The mirror has two faces?

2am in New York and I'm still writing...

So here I am. It's nearly 2am on a Thursday morning in Manhattan and I am wide awake contemplating life and how I can solve all of its problems. Then I thought about conversations I have had of late, one in particular on what YOU see when you look into a mirror has really dumb founded me.

I'm a sucker for a beautiful smile and beautiful eyes, I mean who isn't? My heart melts when someones genuine and beautiful smile is given to me, it makes my heart stop and sends me to a place that I could only liken to what we call heaven. Given all this, it really knocked me for a six when someone special in my life told me that they didn't like what they saw when they looked in the mirror.

Sure, I don't like what I see, but I am tall, slightly overweight and kind of goofy. But this person, this person has a smile that could warm the coldest of hearts, eyes that just have that sparkle in them that makes you remember to live and a body that anyone would kill for. Yet, he told me he didn't like what he saw when he looked in the mirror. I don't get it? Does his mirror have two faces? If so, I want to see what he is seeing, surely it can't be what I see, right?

I mean I go out and get told things like "You are cute, but need to lose weight". Sigh. I actually asked one guy, "Do you a) think I am blind and b) that I don't have a mirror in my home?". No response. So when I see or hear amazingly beautiful people like this person (and many others) telling me that they don't like what they see, it really makes me question what have we done in society where so many of us seem to feel that we have fallen below par somewhere, and in some cases, everywhere. Do muscles equate to a fantastic personality? Does a D cup perfect and perky set of breasts equal a heart of gold and a Phd? Sure, there are people, there must be people with these attributes that society seems to hold so dear, that are truly amazing on every level, but what about those people that don't have those superficial qualities that are held with such great esteem? Are they any less of a contributor to our societies and god forbid, less attractive?

So I fell asleep contemplating all these things and then awoke to read the following from the very person I had been talking to about the above just a few hours beforehand. It goes something like this:

Good morning!
Look in the mirror now, what do you see reflected in it?
If it's disappointment, say: Holy shit, this can't be me!
If sorrow, say: son of a bitch Mirror, I do not accept this reflection!
If lack of motivation say: I can do, damn it!
Rebel, kick the bucket, but please change any reflection that is messing up your twinkle in your eye and only accept the view of a reflected image of self-love, you never stop saying: beautiful Mirror!

So there you have it. Maybe all it takes is a good rest, a chat with someone and maybe a new mirror. That, or you just woke up and realised that the reflection that is looking back at you is absolutely and utterly perfect in every single way, perceived and imaginary flaws and all.

Let's all try and work towards to the latter...

If I could have anything...

The looks will mature over time, that's cool, you just have to be the best version of yourself at this very point in time. Nothing wrong with wanting to look good, to love what YOU see in the mirror.

What I want in my life in the future is someone that loves the look of me that he sees NOW, and then learns to love the look that he sees as the seasons change and so do we. To always remember that the real attraction comes from deep within, the ability to make each other smile, laugh, trust and love, love each other until the ends of the earth and back. To celebrate each others imperfections, what ever they may be and maybe, just maybe, turn those imperfections into the very things that set us apart from others.

To hold each others hands as we make the biggest steps in life and to also hold them when we are struggling to keep that very grip. To wake up in the morning and roll over and see someone that makes your heart stop, just for that split second. Reminding you on how truly beautiful life is, being loved, smelling the skin of someone that  only has that familiar smell unique to him, the one you have grown to love and yearn for when you are apart. But most importably, to be able to say to that person, "You are my best friend, my partner, my love".

One day, one day....

Dreams. I really hope these ones DON'T come true...

I'm pretty sure Patti had this hair on before things started to get real.

Ok, so I had two really strange dreams last night, the first had me jumping out of my sleep and the second racing to the bathroom.

The first one involved me, Patti LaBelle and her recent move to Australia. She found me via my blog (as they do) and said she needed to be hooked up with a place to stay, a hair salon and some soulful people to hang with. Things were going great until we went out one night and when she requested that the DJ play "Lady Marmalade", well, lets just say she was shut down and told to find some singles club for that "old music". The next part of the dream was where I jumped out of my sleep, she got angry, real angry and took her wig off. That's when I woke up. I couldn't bare to see her in a hair net.

The second one was where I was at a function of some kind and some older Jewish dentist (yes, I go into great detail even in my dreams) loved my smile and wanted to give me a free check up. Conveniently, his practice was only a lift ride down and he felt the party was boring, so what better thing to do to try and break things up? Give some random an oral once over.

After my visit to the Jewish dentist (not sure why he was Jewish to be honest, maybe I have the guilt's for not doing anything for Chanukah this year and it ended on my Oma's birthday. Coincidence much?) We headed back to the party, where as per usual I was drinking and dancing up a storm. Half way through a very detailed dip in "Proud Mary" a tooth came flying out. I found it and put it in my pocket and resumed with the routine. Always the consummate professional here, especially where Tina Turner is concerned. Before the night was out, I had lost three more with the final one being a moler with a mini x-ray inside it. The Dentist told me that I had some weird "tooth falling out disease", yes that was the term he used. Needless to say, I jumped out of my sleep to check my teeth. All good.

Even when I am sleeping I am over thinking... Weird, weird man I am.

Love.

"Love is not perfect, but it can be the most beautiful thing if both people are completely equal and honest with each other."

Time.

The time is flying. Literally.

It feels just like yesterday that I was sitting at home creating a video in celebration of my impending ten year anniversary. That was over a year ago now. I looked at that video the other day, the feelings are different now, not in a bad way, just different. That's time for you I guess.

Now, I find myself hurriedly packing my life away into lifeless boxes, trying to work out what clothes to bring with me, do I go for the larger or smaller sizes? I am trying so hard to conquer these demons that seem to manifest themselves via food. So hard. What do I bring with me? I mean I am coming back, right? I guess again, only time will be able to tell me that and right now she is saying enjoy.

This path that we tread everyday, alone, together, indifferent to the one in front of you and always looking to see who is behind you, is exciting, scary and unknown. I often find myself watching people walking, running, intense, solemn, laughing, talking into their phones as they go about their day, all the while wondering if we share that path, at least for just a minute at some point in our lives. Sometimes, I even get up to walk a few steps behind them, to see if that exact path means anything to me. I guess my experiences will be just that, mine.

It takes strength and courage to get up and move, or so I've been told. I see it as a new chapter, a part of a book that has a loose draught, but I must create the final copy, sometimes re visiting certain pages to change the things I don't like, to correct the mistakes that I overlooked when I was tired or just simply couldn't be bothered. The pages keep turning, some days its a struggle to get through just one and others, well, the pages are filled with excitement, passion and juicy plots that before you know it, the chapter is complete and needs no absolutely no changes.

So if my life is a book, a metaphor for where I have been, what I am doing and where I am going, I am just going to take each page as it comes. To read each word with vigour, to devour the salacious plots that may happen, to cry when the sad parts arrive and to always allow myself to fall in love and be completely swept up in all my story has to offer. After all, that's all we really have, some fantastic stories to hopefully look back on, that only time will be able to tell us.

Change... for the better.

What is happening to me?

I have so many emotions running through my mind at the moment that I feel like I am drowning in them. I am nervous. I am excited. I am scared, yet I am feeling fearless, like I can conquer the world. I am lonely, yet I know that I am well loved by those that mean something to me. What the hell is going on?

This last year has been the hardest year for me in a very long time. I have faced fears that I never knew even existed, I have tried to retrieve my heart from the dumpster we call "love", not once, but twice, and I have to decided to leave everything that is familiar to me behind and try my hand at a new country, new language and potentially a new life. What a difference just one year can make, huh? Change.

The path of life has been a complex one for most people I think, but I also believe that we try to over complicate and over compensate when it really is not needed. Take for example right now, it's 1am in Sydney and here I am, over complicating something that should be just so easy. After all, I have made the decisions to do these things, so why I am fearful of the changes I have sought out? Is a certain amount of fear healthy? If I wasn't fearful, I guess that would make me arrogant, and some may even say entitled. I am neither of those things.

Conversations that I have had with family, friends and within my own mind, have been many of late, mainly to do with the changes that seem to be surrounding everyone and everything at the moment, a word that so often scares people senseless, change. I have seen the strongest people I know cry for fear of letting someone they love, know just that, that they love them and I have listened to the heartbreak of a friend as she confided in the silent loss of her unborn child. I have watched my own Mother cry for a brother that wants to nothing to do with her or her family, instead wants to be left alone to die in his own unspoken pain. But it was just today that I heard of someone I have grown so fond of over the last few months, tell me that one of his friends was killed in the line of fire, a job that he too shares. I didn't know what to say, my heart ached for him and for this young man's family and friends. I can't begin to even imagine what this change has brought about.

Change is fast, it is real and can happen right before our very eyes with no way of really stopping it. Embracing it is the only thing we can really do, the good and bad, we owe it to ourselves after all. I recently said "without all the pain in life, the changes, the ups and downs, I would never know what real love feels like if I had not gone through this. Almost as if it is a test of strength, a test to see and understand what it all really means." Change is good and welcomed by me with open arms. If I didn't welcome it after all, I would have no way of knowing what lies ahead of me.

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.” 
― Paulo Coelho, The Devil and Miss Prym

Blessed.

It’s funny, you know. The fact that I get so worried when I don’t hear from you for a day, when in reality it was only a few months ago that I never heard from you at all, for no other reason than the reality that our paths hadn't crossed yet. How quickly things change, in particular the passages of meeting for the first time, to a new and uncertain friendship, and now a longing to be in the presence of you for as much time as I can or as long as I am allowed. The desire to just “know you” gets stronger and stronger with every sunset I witness as yet another day draws to a close, and then a mere few hours later I'm one step closer with every new sunrise that sees my eyes open with joy and gratitude for the day that lies ahead of me, knowing that on the other side of the world you have me in your thoughts.

I hear friends and people in movies saying “you have changed me for the better”, a statement that I have never truly understood or really felt the need to tell someone. Sure, I have learnt many lessons from family, friends and lovers over the years, but could I say they have changed me? I guess through them I have learnt things that have challenged my thoughts and even allowed me to do things better, but I am not entirely sure I have been “changed”. You on the other hand, you have opened my eyes to something, something bigger than I could have ever imagined. You are a person with no masks, no agendas and a heart that appears to be as pure as the driven snow that sits atop the highest mountain.

Blessed is something I hear you say so often, that and your connection with your spirituality, your respect to God and your family, all these things remind me that we are a part of a much bigger picture, a picture that recognizes not only you and I, but billions of people around the world. The only other person that I know of who would refer to blessings, was my Grandfather, a man who, like you, had a great love and connection with God, his family, friends and the wider community. His kindness and love were unparalleled to anyone I had ever met, that was until you appeared in my life.

If I was to be asked what I wished for the most in the future, I would answer that I wish everyone in the world was able to share this feeling that has been placed in my heart, a feeling that only you were able to do, the feeling of serenity and happiness, security and peace. Whether it be subconsciously or consciously, you have made me smile from the very depths of my heart all the way to the broad smile that adorns my face every day.

“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.”
― Robert A. Heinlein