Mr.Clumsy.

I am not sure where the term jaded originated from, yet when it's used I know exactly what is meant by it. As a matter of fact, it was only just recently that I heard this term used when describing sentiments towards dating. The same sentiments that seem to be echoed by many after a disastrous break up, more often than not when one party has cheated and/or there is no turning back.

I don't understand the jaded concept, which given my own personal situation of late, seems to be almost, well, weird. I guess I am an optimist where matters of the heart are concerned, that, or I am just plain stupid. I think I will go with the first option. Having been out of the singles scene for nearly 10 years has left me with little sensibility where matters of the heart are concerned. To be honest, pretty much nil sensibility. Kind of embarrassing actually.

So what does one do when they like someone? I mean if you like someone, doesn't that mean that you want to get to know them, and if the answer is yes, then doesn't that usually involve some sort of communication? Evidently you need to go slow, real slow. Well, slow if you have just ended a relationship recently, or so I have heard. Makes sense, sort of.

So here I am, 5 weeks later after being dumped and I find myself in this predicament. I am a communicator yet seem to not be listening to what is given to me, it's that damn heart of mine overriding every reasonable bit of common sense I so pride myself on having. Sitting at the dinner table with a friend this evening, I find myself constantly looking at my phone to see whether my mundane text has been answered yet. Mundane because I am looking for any excuse to send a text. Things like "How was your day?" or "I am not really crazy", what the hell am I writing!!?? Then there is the constant apologies for sending the bloody texts that really don't make for good or interesting conversation with someone new. Well, not in my books anyway. What has come over me?! It's like a Strawberry Shortcake doll has possessed my body and all I can do is watch on in disbelief as I slowly scratch and sniff my dignity away.

After being laughed at by my friend tonight as I sat there constantly looking at my phone, wishing I could just erase every idiotic thought that I felt was so needed to be put into a text format, I realised that this stupidity is what also makes me human, real. Sure, it must be annoying to receive them, even though annoyance is what I never wanted, but words like truthful, clumsy, silly, heartfelt and honest spring to mind. Actually in reality it's just me, plain old Matthew.

Can I redeem myself from this disastrous start to a new friendship? I hope so, but only time will tell. One thing is for sure, there will be no more texting until I am given the green light. Come to think of it, I might just lay off the texting altogether for a while, I know my fingers will truly appreciate the break. As will someone else's eyes.

Let's see what happens...