The goodbye.

Exit, this way --->

Urrrggghhh. I hate this feeling, you know the one, the unrelenting, imminent approach of what seemingly feels like it will never truly arrive, the "goodbye". Why can't we just be clear and concise, almost with a stiff upper lip if you like. "Thank you very much, I have had a wonderful time, but I really must go." It'd be so much easier and very polite. I know why. Because we are human and humans have those crazy little (and sometimes SUPER big) things called emotions. Cue Mariah and "Emotions."

The fact that I have been pacing my room, all 2 meters of it, for the better part of the day is not only annoying but a preventative from me doing pretty much anything (that, or I have found the pen ultimate excuse - you decide). Urrrrggghhh. Again. Sometimes I wonder if people really are cut out for the modern day relationship ideal that we all seem to crave and want to be apart of. Why? It seems to not only be a never ending slew of failures for me, but something that is starting to appear to be more elusive than, well, love.

I guess that age is a defining decision with relationships as you get older. Not the physical numbers themselves, but rather the experiences that those years have or haven't afforded you, something that is totally and utterly out of your control, it just is. But hey, that's cool too, we all have a path or paths to follow and each and every one's story is unique and brings us to the place(s) that we are meant to be at or in at exactly the right time, no matter that they be negative or positive experiences, the key word to remember here is "experience". It makes us wiser, emotionally richer, aware and hopefully more understanding couples with lots and lots of compassion. I said "hopefully".

The loss of someone that you love, whether it be physically from this world or just physically from your  day to day life, hurts, it hurts like a nail being rammed repeatedly into your heart. But we need to go through it. We need to feel that sense of loss and take time to reflect on what it is that was lost, a relationship, a friend, a lover, love. Next time it'll be better, it'll be different, I'll be different, that's what everyone says, me included. The fact is, we should have been different when it mattered, now it's too late.

How does that saying about hindsight go?

"Hindsight is gained through experience." Says it all really.

Mr.Clumsy.

I am not sure where the term jaded originated from, yet when it's used I know exactly what is meant by it. As a matter of fact, it was only just recently that I heard this term used when describing sentiments towards dating. The same sentiments that seem to be echoed by many after a disastrous break up, more often than not when one party has cheated and/or there is no turning back.

I don't understand the jaded concept, which given my own personal situation of late, seems to be almost, well, weird. I guess I am an optimist where matters of the heart are concerned, that, or I am just plain stupid. I think I will go with the first option. Having been out of the singles scene for nearly 10 years has left me with little sensibility where matters of the heart are concerned. To be honest, pretty much nil sensibility. Kind of embarrassing actually.

So what does one do when they like someone? I mean if you like someone, doesn't that mean that you want to get to know them, and if the answer is yes, then doesn't that usually involve some sort of communication? Evidently you need to go slow, real slow. Well, slow if you have just ended a relationship recently, or so I have heard. Makes sense, sort of.

So here I am, 5 weeks later after being dumped and I find myself in this predicament. I am a communicator yet seem to not be listening to what is given to me, it's that damn heart of mine overriding every reasonable bit of common sense I so pride myself on having. Sitting at the dinner table with a friend this evening, I find myself constantly looking at my phone to see whether my mundane text has been answered yet. Mundane because I am looking for any excuse to send a text. Things like "How was your day?" or "I am not really crazy", what the hell am I writing!!?? Then there is the constant apologies for sending the bloody texts that really don't make for good or interesting conversation with someone new. Well, not in my books anyway. What has come over me?! It's like a Strawberry Shortcake doll has possessed my body and all I can do is watch on in disbelief as I slowly scratch and sniff my dignity away.

After being laughed at by my friend tonight as I sat there constantly looking at my phone, wishing I could just erase every idiotic thought that I felt was so needed to be put into a text format, I realised that this stupidity is what also makes me human, real. Sure, it must be annoying to receive them, even though annoyance is what I never wanted, but words like truthful, clumsy, silly, heartfelt and honest spring to mind. Actually in reality it's just me, plain old Matthew.

Can I redeem myself from this disastrous start to a new friendship? I hope so, but only time will tell. One thing is for sure, there will be no more texting until I am given the green light. Come to think of it, I might just lay off the texting altogether for a while, I know my fingers will truly appreciate the break. As will someone else's eyes.

Let's see what happens...