Then, I saw you.

I saw you, ethereal and dressed in white,

Watching me as I rest, only just last night.

At first I was scared and thought it to be a dream,

You reassured me that everything was just as it may seem.

You took me to a place full of people crying and in sorrow,

When I asked what this meant, you told me I will understand all tomorrow.

As clear as you presented yourself to me,

The events that followed would be put down in history.

I spoke of what I saw and knew, something I shouldn't have done,

You warned me that people would laugh at me, thinking I was nothing more than dumb.

It was good to see you, to feel your hand on mine,

Something I had been longing for, something that always kept me in line.

I wish I could see you just one more time,

to tell you I love you and that I'm doing just fine.

Maybe I'll get one more chance just to say hi,

But for now my love, I must painfully say goodbye.

Death.

Death.

For some it is the end of one journey and the commencement of another.

A sigh of relief for some. No more pain, uncertainty or the need to fight.

Fear for many, something that is taught by the books from a young age.

Tears for those left behind. Memories of moments shared, laughter that made your belly hurt and the joy of love, friendship or just being in their presence.

Sadness, coupled with a smile, a shudder of disbelief and the reality of a new chapter that begins now.

The urgency to make every moment count, that as we take that last breath, it is those very memories that will carry us all through to wherever or whenever we may meet again.

For all, a reminder that we are all mortal. That every single second matters.

Death, a place to rest.

(My) Queen at 90: A post of appreciation.

For many people it is hard to understand how someone like me could respect and adore a person who was born into a life of luxury and privilege. Or maybe not. For the entirety of my life, 40 years to be precise, I have lived as a subject of Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II. I am also Australian, a country that requires a journey of some 24 hours or so by plane to a (United) Kingdom that is ruled by Her Majesty, The Queen. In fact, if truth be told, I have only stepped foot on the ground of her beloved (United) Kingdom, twice in my life. Yet Her Majesty has stepped foot on Australia's land a total of 16 times over her illustrious reign.

There hasn't been a time in my life when at some point or another The Queen has come up as a topic of conversation, been on the TV or a magazine cover, or simply been right in front of my eyes via a coin, stamp or even a picture on the wall looking down at me as I listened to my teacher attempt to teach his or her class. It seems like a lifetime ago that as a child, when the national anthem played we all had to stand up and face that very picture as we sang. For so many years, and before the age of communication, The Queen in that picture seemed like a fairytale, someone that was beyond this earth, whimsical even. She still is.

Today sees Her Majesty mark yet another milestone in a life that has seen it's fair share of the good and the bad, and everything else in between. Today she celebrates 90 years of age and also the fact that she is the oldest living Monarch in the world, something that many would associate with a sedentary lifestyle, the complete opposite where Her Majesty is concerned. It is this and many other traits that I truly admire about The Queen, she just never stops, never gives into a dramatic outburst and for as long as I can remember, has stayed completely focused on just what it is she believes she was meant to do: serve her people.

I know that for many, they will not understand how I could possibly respect a woman who is part of an age old institution that's based purely on birth right, something that in my opinion is not only exclusive to royalty in this day and age. I look at the strength and stability that she has brought to her family and many nations in their time of grief, misunderstanding and even political uprising. She never gives her political opinion and yet always ensures that her presence is felt. She is a constitutional monarch and not absolute, she pays taxes and and against her will, her life and all it's belongings are there for public consumption, criticism and more often than not, scrutiny. Through all this, never once has she ever publicly complained, instead, she has gotten on with "the job at hand", being The Queen.

Today is a day that Her Majesty, The Queen should revel in, a day well earned, well lived and well deserved. Happy, happy Birthday and may there be many more.

Long live The Queen!


For more information on Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II:

https://www.royal.uk/search/her-majesty-the-queen

The History Of Tomorrow.

I remember as a child listening to my Mum scold me for procrastinating, something I truly believed I never did. Hindsight, along with a clear memory has allowed me to see that my Mum was entirely correct with her scoldings, scoldings of this type that were always accompanied with the line: “Tomorrow never comes”. German pragmatism at its finest.

As life would have it, procrastinating would not only become something I detested in others, but it would also be sent to try me via various work colleagues and every now and again, someone that I was dating. I too found myself echoing that very line that used to see me rolling my eyes in contempt at my Mother, the very person who in her own unique way, seemed to live for the hope that tomorrow may bring.

Tomorrow, like many other people and situations in my life, never came. My history was what I was creating today and was heavily influenced by my past and those that had trodden its well worn path, but what of the history of tomorrow? Surely my dreams lie there too, they must go there sometimes, right? Tomorrow became not only that forbidden place my Mum spoke about as a child, a place that only lazy or deluded people seemed to go to, but now it had become my sanctuary of sorts. A place where I could safely park my dreams for a while.

Things became clearer to me as the years passed, faces easier to read and words easier to decipher from fact or fiction. My histories started to become examples for those with lesser years than I, and conversations were not so much about the dreams I was hoping to see come to fruition, but rather those that had. Yesterday left me evaluating, today has me planning, but the history of tomorrow had become the place that those now sacred and far fewer dreams sought for comfort and nurture.

The history of tomorrow, a place that might just be.

Sozinho.

There is a massive difference between being alone and feeling lonely. Sure, they conjure up images of the same sort of thing, but sitting here at my desk in one of the largest cities in the world, surrounded by people, voices, music and sirens, I can't help but feel lonely.

During a recent conversation the other day, I realised that I have always felt lonely, maybe even alone, for the greater part of my life. I guess this could easily be one of those moments of self pity for the "poor little gay boy". It's not. Reality is though, unlike religion, race, culture or even national identity, being gay is something that you need to hide until you gain the courage to "come out" to everyone, and then the guilt sets in. Not about you, but about all those you have somehow "hurt" with this revelation. And so that lonely journey continues in the hope to find your "people", your place of acceptance. If only it were that easy, if only.

My loneliness seemed to become more heightened when I so called, "discovered" my people. I found myself in the middle of drugs, partying, sex and a need to supposedly show the world who I REALLY am. I didn't like it at all. There were the labels, labels for clothes that needed to be worn, labels for certain friends and of course the label for YOU. Think, Bear, Active, Passive, Muscle, Twink, it seemed to never end and to say I was confused, well, if I thought my sexuality had confused me, this was like being thrown into the spinning cycle of all confusion. How did a good (and somewhat religious) boy from a small Australian city with strong morals, overcome this life of debauchery? I did. We all did.

But the loneliness remained.

Many years later and on another continent, I came to learn of a word in Portuguese that means both alone and lonely, Sozinho. This word seems to roll so effortlessly off my lips and for some reason makes me think of taking nap, a Sozinho if you like. It is also a word that I learnt early on in my time in Brazil, a word that would come to embody exactly how I was and am feeling on more than the odd occasion. A word that sadly, seems to be all to common these days in the age of communication and all things social media. A word that is all to often glossed over by fake smiles, poses and über important status updates reminding the world on how "truly" happy, blessed and grateful you are. Connected, and yet disconnected beyond belief.

Like all things in life, we learn to adjust and adapt to situations, people and relationships. I guess that loneliness can also be one of these things that needs adaption, maybe it's just a state of mind. Maybe there is so much emphasis placed on finding "the one", or being apart of a group that in reality, a bit of alone time is just what everyone needs? Either way, as time goes on and I learn, I am slowly starting to see that my "loneliness" may in fact be my destiny and that turning it into being alone and content with myself, could possibly be the greatest lesson I have learnt. In fact I know it is.

Sozinho, não solitário.

It's been a while.

"It's been a while", a phrase that has kept on popping up over the last few weeks. A phrase that I guess can go either way, positive or negative. I have felt both of late.

Yesterday marked what would have been my first partner's 49th birthday, something that he sadly was not afforded due to Cancer and a life taken way to soon, a story shared by many around the world. Lying on my bed, severely hungover from the night before antics, I found myself looking up above at the stark white ceiling of my room and uttering the words "It's been a while", ten years this August in fact. It was this remembrance of what seems like another life time now, that got me thinking just how many times I have used this phrase of late.

A message from an old lover who disappeared out of my life and was never to be seen or heard from for a year, decided to respond to one of my many messages I had sent him. A response that was honest, over due and finally in front of my eyes to read. It brought a smile to my face, a tear or two to my eyes and gave me some sort of peace in my heart. But all the time I was reading it and to be honest, for some weeks now after receiving it, I have found myself again uttering those very words: "It's been a while".

Then there's family, the core of my very existence and the people that have shaped me, supported me, loved me and always keep it real with me. My mother, whom I adore in every sense of the word, went in for a rather simple operation a couple of weeks ago and ended up nearly losing her life. No matter the age or health of someone, the possibility and actuality that death was near or has finally arrived, will never ever be a fact that can be dealt with in a rational manner. "It's been a while", in fact far too long pounded my head for well over a week after this incident.

New people coming in and out of my life are a common occurrence in a grand metropolis like São Paulo, Brazilians from other states and people from around the world all leave their mark on you and your experiences on the daily. Many a conversation is had and time and time again I keep hearing in various forms and languages, "do things for yourself and not others. Love yourself first." Words that I am so happy to share with others and yet strangely don't really listen to or even adhere to when I am the one in need of them. Maybe it's time I started listening to these words more, I can definitely say "It's been a while."

You.

You held me,

You kissed me,

You fucked me,

You loved me.

You tore me,

You scared me,

You lied to me,

You hurt me.

You left me,

You barred me,

You forgot me,

I still loved you.

Nothing.

One year passed,

You said sorry,

I have peace now,

Thank YOU.