Monday, July 11, 2011

Dear Oma...

December 3rd 2007, Sydney.
Dear Oma,

It has been two years now since you passed and not a day goes by that I don't think of you or wonder where you are. You always told me that if I was ever having trouble trying to articulate how I feel, that I should put it down on paper or in a letter. So, that is what I am doing.

It feels just like yesterday that I was walking with you throughout Europe, laughing with you at the funny people and sights that we saw. Or the time that I spent with you and Mum on Mother's Day at Brighton beach in Adelaide. But it's not, it's two years and much more that I did those things with you and not a single day passes that I don't miss you or even worse, that I find myself crying at the loss of you.

The Tiergarten, Berlin in the early 1940's.

You always told me "that crying in public does no one any good, and it only shows others your weaknesses", I have been good with controlling that, but there are times that I know you can see me crying over you, I hope that you understand why. Sometimes I feel so lost that I scramble to the phone to dial your number, only to realise that it does not exist anymore and in a way, nor do you. Sure, your memories are in my head and my heart, your pictures and videos are all around me, but you, the physical you, is no longer here for me to speak to hold onto or get a hug from when I really need it. That hug is something I am truly needing right about now.

I know that you are happy now, happy to be with Opa and reunited with all those that have passed, but I can not imagine that for the rest of my life I will not see you again, I just can't. I wonder what it was like when you saw your beloved Oma again for the first time. Or if you even did see her again, who knows? You have left a legacy of amazing accomplishments in your wake and I only hope that I will achieve as much as you did in your long and fulfilling lifetime. Somehow I doubt this, but I will do my best to make you proud.

Dresden, May 1939.

You have provided me with all the tools that I need in this life, honesty, integrity, responsibility and an undying commitment to those that we love and have loved. Every time that I am feeling sorry for myself I think of you and what you went through, especially with the bombing of your beautiful city, Dresden and the horrific happenings of the Holocaust, for which you lost many friends and family members. These things whilst extreme, always bring me back to reality and put my own "little" troubles into perspective. You also told me that "one should always put effort into their appearance as people will respond to you better and listen to you more, no matter how ridiculous this statement is, you will understand as you get older". My vanity is only rivalled by you Oma, and yes, we can both have a chuckle over this one.

For every moment that I spent with you when you were with me on earth, I am grateful x's eternity. Do I miss you more than I could ever describe or convey? There just is no word, words or feelings that I could use to let you know how much I miss you. Where ever you are and whom ever you are with, I hope that you are smiling and remembering all the good times we shared in the 33 years we had together, cause I sure am. There was no greater gift than the one you allowed me to share with you as I held you in my arms, stroking your head as you took your final breaths and made your way out of this realm and onto somewhere else. It was one of the saddest days of my life, but strangely also one of my proudest, I just wanted to protect you and love you until the very end.

 I miss you everyday.

Mother's Day, 10th May 2009.