Oh No. Not you again!

Fuck. Again!?

Just when you think you have nothing left to give, that everything you had emotionally was used up on previous loves, someone comes along to challenge everything you ever knew. Someone who doesn't fit the bill of anything you have ever known or imagined you would be with.

Yet through all the uncertainty and societal do's and don'ts where matters of the heart are concerned, you just know that this one, this person, will be in your life no matter what the future holds. That this person shares the same values as you, honesty, loyalty, integrity and truly gets what the words friendship and love really mean.

That everything you thought you knew, was wrong and you need to readjust your thoughts and processes on life, love and relationships. There are no excuses with this person, no reasons to not be open, no lies, no bullshit stories and an openness that is well beyond his years. This persons words have value, meaning and absolutely no hidden agenda.

I'm more scarred from the last few loves than I care to admit and in particular the last two long term ones. There were so many lies and injustices that I am scared to give my most fragile of gifts, my heart, to anyone again. But this always happens right? You think you have it ALL worked out, that you have found the love of your life and for some reason or reasons it ends, sometimes ok and sometimes bad, very bad. You swear you will NEVER EVER open your heart to anyone again, and there in the distance comes some little angry, but ever so kind, human being, marching to the beat of their own drum, born with many lifetimes behind them and a certainty of what it is they want. A soul well beyond his or her years. Where the hell did you come from and why did you choose me?

FUCK.

Love. Just go with it.

Marriage Equality. Why is yours better than mine?

As if this wasn't/isn't reason enough!

I wrote this piece two and a half years ago. I remember friends telling me at the time "Don't worry, this is all going to change within the next year. Yep, give it a year Matt and this will all be apart of history."

Nothing has changed and its now two and a half years...


I have never been one to sit on the fence, don’t ask me why this is, I have just always had an opinion. This is not to say that my opinion is always right, I mean after all, an opinion is just that.

It was my Oma who always told me to “never sit on the fence. No good has ever come from someone sitting on the fence, because at some point the fence will crumble." It was words like this that gave me a strong sense of ones opinion(s) and their importance in life. Very wise and very true words that I carry with me today.

In recent times many “traditional” opinions have been challenged and subsequently changed, whether by law, religiously, ways of thinking or plainly in peoples hearts. Think of the women’s suffrage movement, the civil rights movement and even the way people treat their beloved pets. All things that have gone through drastic change and more importantly, education and a mind set over haul. It brings me to a massive issue that is sweeping the world at the moment, marriage equality.

Now I am not going to harp on about the inequalities that these archaic and unfounded laws pose for gay people and their right to live their life the way they see fit, but I will say that I am hugely disappointed at groups like the Christian lobby and their unrelenting smear campaign against the gay community. I mean what ever happened to “Love thy neighbor” ? I thought that a truly religious person is not meant to judge? Maybe I am wrong. Then again, who am I to judge?

You see, gay people pose NO threat to society in any way what so ever. We (yes, I am one of those very people) do not start wars, we do not form gangs and terrorise people, and I am sure the crime rate amongst gay people would not be surprisingly low. What we do is, pay our taxes (like you and the rest of the country), we love like you do, we hurt like you do, we love our country like you do, we love our friends and family like you do and yes, some of us even have faith like you do. It is time that people stopped fearing us and treated us with the same rights that the rest of the country has, the same rights that we go to vote at the polls with like you and the same rights that protect the country we live in, just like you. I guess you could say, we really are just like YOU.

Please look past the rubbish that is being thrown around at the moment and find it in your heart to see that we too, have a right to love the one we love and should we so desire, marry that special person. I truly believe that my beautiful country, the country that has welcomed people from ALL over the world, will recognise Marriage Equality. Isn’t that what Australia is all about, equality for ALL of its citizens?

#Marriageequality for all!

Scar(s).

A scar. What is a scar? From a wound in fighting, an operation or a broken heart.

Everyone speaks of the healing process and that like all things, the wound will eventually heal and you will be left this so called "scar". A marking of something that once was, whether it be good or bad. A badge of honour for some.

As with any healing process, you need to know how to care for this wound, to converse about the best possible way for it to heal. A doctor explains this in great detail with a physical wound, but with matters of the heart, well, you either get it or you don't. More often than not, you don't.

I have loved but a few in my life, true loves that is. I have been burnt by love too. Strangely, my heart is still warm and open to the idea that one day I will be truly loved. A friend questioned me on this other day and I responded with "I have loved with all my heart and many times, I have had that very heart ripped from my chest. But if I had not had these experiences, how will I be able to decipher the good from the bad?"

In order to understand what true and honest love is, we unfortunately need to experience this pain of love lost, a heart broken or someone just walking out of your life with no explanation. A scar will eventually form and from time to time you will look back and remember just what it is that "true love" means to you, and appreciate it when it (true love) eventually presents itself to you.

Don't stop loving and find forgiveness in your heart, not everyone is perfect, but everyone does deserve forgiveness and sometimes its this forgiveness that will also assist them in their healing process too. We all have wounds.

Love, four simple letters that can make or break a heart.

Lie(s).

1. "A lie is an intentionally false statement to a person or group made by another person or group who knows it is not the whole truth. Lies can be told for various reasons and with various amounts of success."

   
   

   What an interesting way to describe something that we all have done at least once in our lives, and depending on how good we are at it, with varying degrees of success. Or as Wikipedia so interestingly describes it above "with various amounts of success".

   
   

   I myself detest lying and see little to no use for it at all. That, and the fact that I am as transparent as a piece of cellophane when it comes to spewing out anything other than the truth, no matter what the situation and/or how painful it may be to hear and receive. I guess I got that from my Oma, her truths knew NO boundaries and when I say NO boundaries, I mean she was limitless when it came to being "honest". 

   
   

   Luckily for me, I have been able to (or so I think) fine tune my ability to tell the truth into a way that gets the point across with out being rude, aggressive or offensive. But this piece is about lies and those who tell them, where the line is drawn for what is an "acceptable lie", and if in fact there is such a thing as an "acceptable lie". I mean we have all told that little white lie to a friend when they have asked us for our honest opinion on things like clothing choices, makeup and god forbid, weight. "You look amazing, I swear you have lost weight". Don't lie, you know you have said that on more than one occasion when it wasn't the truth.

   
   

   What about when lies start going into deep and murky emotional waters. Lying about being out with people when you were some else completely different, or how much you have spent on the credit card this month (bit pointless given that that there is thing called a statement, yet we still stupidly do it.) or the King of them all, that lie about fidelity and what constitutes infidelity. Uh-huh, a deafening silence in the room has arrived.

   
   

   I am pretty sure that at some point in this life we are all going to be on the receiving end of lies about love, fidelity and general relationship foes, but there will also be some of you that will be the perpetrators of these lies. The ones that cause pain, heartache, anguish, despair and in some horrific cases, death. As dramatic as it may seem, I read an article the other day of a woman who had her heart broken by a love of twenty years and willed herself into dying, she just gave up. Sad, but true.

   
   

   The amount of times I have been on the receiving end of these types of lies is limitless and has spanned my entire dating life. Hell, it probably began as a child with certain family members, I guess those lies caused all of the above too. Yes, they did. Yet, it is the lies I have been fed as an adult that has hurt me the most. As a child you are innocent, naive and prone to accepting and believing everything, it's understandable that lies are easily fed to children. But as an adult, you are generally sceptical, guarded and unsure of what the truth is, proof is needed and when your guard is finally down, that's when the liar resumes his or her prime position for attack, and in most cases, it is your heart that is the target.

   
   

   
   

   I wish I could say that it gets easier and make some PSA about lies, but it doesn't get easier. Each time it hurts as if it was the first time that someone broke your trust. Each time you question yourself on what you could have done better, how you could make yourself better, and each time you will find yourself at some point just breaking down and crying and asking yourself where, why and how it all went wrong. If you weren't the one telling the lies then its simple, it's not you in any capacity that created this. I have come to realise that it is the other person or persons complete and utter insecurity with themselves that creates this manifestation from fear that we know as lies. The truth.

   
   

   So, to come back to what is an "acceptable lie", I guess that is a question that only you will be able to answer. If you have been on the receiving end of serious lies, then I am guessing nothing is acceptable. If the truth is something you read about on a Facebook post or see in an Instagram picture, then I am guessing you are pretty much the subject of this entire feed.

   
   

   "The truth may hurt for a little while, but a lie hurts forever."

   
   

   
   

   
   

Trust.

I am so confused at this moment in time. I don't get this place a lot of the times, a lot of people here seem to want to create drama out of nothing and for what reason I really don't know. Maybe boredom? Maybe its cultural, I don't know. Maybe it's just good old fashioned insecurity.

At the best of times, no matter the language, difference in culture or people, it can be hard to make friends, this is a given in 2014. So when two friends messaged me today to say they have deleted me because their partners were jealous of our friendship(s), I was shocked. Actually I am kind of saddened by this. I have not done anything to warrant their insecurities, yet am being punished by the loss of friendship.

I find it strange that many have told me I am "insecure" or that "I need to love myself more" amongst other things, yet for me, allowing a partner to do his or her own thing, to have their own friends, is not something that should warrant distrust, insecurity or even anger. We are not their parents after all, we are their partners, we are supposed to stand by their side, encourage them to flourish and grow, and yes, trust them wholeheartedly. And this is coming from someone that has been cheated on more times than I really care to remember or acknowledge.

I refuse to bow down to this kind of behaviour as it does not make for a healthy relationship in any context and I have come to realise that it is not I that is any more insecure than the next person, but in fact I am much more secure in myself when it comes to relationships, love and life than most. Trust and love are the two greatest gifts I can give anyone of you whom I love, and I do this with open arms and a honest heart.

"To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved."

A(lone)ly.

I never thought I would feel this way. Alone. No, lonely. Contrary to what people may think of me, I actually really do enjoy my own company, just not all the time. Friends to hang with and talk is something that I think I really took for granted back home, especially as I am so far from those who know and love me the most.

This country is an amazing place, really amazing. I'm in Brazil after all, and I don't take that for granted ever. But, yes there is a but, it is also a very difficult place to live. The language, culture(s), day to day living and ability to make new friends. Don't get me wrong, I haven't entirely lost my ability to make friends, but this language thing is really proving to be a major blockade for me. Again, the simplicity of being able to express myself or articulate almost anything is something that I have really taken for granted.

I look Brazilian. I get told this everyday and whilst it is probably the most flattering thing I have ever been told in my whole life, it can also pose some problems when you can't speak the language. I use my usual phrase of "Sorry, I only speak a little Portuguese", which is more often than not met with quizzical expressions and sometimes a blatant "huff". I get nervous and fumble my words. I must end up coming across rude as I hate to not be able to communicate, let alone looking like a fool, but this language, Portuguese, can be ever so hard to learn.

I miss catching the train and bus, really I do. My fears have crossed over into public transportation and it is not only upsetting but also becoming exceptionally costly (think taxi's), especially when you do not have a job. Sigh. I wish it would all just click and I could breeze into a metro station and know and understand where it was I am going. But then that would defeat the purpose of this whole trip right? I came here to challenge myself, leave the past behind and create a new future. I guess I really wasn't expecting things to be so hard. Foolish maybe, unrealistic, a lot.

The inability to commit to a time or prearranged date is also something I am not used to here. When say not used to, I mean Brazilians more often than not see no problem with not keeping to the original plan to meet, sometimes even cancelling on me when I was at the place waiting. This behaviour, although not meant with any ill intent, more so an overly relaxed approach to life, can sometimes lead to that feeling of being alone, unimportant even. People have their lives, loves and families which I totally understand, I guess that's just it, I don't have any of those here. They will come one day, hopefully.

It's Sunday afternoon and I think I will go for a walk. I love walking here, so many people, so much colour and vibrancy every where I turn. People laughing together, holding hands, eating, families discussing things, I guess in my own little way I can live through these people, observe them and be grateful that they have found happiness and love. I guess being alone is not such a bad thing after all. Actually I just realised something, I am not lonely, I am just alone, for the time being anyway.

There is a big difference.

Palavras.

As palavras são coisas incríveis . Um grupo de letras que quando falado, escrito ou assinado , pode ter significados tão poderosos , boas e más . Às vezes, eles são tão incríveis que não podemos abandoná-las , revisitando -os uma e outra vez à procura de maneiras novas e belas para amar todos e de cada um deles. Mas, infelizmente, o mesmo pode ser dito para o negativo. Eles podem cortar tão profunda que nós mais uma vez, manter revisitando -os uma e outra vez , agarrando-se às coisas que podem nunca ter sido destinado , interpretar as coisas à nossa maneira e até mesmo , às vezes, terminando com conseqüências fatais.

Ultimamente tem havido algumas pessoas que dizem que as minhas palavras são tingidas com tristeza ou desespero. Eu sou um escritor , eu acho que vem com o território, que coisa sobre sofrimento etc eu prefiro não usar a palavra "sofrer" como eu não sou uma vítima , e eu sou um cidadão do mundo que pode ver as coisas um pouco diferente para você, talvez com um toque mais sensibilidade para o que está acontecendo em volta de mim , você, nós, do mundo.

Hoje foi-me dito por um amigo que ela podia ver um menino em mim. Alguém com tanto amor , tanta compaixão pelos outros , mas alguém que precisava ser bem tratados. Hmmm . Bem tratados. A viagem que eu me coloco no recentemente mostrou-me de tantas maneiras que este tratamento deve começar comigo. Algo que eu posso dizer verdadeiramente começou. Finalmente . Ela também mencionou algo que eu achei fascinante, " Para fazer o seu início semente profunda para vir como você realmente é, não do jeito que o mundo fez" . Intense . Mais uma vez, as suas essas palavras , todos eles juntos formando uma frase poderosa que simplesmente não podem ser ignorados.

Talvez eu tenha estado a olhar para as coisas de uma forma dimensional um para a longa . Eu sempre me orgulhei de não ser assim, mas às vezes é preciso parar e perceber que nós realmente não tenho visto coisas do jeito que precisa ser visto, através de nossos olhos e não o resto dos mundos. Palavras como espírito livre , esclarecida e elevada são algo que nós associamos com uma conotação religiosa , mas na realidade, eles são todas as coisas que nós nos esforçamos para , precisa ou mesmo anseiam , não importa o que o nosso sistema (s) crença é.

Para alguns a viagem é curta, maneira de curta duração. Para outros, pode parecer um mar sem fim de emoções , luta e muitas vezes, dor no coração , juntamente com o mal-entendido as palavras que lhes são dadas . Hoje é um novo dia, um dia para ouvir ou olhar para aquelas palavras que são faladas , escritas ou assinadas e entender exatamente o que eles querem dizer ea intenção que se passa com eles. Para olhar através de seus olhos e não o que foi condicionado em sua cabeça, a ouvir com os ouvidos e não levar em conta os murmúrios suaves de outros ao seu redor , e se você tiver a capacidade , para tocar essas palavras com as mãos e senti-los em apenas uma maneira que você pode. Afinal , as palavras são apenas um grupo de letras agrupado para nos comunicar de alguma forma . O que fazemos com essas palavras é inteiramente até nós.