Sometimes I sit outside staring at my Koi swimming in their pond and wonder how it must feel for them, swimming around all day long, usually in the same direction and not doing anything other than searching for food. Is it true that they have a 3 second memory, if so, why is that they seem to remember me every time my face leers over their home. Familiarity can be such a comforting feeling.
Life is funny like that, all of its complexities and unanswered questions, yet so beautiful on so many levels. It is those unanswered questions that also excite me, challenge me and of late, sometimes sadden me. I could never have imagined that my life would take so many turns this year, turns that have tested me in all my entirety. Health issues that although are not life threatening, have made me realise how important it is to take care of my “temple”, not just for the aesthetics (this used “model” has never had a healthy take on appearance) but for mental and physical clarity. And love, boy has love taken a turn in a new direction of late.
I am a lover, really, I am. I am not perfect in anyway what so ever, but I love with every vessel of my heart and to be told that you can not love anymore is well, for choice of a better phrase, heart breaking. Sure, I love my Family and friends, but it is the love of a partner that makes me wake up knowing how safe I feel to be in that persons presence, their arms and their heart. When it ends and not necessarily the way you wanted, it cuts. Deep. In some ways it feels like someone has ripped that organ out and is waving it just above your head, so close to your reach, yet so far and only time will slowly see it disappear into nothing more than a love lost. Lucky for us humans, this kind of broken heart does repair itself, in time, but the scar will always be there. Always.
Is it wrong to be passionate? I have always questioned this as so many people around me have criticised my passion, used it as a negative or portrayed it as one of my weaknesses. I know inside that it is my passion that will allow someone to come into my life again who wants it in all its complexity and it is this very passion that will see me succeed with my love of music, in all its varied formats. Why should anyone be limited to just one thing? Why can’t you try everything and do as much as humanly possible, especially if it makes you happy? I guess out of all the challenging moments, you realise who will be there and what you truly want out of life no matter how passionate you are.
Nearly four weeks ago I was scared, scared of where my life would take me and who would be there with me. Actually, do you want to know what scared me the most? Being alone when I was ill, who would care for me? Strange that out of everything, that is what scared me the most. Well, as mother nature would have it, she threw me a few extra curve balls and I get it now, all she was trying to say to me was “you can do it”.
I remember something that my Oma & Opa used to tell me as a child, “the day you stop learning is the day you stop living”. They passed away at 84 and 93 respectively and were still learning right up until the very end. Inspirational.
Life. I still have so much to learn.