that he is flawed and that there is nothing wrong with that, it's normal, it's human, it's all of us.

I'm just not THAT guy.

The guy that won't love you till the ends of the earth, or step in front of a bullet for you or not be afraid to defend you when you need it in your darkest hour. To never push you when things just seem to hard or never congratulate you on the many achievements that will come your way in life. To never hold you, kiss you and touch you every day as if it was the very first time we met. To never smile or laugh or step out of his comfort zone for you, to never challenge his thoughts and ideas because they are yours, and to never love you in the way you want to be loved, honestly, respectfully and truthfully.

Now that right there, I'm well and truly just not THAT guy...

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Past, Present or Future?

The future. It provides hope, love and ultimately life.

Everyone has a past, or as people like to so often and cynically refer to it these days as, baggage. Most people are for the better part and somewhat in the present, and the future, well I am not so sure how many people actually look to the future anymore, which kind of scares and saddens me.

I was brought up mostly by my Grandparents who hailed from Europe and had lived, and I mean LIVED through the second world war. There were famines, holocausts, bombings, deaths, rapes, murders, you name it, two of the greatest, kindest and most loving people I know, experienced it all and well before they had even hit thirty years of age. Reality check right there in itself.

I listened to many stories, obviously heavily watered down for a child's ears, but there was always one resounding and underlying theme to each story. The hope for a better and brighter future. Sure, we discuss this all the time in the West, but these were stories of the extreme, where people were being forced into horrific and abnormal situations that tested the very core of what it meant to suffer and yet many times, had more hope and faith in their hearts than most I encounter today, most that seem to be devoid of any real major problems in comparison.

I am a massive believer in living in the now, there really is no other way, it is the present that allows us to create what we want for the future, but also keep a mindful eye on the past as to not repeat those things that did not enhance us or feed our souls in the right way. So then why is it so hard for me to accept others that seem to only live in the now? Like I said, I am here, doing my thing and ready and open to all the experiences and challenges life has to offer, why can't I just leave it at that? I even believe in the mantra "live each day as if it was your last". I will tell you why.

Being hurt by others, especially where matters of the heart are concerned is something that we are all to familiar with at some point(s) in our lives. We for the better part, pick ourselves up, dust off the pain and get on with living in the present, all the while hoping that the future will be better than it ever has been. Right? So then why do so many seem to think that you are to only live in the now and come across as being unable to commit to the future? Again, I have an idea.

I honestly believe that many of us grew up with the ideals of my Grandparents, yet somewhere and unfortunately, someone, really messed with our hearts, heads and ultimately distorting the way we see our futures. The amount of times recently I have heard the following statement "I used to believe in love, but my heart was beyond broken. Now I just believe in the moment, nothing more. Real love doesn't exist". Sad, huh? It also doesn't give much hope to people like me, who although I share the above cheating/lying/deceit histories, still believes in love. I still believe that we must acknowledge and learn from our pasts in order for us to succeed in the present. But we must also look to the future, where our dreams, hopes and aspirations lie, and YES, this can include someone special, someone that only comes along once, maybe twice in a lifetime. Someone that may just redefine that concept yet again, but this time for the better, ensuring you understand that the past is what brings us to the present, but the future is what keeps us going in the here and now.

The future is bright, very bright...

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Endings & New Beginnings...

The choice is not always yours, but ultimately which direction you will take is up to you...

I just received the news from a friend that she and her husband had called it quits after 17 years, two children and what seemed like a lifetime together. No real explanation given and all done via email. Been there and had that done to me.

It really saddened me, made me ask "why are people so quick to run away from things, especially matters of the heart?". Is it fear of loving someone so much that you inadvertently exit stage left with the notion of "at least I didn't get hurt first" or is just plain laziness, that in 2014 we no longer value the sanctity of marriage, relationships and respect for those around us we say "I love you too". I have a feeling its a little of all of the above.

I guess we have all been where this friend is at the moment at some time in our lives and it sucks, plain and simple. It can feel like someone has slowly cut your heart out and thrown it against the wall, the void is so large that you don't know if it will ever be filled again and if so, with what? Emptiness, sorrow, pity? No. Every wound heals, slowly but surely and although there will always be a scar, this is also a very beautiful and new part of you. It tells of a story that was once had, a great love that is now lost, memories of better days spent with that special person and now, sadly and finally put to rest.

I can not lie friend, there will be dark days, many in fact. Allow yourself the tears, speak your truth always and never ever stop loving yourself, this is the biggest mistake some of us make. You are a woman, mother, friend and daughter. Now, you must simply find you, revel in your strengths and develop your weaknesses, for you owe it to yourself to be eternally happy.

Smile my friend, we all have your back no matter how near or far we are...

Friday, February 7, 2014

Adjusting the compasses until we need just one, ours.

It's those eyes, that smile, I can't get them out of my head, I don't want to, but the thought of not seeing you for months is killing me. It hasn't even been twenty four hours and I feel lost without you.

I'm trying to be strong, I promised myself that I would never allow myself to feel this way again, vulnerable, scared and yet so in love. But I did. For me, it all happened the moment I opened that door, saw you standing there smiling that smile, laughing, eyes beaming. My heart melted, it was love at first sight.

You speak of adjusting our compasses, I can't seem to find my compass through all the tears. I'm not sad, I am just longing to be sitting in your presence, laughing, watching you smile, listening to you, hugging you. I haven't slept at all, I kept rolling over to see if you are there, if this is just a bad dream, that I will see your face. I can't find you. I need more time with you, a week just isn't long enough, yet it also seemed like a lifetime spent together, it was easy, you and me. What I wouldn't give to go back to that very moment I opened that door.

I'm lost. I need to find that compass, to make sure that we find each other again. I remember pinching myself when we were sitting in a cafe, asking you if this was real, you and me. You laughed, smiled and looked into my eyes and said "bobo". I'm pinching myself again, pinching myself to wake up from this dream, the one where we are not together, where I am longing to feel your hand in mine. This is what they call "Saudade" right? I don't like it. I want you next to me.

Happiness defines me, you write this all the time, I agree. Happiness from you now makes up a big part of what defines me, not because I am looking for an excuse to avoid doing the hard work, but because your happiness is genuine, real. It comes from a place deep within that I have never seen before in someone. Felicidade. That's what you bring to me, Felicidade.

Ah, there it is, my compass, it's set to you, ready to meet again, for the time that we will need just one compass, ours. Not long now...

Você é lindo, você é perfeito, você é o Pedro.

Felicidade or Happiness, its your choice.

Life, it's a funny old thing that we are all apart of in some way or another. I would never have imagined the week that was for me, the highs and lows, anticipation, joy, laughter, the formation of new friendships and the sights of a city that was as close to paradise as I think I have ever been. I also wasn't expecting to fall in love.

We are all damaged or scarred in some way or another, no matter how cool we think we are or how sound we are, there is some baggage stored away that only you will be able to rummage through and decide whether or not you are going to keep it or throw it. I inadvertently went through mine without even realising it over this past week and threw the whole damn thing away. As someone special in my life keeps saying "Happiness defines me". It was just that which encouraged me to get rid of the crap. His happiness.

There are a few times in your life, if you are even that lucky, that someone comes along and changes you, changes you for the better, not because he or she has pushed their agenda onto you, rather the essence of that person radiates in all its purest beauty, a force that just has no way but to penetrate the deepest layers of the things that are preventing you from finding, understanding and allowing that happiness to get inside of you. The fear that you once had of being hurt, becomes a distant and almost foreign memory, and finally, you find that happy special place that you have so been longing for.

For most of us, happiness is a choice, a choice that so many people seem to not know how to make, yet speak of their longing for it. Maybe we all need that special someone to waltz on into our lives, shake it up and force us to redefine who we really are. Maybe it has always been there, right in front of us, but our conditioning of what happiness means, an almost selfish ideal in many countries, forces us to abandon and not allow it into our lives. Not me.

Seven days have been and gone, with them a whirlwind of emotions, excitement, memories and love. Yes, love. I was not expecting it and when it arrived it smacked me so hard in the face that I didn't know what to do, so I cried and cried. Today, I had to depart from that love, something that again led me to tears, many tears in fact, but deep down inside of me something tells me that this time it is different. It's real. It's honest. It's easy. It's us.

 Its not the end, its actually the beginning. I realised that we have so much to do together, that our story has only just begun and no matter what, we just have to take one page at a time. Devour every delicious word on that page, take our time to revisit chapters we didn't understand and should the need arise, cross out what we thought we knew and re write what we want, after all, it is our story. So, I choose happiness, with you.