Judgement - it's not so black & white.

A lot of people ask me why I associate myself so much with black music, culture, and of course my "Queens", especially as the exterior I was given is so pale. A question that is sometimes hurled at me with disdain and an all to often questioned beyond belief.

It's a hard thing to articulate in just a few words, especially if you have never been the subject of people constantly trying to bring you down, separate you, hate you, in some cases eradicate you and all to often, dominate you. I am not saying that the race debate and the homosexuality debate go hand in hand 100%, but for me, there is some solidarity in the struggles we have faced and sadly, continue to face.

This was brought into question with me the other day when I spoke with a gay man here who was severely beaten in an all to often occurrence in Brazil, "Gay hate crimes". When he went to the police, he was laughed at and told "he was lucky to be alive" and "to get out of the station". On further investigation of the laws in Brazil, there appears to be NO law(s) that protect the rights of gay, lesbian and transgendered people here. The subject of gay hate crimes is not isolated and I am pretty sure most if not all gay people will have experienced this at some point in their lives, me included. I have been in many situations in "tolerant" São Paulo, where I have witnessed effeminate gay men being called names on trains, many times other passengers laughing along at the mockery of these people. Not one person in the myriad of incidences I have witnessed here has stood up to those people. Before you even think it, YES I DID. 

I am questioned as to why I look to role models like Oprah Winfrey, Maya Angelou, Nelson Mandela, Nina Simone etc. It's simple. These people lived with hate, A LOT of hate, suppression, violence, injustices and constant degradation of something they had no control over, the beautiful colours of their skins, their culture, and ultimately, themselves. Now, there will be some that are opposed to comparisons that I have dared to draw here, of course, they will be people that have never walked a day in my shoes, this I can guarantee. I am not saying and NEVER would say that I know what it is like to walk in the shoes of some of my role models I have mentioned above, even my friends that I so dearly cherish, because we all have a different journey. A journey that if you think about it, really does lead us to the same destination in the end, no matter what you do or don't believe in, who you love or even the colour of your skin.

Loving someone of the same gender is NOT a choice, you don't wake up one day and say "Hmmmm... Guys or girls today?" and anyone who thinks that really needs to try and live life as a gay person and get back to me. The sacrifices we face on the daily whether it be via acceptance from family, friends etc or even the danger that is all to apparent, is something I would not wish on my worst enemy. Don't even bring the cultural or religious argument into this either, the death penalty still exists for homosexuals in 10 countries and the "act" is illegal in a staggering 77 countries. I am not apart of a lifestyle choice, I am not doing this for attention, I am not perverted and I most certainly AM A CHILD OF GOD (Whatever or whomever he or she may be) and THIS UNIVERSE. 

My point is, at the end of the day we are all just the same, it's only our experiences that ultimately give us some difference and even those are what bring people together, and of course our own inabilities to view others as our equals. I see colour as just that, something beautiful and different, no matter whether it be white, brown, black, golden or red. The same goes for love. It's something we are all entitled to, right? Love? Isn't that what is preached to us via our religious mentors, our family life, the TVs and movies we watch, the music we listen too, don't we all just want to be loved?

I met some ladies the other night that truly inspired me to write this, to think deep about this subject and go beyond all the stereotypical associations I have become accustomed to, to get real with me and you know what I found? L.O.V.E. Yep, pure, plain and simple, love.

Be kind to each other friends, stand strong in what you believe in and always make your words and actions count. 

Always.

That word.

That word is so strong. It can be so hurtful and so,so comforting. It incites the strongest of fears in many and in times of frustration, doubt and need, it can be the strongest word we will ever use.

It is said in joy. It is said with disdain. But one thing is for sure, no matter how it is said you will never forget they way you felt and for this, it will always, always remain the same.

When describing those four letters and what it means to you, many speak with tones of high, many with echoes of sadness in their speech, and then there are those that have never known just exactly what this word truly means.

However it is said, those four letters will change your life whether you accept this or not, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worst. One thing is for sure though, without them the world would be a very different place, good, bad, indifferent or undecided, those letters shape us all.

Love.

Bruce Jenner - Made This Way.

Bruce & Diane.

Just watched the Bruce Jenner interview with Diane Sawyer, WOW.

The courage and strength that (s)he has had to find is beyond belief. It really does echo what I wrote a few days ago via this blog in regards to understanding the fabric of ones soul. The fact that (certain) people feel that it is their right to "out" and "vilify" him only exemplifies the society we live in, one where we think we are so accepting, but in reality we just want the prime seats for the "freak show".

I have witnessed violence and verbal slaying towards transgendered people here in Brazil, and of course towards myself and other gay and lesbian people more times than I can remember, "it comes with the territory" is what I had told myself for the majority of my life. Not any more. Why should people have to live with these heinous acts towards other human beings based on their gender or sexual identity ( I don't use preference as it's not a "preference" or "choice", its how I was made) we have laws now in most countries that protect the rights of women, race and even religious freedom, why not for everyone? Is it a crime to assume the correct gender? Is it a crime to love another consenting adult? No and No. So why then as a society do we spew so much vitriol towards certain members of our communities the world over and for no apparent reason?

Fear and ignorance. There will be a day that society's sometimes narrow mind starts to broaden even more, history has already shown us this broadening of acceptance with the changes in attitudes towards to race, religion and the rights of women, but we still have a long way to go. Next time you see a gay couple holding hands or a transgendered person, take time to remember that they are exactly like you, individuals living their life the only way they know how, as themselves.

For more information on Transgender issues:

http://www.transgendercare.com/guidance/index.htm

The fabric of my soul.

J

Fabrication meets Realisation.

The fabric of my soul is something that I never truly realised or understood until I was well into my 30's. I had heard about this concoction of so called "fabrics", things that made the very essence of who I am, but I guess like most people of my age, I had never really given much thought to what it is that made me, me. Until now.

From as far back as I can remember I had been told how to behave and what not to do. Very rarely was I allowed to just be me. I did many things back in the day that were not the "norm", things that many times made my Father cringe and truly wonder just what he had help create. I loved to sing and at any given chance I would beg and plead for my family to watch me climb on top of our multi coloured leather poof, hit the play button on the tape deck and sing at the top of my lungs to Dolly, Diana, La Belle and any other diva that I had been blessed with listening to from such a young age. Oh yeah, there were dance moves too, boy did I love to move, still do. You can imagine the disdain I was met with, especially from my Father, to be honest, it seemed much more like shame.

I don't blame anyone for how they reacted, after all we are somewhat the product of our upbringing and the society that surrounds us. Sadly though, that shame has stayed with me for the majority of my life, a shame that has clouded my direction and understanding of just who it is I am and what my purpose is. Don't get it twisted here though, I am not blaming my family for this, I am not even blaming society for this, I am purely writing out loud and trying to understand just why it is we allow these forms of shame, disdain and self loathing to affect us to the point that it destroys those very fabrics that are woven together to create something so unique. A question I am sure many the world over ask themselves, then shelf it because it can just be to damn painful to explore.

Exploration has been something that I have been forced into, whether I have wanted to or not. I guess it comes with the territory of being gay, your life is decided and ousted by others well before you even have a chance to address or understand it yourself. Fact. Given this, I guess that is why the statistics of suicide within the gay community are that much higher than others, we don't even get a chance to inspect the very things we are going through, instead our fabric is taken and put on show for all to see and ogle.

The experiences that we go through in life, the encounters we have, the friends we make and sadly lose, the love that comes to us, sends us into heaven and then comes plummeting back down to earth with an almighty thud, are the very things that help contribute to that fabric and ultimately, the bigger picture that we know as our life. We are challenged and relieved, loved and hurt, befriended and then unfriended, but through it all we are the sum of all of our experiences. There is not one day that passes that I am not grateful for all of these experiences and more, without them I would not now begin to understand just what it is that makes up the fabric of my soul.

"Embrace the glorious mess that you are" - Elizabeth Gilbert

The sadness in your smile.

There is a sadness in your eyes the belies that beautiful smile, a smile that could light a million candles in one swift swoop. Where does the sadness come from? You seem to love life, people clamour to be around you and laughter fills the air wherever your presence is shared, but that sadness glares at me when I look into your eyes.

If I told I love you would it make it better? Would the sadness disappear? I tell you everyday I love you though, I just don't get it. You are beautiful and unique, everyone tells you, I just wish you could see it. Feel it. Believe it. How did you get to this place of despair and loss? Something like this doesn't just "happen", it happens over many years and through many situations. Please talk to me, you'll feel better.

Take a walk, breathe in the fresh air and watch people as they go about their daily duties. It will take your mind off things, off of your sadness, off of you. What did you say? "Behind my smile is everything you'll never understand." Try me, I have lived too, I mean, I am looking right at you, I'm here, let me understand.

Fine. Don't answer me, don't take my advice or help, it's your life. Whatever. I keep trying to tell you that you are loved, that I love you, but you just don't hear it or maybe you refuse to hear it. Are you that damaged or are you just simply oblivious to what it is that you bring to this world, this sadness or whatever it is, is destroying all the goodness in your life. You have to stop this. Please stop this. Please. It is breaking my heart.

Reflections are the hardest thing to see sometimes.

The goodbye.

Exit, this way --->

Urrrggghhh. I hate this feeling, you know the one, the unrelenting, imminent approach of what seemingly feels like it will never truly arrive, the "goodbye". Why can't we just be clear and concise, almost with a stiff upper lip if you like. "Thank you very much, I have had a wonderful time, but I really must go." It'd be so much easier and very polite. I know why. Because we are human and humans have those crazy little (and sometimes SUPER big) things called emotions. Cue Mariah and "Emotions."

The fact that I have been pacing my room, all 2 meters of it, for the better part of the day is not only annoying but a preventative from me doing pretty much anything (that, or I have found the pen ultimate excuse - you decide). Urrrrggghhh. Again. Sometimes I wonder if people really are cut out for the modern day relationship ideal that we all seem to crave and want to be apart of. Why? It seems to not only be a never ending slew of failures for me, but something that is starting to appear to be more elusive than, well, love.

I guess that age is a defining decision with relationships as you get older. Not the physical numbers themselves, but rather the experiences that those years have or haven't afforded you, something that is totally and utterly out of your control, it just is. But hey, that's cool too, we all have a path or paths to follow and each and every one's story is unique and brings us to the place(s) that we are meant to be at or in at exactly the right time, no matter that they be negative or positive experiences, the key word to remember here is "experience". It makes us wiser, emotionally richer, aware and hopefully more understanding couples with lots and lots of compassion. I said "hopefully".

The loss of someone that you love, whether it be physically from this world or just physically from your  day to day life, hurts, it hurts like a nail being rammed repeatedly into your heart. But we need to go through it. We need to feel that sense of loss and take time to reflect on what it is that was lost, a relationship, a friend, a lover, love. Next time it'll be better, it'll be different, I'll be different, that's what everyone says, me included. The fact is, we should have been different when it mattered, now it's too late.

How does that saying about hindsight go?

"Hindsight is gained through experience." Says it all really.

Only Human.

I'm scared. I wish I wasn't, but I am.

I don't want to be hurt anymore, I don't want to feel that thing we call heartache, I don't want to be let down. I don't want right now. I want now, tomorrow and whatever future I have, we have. 

I need that. Companionship, trust and of course love. Why is it so hard? I can give it all I've got. Can you? I know I shouldn't ask, I'm a communicator, it's what I do. I'm honest.

I have been hurt so many times, we all have. I've had my trust, faith and hope broken more times than I ever thought possible. Why? Why tell someone you love them and then hurt them? Is it fear? Selfishness or just plain cold hearted? I guess we will never truly know.

Please don't hurt me. Don't hurt anyone for that matter, including yourself. 

After all, we are only human..