The mirror has two faces?

2am in New York and I'm still writing...

So here I am. It's nearly 2am on a Thursday morning in Manhattan and I am wide awake contemplating life and how I can solve all of its problems. Then I thought about conversations I have had of late, one in particular on what YOU see when you look into a mirror has really dumb founded me.

I'm a sucker for a beautiful smile and beautiful eyes, I mean who isn't? My heart melts when someones genuine and beautiful smile is given to me, it makes my heart stop and sends me to a place that I could only liken to what we call heaven. Given all this, it really knocked me for a six when someone special in my life told me that they didn't like what they saw when they looked in the mirror.

Sure, I don't like what I see, but I am tall, slightly overweight and kind of goofy. But this person, this person has a smile that could warm the coldest of hearts, eyes that just have that sparkle in them that makes you remember to live and a body that anyone would kill for. Yet, he told me he didn't like what he saw when he looked in the mirror. I don't get it? Does his mirror have two faces? If so, I want to see what he is seeing, surely it can't be what I see, right?

I mean I go out and get told things like "You are cute, but need to lose weight". Sigh. I actually asked one guy, "Do you a) think I am blind and b) that I don't have a mirror in my home?". No response. So when I see or hear amazingly beautiful people like this person (and many others) telling me that they don't like what they see, it really makes me question what have we done in society where so many of us seem to feel that we have fallen below par somewhere, and in some cases, everywhere. Do muscles equate to a fantastic personality? Does a D cup perfect and perky set of breasts equal a heart of gold and a Phd? Sure, there are people, there must be people with these attributes that society seems to hold so dear, that are truly amazing on every level, but what about those people that don't have those superficial qualities that are held with such great esteem? Are they any less of a contributor to our societies and god forbid, less attractive?

So I fell asleep contemplating all these things and then awoke to read the following from the very person I had been talking to about the above just a few hours beforehand. It goes something like this:

Good morning!
Look in the mirror now, what do you see reflected in it?
If it's disappointment, say: Holy shit, this can't be me!
If sorrow, say: son of a bitch Mirror, I do not accept this reflection!
If lack of motivation say: I can do, damn it!
Rebel, kick the bucket, but please change any reflection that is messing up your twinkle in your eye and only accept the view of a reflected image of self-love, you never stop saying: beautiful Mirror!

So there you have it. Maybe all it takes is a good rest, a chat with someone and maybe a new mirror. That, or you just woke up and realised that the reflection that is looking back at you is absolutely and utterly perfect in every single way, perceived and imaginary flaws and all.

Let's all try and work towards to the latter...

In Love & Lost.

I really wasn't expecting this, you know, the love thing. Well, not so soon after I had been dumped.

I had been in a relationship for nearly ten years, I mean who would think they would even want to look at another person let alone think about falling in love again. There I go again with that bloody word again, that word that everyone seems to get their knickers in a knot over, love. That's right, I said it. Love. Well I did and now I seem to be lost in the damn thing. I need to point out that I have NEVER been the "lovey dovey" type either. Really.

It all began via a picture. No really, it did. Mind you the picture was of a massive blister on my toe from a night out dancing, I think it was after new years eve. I'm not sure. Either way, the picture was NOT my best shot, kind of disgusting actually, but it attracted the attention of a lovely man. That's right, it all started over a blister on Instagram! How very modern romance of me.

The chats via the tiny box at the bottom of a picture quickly turned into chats via Face book and then into video chats. Before long, I found myself longing to get home from work and open my laptop to see if "he" was online. He always was. It was beautiful. As weird as that sounds, we always had something to chat over, pick a topic and we could discuss it. I would force myself to stay awake just so I could hear his voice. Then, I would do it all over again before work. Intense? Yeah, it was.

I found myself thinking about this man all day long. What was he doing now? Who was he hanging with? What is his country like? What is HE like? It never really entered my mind to jump on a plane and visit him. Well, it kind of did, but that would just be crazy, right?

I did it. Jumped on that plane.

I was so nervous as the plane touched down. So fucking nervous. But something inside me knew that this was the craziest and most ridiculous thing I had ever done, yet I never felt more right about what I was doing. Weird, huh?

A few weeks were spent laughing, eating, seeing, listening and walking all over one of the most beautiful cities I had ever been too. I had grown so fond of this man, so much so that I found myself falling madly in love. I guess I fell in love with him before I even got there, but being in front of his face most days for some three weeks, just confirmed what I had felt for some time now.

Before we knew it, the time had to come to part ways. I found myself crying beyond belief, my heart feeling like it had been ripped out of my chest and I am guessing that he was feeling the same way too. Now, having been back home for a few weeks, I find myself again longing for this man that I have grown so fond of.

I know that I am that guy that says "I love you" and "I miss you" and yes, it comes 100% from the deepest part of my heart. I know that some people find it hard to hear this based on their own personal experiences and ability to let someone "in". But you know what? As much as I try and change who I am, I can't and I don't want to. It is this very trait about myself, the fabric of who I am, that I see is lacking in so many people who walk this planet. I guess you do have to be mindful of what the other person is feeling and take that into account, but at the end of the day it comes down to a pretty simple thing, the fact that I LOVE YOU.

I promise I will not say it everyday, hell, I won't even say it every month, because yes you are right, you should be able to feel it. But when I do decide to say it again in the future, I hope that you receive it with an open heart. I never thought that I would find myself in this position again, but I have. One day I hope that I see your face again and you feel the same way as you did when I walked out of customs all those weeks ago.

I wake up everyday with the memory of the first thing you said to me when you saw me at the airport: "You are so fucking beautiful". No one has ever said this to me.

Thank you, you have changed my life for the better...