The sadness in your smile.

There is a sadness in your eyes the belies that beautiful smile, a smile that could light a million candles in one swift swoop. Where does the sadness come from? You seem to love life, people clamour to be around you and laughter fills the air wherever your presence is shared, but that sadness glares at me when I look into your eyes.

If I told I love you would it make it better? Would the sadness disappear? I tell you everyday I love you though, I just don't get it. You are beautiful and unique, everyone tells you, I just wish you could see it. Feel it. Believe it. How did you get to this place of despair and loss? Something like this doesn't just "happen", it happens over many years and through many situations. Please talk to me, you'll feel better.

Take a walk, breathe in the fresh air and watch people as they go about their daily duties. It will take your mind off things, off of your sadness, off of you. What did you say? "Behind my smile is everything you'll never understand." Try me, I have lived too, I mean, I am looking right at you, I'm here, let me understand.

Fine. Don't answer me, don't take my advice or help, it's your life. Whatever. I keep trying to tell you that you are loved, that I love you, but you just don't hear it or maybe you refuse to hear it. Are you that damaged or are you just simply oblivious to what it is that you bring to this world, this sadness or whatever it is, is destroying all the goodness in your life. You have to stop this. Please stop this. Please. It is breaking my heart.

Reflections are the hardest thing to see sometimes.

Heart. Broken.

Only YOU can fix it.

I came across this little piece I wrote over a year ago after the breakdown of my relationship. I wanted to post it as an ode to how therapeutic writing can be and that like all things, time heals all wounds...

There really is nothing that one can say to you when someone tells you that they don’t love you anymore. Nothing.

You sit there shifting from tears and blubbering mess to questioning yourself with what “you” did wrong. All the while being told “it’s not you, it’s me”, by the person that you love. The very person that you have trusted with the most vulnerable of things, your heart. You tell those that you love and trust and they constantly remind you of a relationship they had that ended in a “similar” way, letting you know that “it does get better”. Meh. What gets better is what I would like to know? The hurt? The broken heart or the fact that your trust has been broken in the most awful of ways. I would like to know the answer. Please.

I guess that there is no answer. If there was, no one would be upset, deceitful, lie or ever hurt again. What a world that would be, honesty and love with no hurt. I wish I lived in that place right now. I have only experienced pain like this once before in my life and that was the morning I found my previous partner dead, hung over the toilet. I think in the last 24 hours I have cried so much that I have burst little blood vessels all around my eyes. Great, as if I am not already feeling über confident at the moment with everything else, I now look like I have contracted some jungle virus!

I feel sick, really sick. I have a headache and my eyes are stinging, the kind of stinging that you get from swimming in salt water without goggles. I know that the physical aspects will all subside in time, they always do. Humans are good like that. It’s the heart that is broken. The heart, the memories and the love that I don’t think I will ever be able to get over. I did it once, it took a while but I had no choice but to “get over it”, he died. This is a bit different. I am not loved “like that” anymore. I don’t have a choice this time.

My friends, what do I tell them? My family, his family, his friends, what the hell do I say? We all make mistakes, we all do things that we regret, or maybe we don’t regret. Who knows? I think it’s easier for the other person, they have already decided on what they will do, whether it is in their mind or by their actions, or in some cases, both. What the hell do I say?

I am lost, more lost than I have ever been in my life and scared, boy am I scared. I am trying to work out what is scaring me so much and I just can’t find the answer. Maybe I have been to dependant, I never used to be. Maybe it is the fear of being out there, alone, facing things without my best friend by my side, my best friend who has picked me up when I have fallen, picked me up so many times over the last nine and a half years that I just don’t know what I will do without him. Oh shit, here come those fucking tears again! Damn they sting. I know I don’t have a say in this, that is one of the hardest things for me, I just don’t have a say this time.

It’s good to write or talk things out, isn’t it? He is such a good person and I have been so lucky to have had him in my life. The luckiest person in this world actually. It’s kind of selfish of me to think that only I should experience this, maybe that old adage really is true:

If you love something, Set it free… If it comes back, it’s yours, If it doesn’t, it was never truly yours to begin with….